Gentlemen, if your girl has lost interest, cheated on you or checked out, you’re probably a pussy—time to Daddy-up!
Now that I have your attention, how would you like to know 9 secrets of how everything you thought you were supposed to do to win a woman over was, in fact, the fast-track to losing her? Not only losing her, but doing these things will reveal your lack of self-esteem and self-worth, lack of conviction, backbone and ultimate desperation—none of which are remotely attractive in the male species.
You seem to think that being ‘the nice guy,’ letting her make all the decisions, handing over your money, giving her everything she wants and putting her first, was going to earn you unlimited brownie points. You were wrong. You’ve been duped.
A few months ago, I wrote 10 Truth Bombs that were directed at women and the reason they keep creating men that betray them—the following Bombs of Truth will be directed at the men. Men, are you ready for some straight talk? Want to know the real reason good women lose interest and may cheat? It’s different than why you cheat. All of these truth bombs relate to what men do or don’t do that translates into a loss of respect and therefore a diminution of attraction that may eventually lead to looking elsewhere or not giving you the time of day in the first place.
The number one reason quality women cheat or simply lose interest is because they’ve lost respect for you in some or many ways. One of the biggest ways you men lose respect is by being too nice, by putting her needs above yours (at your own detriment and better judgment), and by being too loving and no longer objectifying her. Whaaaaa?!?!?!
You’ve got women all wrong. We really don’t want a man that will cater to our every whim. You may think she wants the bad boy, but that’s not entirely true either. Your first mistake is actually believing what your woman tells you she wants, and your second is trying to fulfill everything you think she said. This notion that the more you give into her, let her have her way, and do what she says, the more she is going to love you, is bullshit.
Here’s what the bad-boys got over you. A so-called bad boy is bad, and therefore attractive because he can’t be pushed around or easily swayed. A bad boy is selfish and has his own interests first and foremost. A bad boy is not going to stop what he’s doing because his girl wants him to hang her curtains or go rescue her fucking cat. He has a strong sense of self—even if he is a narcissist.
Dropping everything you’re doing to do what she asks is one of the worse things you can do, and the quickest way to lose her—that is, after she takes all your money, has you fix every broken thing in her house, yard and car, and has you set up her website. It may take a minute (or years) for her to kick you to the curb because you are soooo fucking useful. However, while you’re slaving for her, she’ll be off sexting some bad boy from the gym in no time.
Wait…am I saying that doing things for your woman is a bad idea? No. Not at all. Is your head spinning already? Am I just proving the point, that women don’t know what the fuck they want? Here’s the deal:
Truth Bomb Number 1: We want a man that is more dedicated to himSelf and his mission than he is to us. Putting us above everything else in your life makes you untrustworthy.
Yes, we absolutely love when you do helpful and sweet things for us. However, though we are not interested in being with a narcissist, whether all women know this or not, we really do want a man that is more dedicated to himSelf and his mission than he is to us. We really do not want a puppet that we can control like some of our mothers did our fathers. When you can control a man, he ain’t a man. The very nature of man is that he is powerful, strong, assertive, and knows who he is. Anything less, you lose us—or at least our respect. If you lose our respect, it is a downhill slope from there—one of which you may never recover. You need to wear the pants—or at least your own pants. There is nothing worse or unattractive to a woman than a weak-willed or wishy-washy man. Ewww.
So, to clarify, it’s not the asshole in the bad boy that women are drawn to, it’s that he is self-directed and will not succumb to our whining, pleading or bullshit. Yes, we want and need your assistance at times—we depend on you to show up for us in these ways. However, we really don’t want you to do it at your own expense. Your dedication to your own mission/business, children, and workouts are something we find highly attractive—sexy, in fact. Even if we complain about it. There is nothing hotter than a rock-solid man from the inside. Big difference from the bad boy who really doesn’t give a shit about her or anyone else but himself.
You taking care of you and the things that are important to you, makes you not wishy-washy. When you refuse to stay up late with us, stay home from the gym, or eat the unhealthy food we make you— you make your truth clear by your actions. You understand that when you take care of you, you are much more capable of caring for those in your orbit. We now know what is important to you, and we can’t help but respect it—whether we like it or not. Unlike the bad boy, we know that when we truly need you that you will show up for us, too. That’s hot.
If you are just dating, don’t do too much too soon! When you do, there’s an energy of you trying too hard to get us to like you. Get rid of all ‘in order to’ energy behind your doing. Don’t do anything for us ‘in order to’ make us like you more, ‘in order to’ get laid, ‘in order to’ get something in return, or ‘in order to’ show-off. Do it from the goodness of your heart because you are able to and because you want to with no ulterior motive—or don’t do it at all. Just don’t overdue too soon.
Truth Bomb Number Two: We don’t want a man that will turn all of his decision-making power over to us. Always have a voice and speak your truth.
Do not let us put pink pillows in our shared bedroom or allow us to decorate our home as if it’s inhabited by a Disney Princess unless you approve, or you truly don’t care. A man lives here, there should be some evidence of YOU—not just in your man-cave garage or one room that you squirreled away for yourself. Have an opinion—make your home look like it’s yours, too! Do not give all decision-making power to your woman.
If you truly don’t like something, say so! Otherwise, every time you look at those fucking pillows, they will bug you and you may feel emasculated. Not because the pillows are pink, but because you no longer have a voice. Always have a voice. Speak your truth even if you feel you may risk losing her. Women respect men with opinions, whether we agree with you or not. Just try not to be stupid.
Also, do not allow us to tell you where you can and can’t go or what you can or can’t do. Do not let us deny you your boys’ night, hunting weekend or golf trip with the guys. Men deserve the company of good men, just like we need our ‘girl time.’ To not go, or not even think you can ask (and there’s the problem right there, feeling like you have to ask to do anything—I prefer the word consult). Same goes with getting a motorcycle, guitar, racing cars, playing in a band, etc. If it’s something your lil masculine heart desires, you get to do it. Just don’t be stupid.
You get to have women friends, too! Just be transparent. If you allow your woman to make you eliminate long-time girl-friends you’re a total pussy with an insecure tyrant as a wife or gf. If you are a good guy with nothing to hide this should not be a problem. If your woman is that insecure about your affection or your trustworthiness, that’s her issue to work through. She is not the boss of you.
Truth Bomb Number Three: We lack trust in men who don’t spend time with and invest in their own children. Be a man and Daddy-up with the kiddos.
Do not let us teach your/our children something that you do not believe or disagree with. Do not absolve yourself from their learning because you may be the bread winner and she is home with the kids. Your offspring and how their young minds are being programmed ought to be important to you. When you are an active participant in the important things having to do with their development, that’s notable.
If you are dating or in a second marriage, do not allow your new girl to get in the way of your relationship with your children by having you see them less, pay less child support, not attend their events, or by disconnecting with them in any way. If your woman pulls the jealousy card with your own kids and tries to make you choose between her and them to prove your love—dump her, asap.
Do not allow your ex-baby momma to keep you from your kids, either. She may try—never make it easy for her. If you succumb, she will dis you to all her friends and family and talk about what a shitty father you are. They are your children, too. If you really don’t give a shit and think your life would be much easier not having anything to do with your own offspring—this book is not for you. Any quality woman that would be ok with you abandoning your own kids, knows she will just as easily find herself rejected, and it speaks volumes about the kind of man you are—be prepared for the boot.
I once dated a recently divorced guy that was in a real battle with his ex—the children were one of their points of contention. One day he and I were just leaving the driveway to just go goof off. His older son called saying he’d broken a finger skiing and would he go pick him up from the resort. He blatantly lied to his son saying that he was working and that his mother was going to have to figure it out. I was mortified and said, “Go get him we can hang out another time.” He responded venomously about his ex, saying that if she wanted the kids to herself so much, she was going to have to deal with it. My respect for him plummeted in that moment.
A man who doesn’t love and invest in his own children is not worthy of respect. Nor is a woman who attempts to keep a man from his kids. Children are not pawns, and to use them in that way is deplorable.
Truth Bomb Number Four: We really don’t want a man that will sit quietly back while we spend his/our hard-earned money frivolously. Money is equivalent to power—don’t give it all away, you will be seen as a pushover.
Do not throw money at us or let us spend yours or our own money haphazardly. Don’t blindly give up 100% of that control of the purse-strings, be involved and know where the money is going each month. Am I saying you need to control every dime? Hell, no! I’m saying have some clear communication about your financial goals and at least some loose agreement as to how you will spend your hard-earned cashola. Decide together which part of the budget is discretionary, what’s for bills and mutually agreed upon savings.
If she has her own job or source of income, first of all, know that it’s hers and she has a right to do what she wants with it, but don’t have a double standard where she gets to control your cash, too. That old axiom of ‘what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine’ is bs. When women (or men) have 100% discretion over the family income, it’s an imbalance of power and though they may be thrilled about it, they won’t respect you for it.
Be helpful. Not in a judgmental way, but in an open communication kinda way. If you know more about investing or financial stuff, share your wisdom. Like most things, this is an area better served by both parties with some checks and balances to avoid resentments and maintain respect.
A man who doesn’t care about how his money is being spent is not trustworthy. If you let us spend whatever we want, without question, or buy us everything we desire, it feels like you are trying to buy our love and keep us happy. Though generous, it’s a weak move. We want to know that you have a bigger plan for our future and that you care where our money is going—like a smart man should. There is an interesting balance of power with money—don't be foolish, but don’t be a tyrant either!
Same goes for your kids. Don’t buy them everything their lil hearts desire in exchange for their love or because you feel guilty for not spending more time with them. Spend more time with them! Teach them the value of money, how to earn it and why they deserve to save some of it.
Red alert men! If your disinterested wife starts hiring personal trainers, getting plastic surgery, boob jobs, tummy tucks, botox and buying a new wardrobe all of a sudden, she may just be prepping for her exit. She’ll need to look her best out in the single market. Funny enough, it’s a thing. Just have a clue where your pennies are going. Be cognizant of behavioral changes with the finances. Sorry ladies :(
Truth Bomb Number Five: Don’t let your woman to give up her career/schooling for yours—at some point, she will resent you for it. Insist she gets her degree, training, or education so that she can be self-sufficient.
Do everything you can to encourage her to get her degree, follow her passions and assist her in being independent. If she did give up her job/career to have babies or to put you through school, get her back to school as soon as it is feasible. Watch the kids in the evening, pay for it, encourage her, insist! Take away every excuse that she may have to not complete her degree or master her craft. It shows your genuine concern for her and your confidence that you don’t need her to remain ‘barefoot and pregnant.’
You don’t ever want her to stay with you because she feels she has no options, can’t afford to be on her own, or has no clue what she’d do without you. And what if something happened to you? You don’t want her to be forced into some kind of menial labor job just to get by or feel like she has to marry some jackass to be taken care of. If you care about her, teach a woman to fish already. She may resist—push it, she will thank you later and respect you for it whether she says so or not.
If you are one of those dudes that believes that ‘if she doesn’t need you, she will leave you’…wtf? Are you nothing but a paycheck? Is your sole sense of worth tied to your income? If that’s the case, you should be worried. If you don’t know who you are outside of that paycheck, then you are not a strong man. Your ability to provide, though sexy and desirable, will not cut it with a woman on an evolutionary path. Don’t worry though, there are plenty of Muggle women that will have you based on your proven ability to earn alone—won’t matter if you’ve let yourself go, or if you’re dumb as a rock in all other areas.
If you have insecurities about your wife leaving you if she no longer needs your financial support, then two things: 1. Why are you with this shallow being? 2. Why do you feel that’s all you are good for? Time to work on your Self-love and worth. Get a life, have some interests outside of your work and your relationship. Do some inner Self-work, see a coach or therapist. Know your worth outside of your income.
If your worse fears come true and she does leave you, good for you! Would you have wanted this shell of a woman to stay with you because you were her only option? Would you have preferred her feigned interest indefinitely to being alone—or to finding someone that is genuinely into you? Hint: YOU will have to be into you before that happens.
Let it be enough that you did something honorable by assisting her to take care of herself. Chances are she’s made plenty of sacrifices for you in the past. Consider her repaid and move on, with your head held high.
Truth Bomb Number Six: Don’t get too complacent in bed or be too sweet and gentle. Women like variety, too. They want to be taken by you and know that you are still turned on by them.
Just because she liked something 10 years ago, and it still seems to be ‘working,’ spice it up! If you’re curious, know that she most likely is too. What haven’t you done together? Can you take a tantra class, try some different positions, or different locations? Maybe one night a month it’s all about her, and you take nothing for you. Maybe a weekend get-away? Maybe some role-playing…meet at a local bar and pretend you are meeting for the first time. Try objectifying her a lil more…whaaaaa?!?!? Let me explain.
As much as you hear women complaining about being objectified by men, you’d think they totally hate it—that’s not entirely true. Hear me out. It’s one of the reasons she turns to the bad boy. He has no problem telling her she’s hot af and what he wants to do to her amazing body. Though he may be brazen there is no question as to his desire for her. Men seem to think that women just want to hear you declaring your love and devotion and telling her what a fabulous mother and wifey she is. While that’s all sweet and good, and we do love to hear those things, to maintain her sexual interest you’ll have to stretch a little more than that.
As a ‘good man,’ you may never dream of uttering things in her ear like, ‘I’d like to fuck your brains out’, or ‘You are sooo hot tonight, that I am going to skip the foreplay entirely and not apologize for it,’ for fear of rejection or a slap across the face. It’s exactly what she needs! While she really has no interest in the dirt bag random guy that says shit like that to her, to hear her husband/partner saying naughty things is a total turn-on (unless your girl has become a nun—then you have other issues)! She already knows you love her. What she wants to know now is that you still desire her above all others—that your body craves her body. She wants to know that she still makes you hard at the mere sight of her.
A real problem in long-term relationships, according to Esther Perel, is maintaining eroticism with each other. Sometimes all the ooey-gooey, nurturing love we have for each other, while comforting and blissful, can be a far cry from building arousal, passion, and desire. What you need is a good dose of objectification. Instead of seeing your woman as just the wonderful mother of your children, or the brilliant entrepreneur that she is, try also seeing her as your temple of pleasure, your gateway to sensual, erotic play. Send her naughty text throughout the day. Tell her she has a great ass once in a while or that she looks super sexy in that dress. When you get home whisper something in her ear that will make her blush in front of the kids. She’ll be calling the sitter in no time and have zero need for that bad boy.
Truth Bomb Number 7: Though we want you to be intimate with us, don’t be too emotional—and definitely don’t be whiny.
“I knew it,” you declare, “we got bad information.” Wait. Just consider what you are sharing. There’s a difference between serious grief and being a whiner. If your mother died, we expect you to cry and we want to be there for you and comfort you in any way that we can, whether it’s a listening ear, sex, or food. We got you. However, don’t be a cry baby about losing your race, or a video, poker or baseball game. That’s lame. Determine to do better next time. Be a man.
We don’t want to hear that Joe at the office disrespects you, that you lost some verbal war with your brother, that your momma has always favored your sisters over you or that someone at the bank was rude to you. The bad boy is never going to tell us any of that or that he’s afraid he can’t make his motorcycle payment next month. We don’t want to see our man as weak. Daddy-up!
Never talk shit on yourself in front of us, or say things like you’ll never get a raise, progress in your job, lose weight, get healthy, or make anything of yourself. Don’t say you are a loser, stupid, broke, that you don’t know why your girl would choose you, or that she deserves so much better. This wreaks of victim mentality and is a total buzz kill. Ewww. If you think that, why should she think anything different? Don’t use her for a crutch for your pathetic need for self-validation, she’s not your mommy. Being needy is soooo unattractive. Fake it ‘til you make it, dude.
Sharing your genuine emotion or fears is totally different and can be healing to share, and a bonding experience. We want you to be vulnerable with us and share how you are feeling about our relationship, things that may be bothering/worrying you and concerns that you may have. We don’t want you to be a robot, we want to feel your deep passion and share your heart-felt sadness and grief—just don’t be a whiny lil bitch. That’s gross—unless you're sick…then it’s kinda cute :) We really do want to take care of you, too. Please let us. We just don’t want to be your mommy.
Truth Bomb Number 8: You should never feel like you are walking on eggshells around your woman. Never cower, make yourself small, or be afraid of us. Eww. Show us your boss man.
Tip toeing around your woman is about fear, it’s unattractive and you deserve to stop being such a pussy. If you are with a woman that has you feeling this way, time to examine the dynamic and when you lost your balls to her, or if you ever had them in the first place. Seriously, if you are afraid of her moods, not doing anything right or incurring her wrath at the slightest little thing, then 1. What happened to you?, 2. Why are you putting up with this?, and 3. When did you lose your self-respect and self-worth?
If your woman thinks she has this kind of power over you, you are nothing but her slave. She rules. She has zero respect for you and would cheat on you in a heartbeat. If not cheat on you, then use you, feel entitled to everything you have, and take you to the cleaners when you try to divorce her or when she finds a better deal and leaves you. But she’s not worried about you going anywhere because most of you will never try to leave her. You actually fear this hostile bitch leaving you! You act this way because you have zero self-worth, think that she is the best you can do, falsely worship her and even wonder how she ever chose you in the first place! I’ll tell you how—you are a weak man and she is a tyrant. You go together like PB&J.
Men like this are afraid to question their woman about any of her decisions, what she does with all of the money, or where she goes every Thursday night. You will bend over backward for this woman for a single crumb of affection or acknowledgment, which she rarely gives you no matter what you do. On those rare occasions that she agrees to have sex with you, she will have you feeling like she did you the biggest favor, even if all she did was lay there. This will never get better; her scope of control will just get larger as you continue to do all that you can in a feeble to attempt to please her and make her happy.
The only way to change this dynamic is for you to gain genuine Self-worth and to feel that you are deserving and desirous of something more. It will require you to remove your blinders. If you are this man, you have this woman on a very undeserving pedestal and are most likely drowning in a sea of metaphoric self-flagellation. Whatever spell she has you under, you feel overly fortunate to be in a relationship with her, and that you won some sort of coveted prize that you never thought yourSelf worthy of. This is exactly where your lil tyrant would have you be—a slave under her thumb. Newsflash: She is the consolation prize for thinking so little of yourSelf.
Open your eyes. This isn’t love. For fun, make a list of all the wonderful things you do for her and try to come up with even half that for what she does for you. If all you can come up with is her fabulous presence, which btw, is all she feels she need contribute, she doesn’t love you. Stop lying to yourself.
You probably had a very controlling mother, if I had to guess. If you had a father, he was most likely completely emasculated by your mom and nothing you did was ever good enough for one or either of them.
This has got to stop. You need help. You may not believe this right now, but you will be so much better off without her. Until you take your power back and learn to love yourself, you can’t expect anyone ‘out there’ to do otherwise either. Get out. Take care of you and get a fucking divorce, already.
Truth Bomb Number 9: Do not fall all over us, have us feel like you love us way more than we love you, or that you would die without us. Barf.
Yes, we want to feel secure in your love and affection, however, we also want to know that you are a passionate, red-blooded man in the world that is attractive to the opposite sex and that you too have options. Your overdoing it with us makes you look like you are sooo grateful that a girl like us would be interested in a guy like you—it makes us question our own judgment. Don’t make us feel like you are the lucky one and we got the boobie prize!
I’m not telling you to try to make us jealous, play on our insecurities or create a fear of losing you. We also do not want to feel like we could treat you like shit, ignore you for eternity and think you would still be hanging around kissing our ass because this is the best ‘a guy like you’ could ever hope for. Nor do we want to feel that you are so content and in love with us that you would never dream of looking at another woman. Yawn.
Don’t pretend not to see the obviously beautiful Victoria Secret-like-model that just walked by. Pretending not to see her is a lie. Don’t start comparing us to her though, that’s a jackass move. As a woman, I want to know that although there are plenty of other attractive women in the world, that are also attracted to you, that you choose me—and not blindly. Keep your woman on her toes, like she’d be wise to do with you, so you don’t take each other for granted. I’m not talking about game playing, just being observant about how the scales are tipping.
Don’t be withholding with your affection, complements or acknowledgment, either. Just don’t go over board or allow a major imbalance. Pay attention, if you are always the one giving out compliments and none are coming back, or they are just in response to yours, slow your roll. She’s not going to love you more, and she may respect you less.
Make your complements authentic so they are worth more! I had a sweet husband that would tell me I looked great, when I clearly didn’t, or that my meal of a basic salad and potatoes was the best meal he’d ever had. C’mon. Though sweet, it’s bullshit. Acknowledge the effort, maybe…but don’t shovel complementary shit—keep it real so we trust you. I called him King Shoveler because he complimented everything, which made nothing special.
Do what you can to maintain the polarity. Make sure she is as into you as you are over her, if she isn’t—you have issues. When that scale is consistently tipped in one direction, respect will be lacking.
As you can see from the truth bombs above, women lose interest, cheat or check out because they’ve lost respect for you. If they’ve lost respect for you, chances are that you don’t respect you either. If she’s lost respect she thinks you’re lame, that you have no backbone, that she’s free to walk all over you and probably sees you as boring and pathetic. Sure, initially she feels victorious, she now has her very own man slave. You take such good care of her, put up with all of her bullshit and she never has to lift a finger. She doesn’t even have to make a contribution to the relationship but to merely reside under the same roof. You make it so easy for her to be a mediocre partner. Most of you would do well to just wake up and get a fucking divorce, already.
Know this, if you are a man being a whiny lil victim about life, do not be surprised if your girl’s interests turn towards some more masculine feeling dude, if they haven’t already. Testosterone is attractive. Lack of self-worth is super-de-duper unattractive. Make no mistake, she’s been fantasizing about leaving you, but you are sooo fucking nice, needy and useful. I’m not saying to start being a dick, but definitely stop being a pushover if you plan to stay. Your girl will wonder what got into you and it just may save your relationship.
Manage your shit. You need a massive reboot whether you decide to stay or go. You can’t allow the masculine polarity to slip through your fingers again unless you want the same results with somebody new. Time to put your big-boy pants on, take back the reins, stop being a pussy and daddy up!!
Warning, some women of lower consciousness really do want a man slave, so she may leave you if you take your power back. It will be the best thing that ever happened to you, though you may be too busy crying about it to realize it. When you wake up, come to your senses and reclaim your manhood and your self-worth, she will no longer be the woman of your dreams. It may take a minute or years. But as the blinders begin to fall off, you will see your illusions and all of the ridiculous stories you’ve had to tell yourSelf to remain in that unhealthy place.
There is hope on the horizon. Take some time for yourSelf. Get to know who you are without the external need for the validation of a woman. Enjoy the freedom that comes from leaving the cage of slavery, subservience and being used. Acknowledge yourSelf for your courage to speak up for yourSelf, take your power back and make a positive shift for your own benefit for a change. You are headed in the right direction.
Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Don’t be afraid of a woman not wanting you if you put your Self and your mission first. Those women are not the droids you are looking for. Just do you for a while, figure out what you value, who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world. Be strong on the inside. Learn how to be the same everywhere with everyone in all areas of your life. That is the result of knowing who you are, not giving a shit about the opinions of others and just being an authentic human—it’s sexy af.~©laurie frazier Excerpt from the upcoming best-seller, “Get A Fucking Divorce Already!”
Best of luck! If you need a good coach, I’m your gal. Dm me. Be forewarned, I don’t tolerate whining very well.
