Monday, May 25, 2015
How do you feel about being responsible for how your energy lands with another person? What do I mean by that? I mean, how your words, actions, tone, or energy are perceived on the other end of your action, or lack of action. Do you think it matters? Do you think you are responsible, or is it the fault of the interpreter? What if they interpreted you accurately? They sensed your anger or rage and felt it, do you have any accountability for what then unfolds?
Here’s a personal example of what I mean. I was involved in a very volatile relationship over 9 years ago. At the time, myself and numerous others would have labeled my then boyfriend ‘verbally abusive’. He was a yeller alright, especially when he’d been drinking and smoking. I’m not much of a crier, nor have I ever considered myself a doormat and I don’t scare easily, however, I was often brought to tears and found myself in the fetal position concerned for my safety, a time or two. It was very easy for me to play the victim and even lie to myself that I was innocent. After all, I certainly didn’t yell at him like that. I didn’t drink and smoke and get ‘out-of-control’. I was half his size— he certainly wasn’t afraid of me! I was an innocent victim…or was I??
At the time, I didn’t know a lot about energy. I felt if I said fairly nice words, even if I was pissed inside, my ‘nice words’ were all that counted. If someone interpreted that I was angry, I could deny it all day long because, all I said was, “x, y, z”…nothing aggressive in that. Benign words. Towards the end of this relationship, I mostly felt like I hated this person. I would talk poorly about him behind his back, get sympathy from others. I would have a smile on my face in his presence, whilst having an energetic knife behind my back, ready to stab him (energetically) at any and every given moment. I would think evil thoughts like, ‘hope your plane crashes’, when he went out of town. Don’t tell me you have never had that thought about anybody?? Ok, it’s only me :(
This person was highly empathic and sensitive to energy. He absolutely felt my hater vibe, be it conscious or likely sub-conscious. My behavior didn’t have to be out-of-control, yelling and screaming, or anything. Since I rarely made the kind of outbursts he did, it was easy to point the finger at him, and on paper, if we were in a court of law, I would be vindicated and he would be charged. However, that would not be an accountable story, knowing what I know and feel about energy now.
My hater-energy, absolutely contributed to his emotional outbursts. He is a sensitive soul and he could feel it. It absolutely caused him to react. For me to claim otherwise, would be an outright lack of accountability. I’m sure I was also passive-aggressive and raised my voice at times as well. However, the energy is what I refused to see. I played the victim role well and got plenty of agreement from everyone around me. I could not see at that time, that my energy was making a huge contribution to his negative behavior.
I recently met with the wife of one of my addiction clients. She said she came home to her husband to find him passed out with a can (for huffing) still in his hands. Her initial report, was that she gently took the can out of his hands, gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to the other room. She reports she didn’t say anything or get pissed like she has in the passed. After talking further with her, it was clear that she was in a rage about it and was so disappointed in her husband. He too, was consequently upset with her, interpreted her kiss as ‘sniffing him for evidence’ and was super annoyed and frustrated.
We worked on a more accountable version. She was pissed as fuck, and bit her tongue and couldn’t stop thinking about it. In turn, it caused her to treat her husband poorly, which had him feel judged and he remained in his resentment for her, though she hadn’t ‘done’ anything. However, her energy was felt, and her self-proclaimed ‘kind actions’ were not met with gratitude, because her energy spoke the real truth of the negativity that she felt and was projecting.
I had another client that used to get so pissed that his kids would leave out the cereal boxes in the morning and all of their bowls. The kids knew this annoyed him and that he was always nagging about it. He started to bite his tongue, the mess continued. After some work, he finally let go of his attachment to the kitchen needing to be clean. His energy shifted. He decided that if it really bothered him, he’d clean it up with no energy or make-wrong vibe towards the kids. Before he knew it, the kids were picking up their dishes and putting the cereal away because there was no more judgmental energy around it.
Some more examples of people being unaccountable for our energy would be this:
You are having a discussion with a small group of 3-4 people, someone barges into the conversation, interrupting with their own agenda, cutting the others off.
You are at a meeting when a co-worker arrives late. They are completely disheveled, and immediately bursts out their story of why they weren’t there earlier, completely hi-jacking the meeting.
Somebody saying something super hurtful, with no concern as to how it will land with or affect the listener.
A parent comes home from work, he’s had a horrible day. Everybody knows it, without him saying a word. He slams the door, kicks the dog, starts yelling about toys on the floor or chores not being done, immediately upon walking in. Everybody runs for the hills.
Scientology has an interesting concept that is quite similar to this. They say, “don’t have a conversation with someone that is not capable of hearing it.” For example, say you had an affair 15 years ago, and you know if you share that information, it will be devastating to your partner. The only reason you want to share is to ease your guilty conscious and get it off your chest. Scientology would say not to share in that case. I would call that simply being accountable for how you’re communication is going to land with people. This means to put yourself in the others shoes, and think about how they are going to feel about what you have to say. Is there a better way to communicate it so your message can be heard? Is it really necessary?
Maybe you are really smart, and you know some cool things that others could benefit from. How accountable are you about caring if those on the other end are comprehending you? Are you more caught up in your superiority, industry-jargon, and your own ego, to adjust for someone else? Do you just feel, if they don’t get it, that’s their problem? Is it ever yours? How responsible do you feel to communicate in such a way that the other understands? Especially in your intimate relationships? Is that important to you? Do you genuinely desire and make an effort to speak the other’s language? Do you care if you are misunderstood? Are you ever told that you have mis-interpreted someones intentions or words? Do you ask for clarification when you aren’t clear?
I’m not saying we get to be the care-taker of everyone’s feelings and misinterpretations of us. I’m not saying it’s your fault if someone feels a certain way after you speak (or roar). I’m not saying you have to tip-toe around everyone and curb yourself at every turn. No. I’m saying, life just runs better when you actually care; when you choose to be kind.
Before any words cross your lips, my mentor(s) at the Chopra Center, David Simon and Davidji, said we deserve to ask ourselves 3 Questions: Is it true? Is it necessary? and Is it kind? Some Buddhist teachings say before you speak, you should ask: Is it factual? Is it true? Is it beneficial? Is it agreeable? Is it endearing? And is it timely? If it isn’t all of those things, apparently, you should save it.
These are a couple of different, yet similar concepts I am attempting to combine and share: When you have shitty energy, are you accountable for it? Do you ‘bite your tongue’, not say something or say a lie to keep the peace? All the while, your energy is screaming the opposite of peace, and you lie to yourself that you’ve done nothing wrong. Do you consider not just your energy, but your communication and how that lands with others?
It’s just about bringing some awareness around being accountable not only for our actions, but for our words, and our energy and asking ourselves the question, do we care how our words, actions and energy lands with others? Can we look outside of ourselves and into the heart of the other(s)? Can we love ourSelves enough to inject a little grace into our conversations? Can we have compassion and seek to understand? Or will we continue to speak as if we are the only ones listening? Are we more loving in the way we speak to our pets, than our loved ones? Just a few questions, I have.
It is my supposition that by being more conscious about your communication and how it lands, and the delivery of your energy, wether it is attached to action or no action, you will receive better results in your life. You will be able to have more authentic interactions, a greater understanding/Self-awareness of yourself and compassion for others. You will become more thoughtful, considerate and kind. People, pets and babies will want to be around you…..you will win friends, influence people and start a revolution. Before you speak ask yourSelf, Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Ask of your energy: Is my energy positive and uplifting? Is my energy intimidating and threatening? Is my energy dramatic and out-of-control? Is my energy inviting or repelling others?
Just because you had a bad day at the office, does not mean you deserve to bring that shitty-energy into your home to share with the wife and kids. An accountable person, would deal with that energy through meditation, simple releasing and letting go techniques and enter his home with inviting, warm energy.
Just because you are pissed that your favorite team lost the playoffs, does not give you the right to kick the dog or yell at the kids.
Just because you were cut off in traffic, does not mean you have to honk your horn, give your middle finger, and ride somebody’s tail.
You are not at the whim of your every thought and feeling…you are not your feelings, you are not your thoughts. You are the observer, the silent witness. Let go. You CAN be kind under ANY circumstance. Kindness is a always a choice. Be the change. Breathe the change. Live the change. “We are all connected. Be kind.” slogan of ulovemeloveu on FB.
Try it on for a week. Ask yourSelf the 3 questions before you speak. Practice inserting kindness in all of your interactions. Monitor your energy. Check in before you enter into a group of people or just one other. Are you able to be present? If you have some major chaos or turbulence happening on the inside, maybe you share with whomever you’re with so they aren’t wondering if they may have offended you in any way. Maybe when you get home you say, Mommy’s had a rough day today, I’m going to go take a bubble bath and meditate, I’ll be out in an hour in a better mood :) That’s accountable. Barking at the kids and saying you’re pissed at them because their chores aren’t done, is un-accountable.
I get this is just another layer of accountability, that most people will not want to take on. It’s burden enough for most to simply be accountable for their actions! I get it, and, like I said, what’s in it for you? Peace of mind. Feeling good about yourSelf. People will want to be around you when you check your grumpy-ass energy at the door. You will become a much more conscious creator of your world, circumstances and events. And if that isn’t enticing enough, I hear there are still some empty caves in the Himalayas. Shine on, shine on, beautiful Peeps!! We are all just walking each other home.
Great video from my mentor, Davidji below: