Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Year of Letting Go

Numerologically, it’s a 9 year for me. The hallmarks of a 9 year are change, completions and endings. Some experience the 9 energy by moving to a new area, changing jobs, leaving a relationship, or an interest of long association. The purpose of the 9 year is just that: to remove outworn and no longer useful personal relationships, things, attitudes, involvements and interests from your life thus making room for new and more vital levels of growth and existence. It is also a time when one is more likely to scrutinize old values, ideals, and the ideas that you thought were important. It’s a year of giving and looking outside of yourself. The 9 year often makes you aware of a lure to commune with nature as well.

It began in January…of course it did :) I let go of some-thing that was literally a soul mate to me in every way. I left my Enchanted Cottage…I loved that place more than any other place I have ever lived in my life. I’d lived in much bigger and much fancier homes, but this place had Soul…this place felt like an extension of myself…my second skin. I was so completely identified with it, there were times when I think I wasn’t clear what was me and what was the land I was on. I felt so at One there with the birds, deer, trees, stream…the lines at time were blurred. I lived in a continuous state of how one glimpses with a great love…that moment in time, while making-love, when you almost seem to MERGE with each other and you’re not quite sure where you begin or where your lover ends…you are One if only for a moment. This is how I felt on a daily basis at what I immediately dubbed The Enchanted Cottage. In the 4 years that I lived there, I honestly don’t believe there was EVER a day that I wasn’t in deep gratitude for the place or for some ‘happening’ there…baby deer just born…bleeding heart flower just bloomed, hail in June, communing in the afternoon with an elf owl on my bathroom window…you know…the usual, magical things that occur in a place that in truly ‘enchanted’.

Through a series of events… kids moving out and going to college, sister wanting to move in with me somewhere different, current relationship, etc…I left my soul-mate, The Enchanted Cottage…a piece of me will always remain there as I will also carry the spirit of that place in my heart for eternity. It will forever be a part of me. I had a love affair with that place that transcends time.

In March a job that initially was my Dream job…that in the beginning, I loved every minute of, fell by the wayside. At first it could not have been more perfect. I once said to the owner, “If I gave birth to a company…it would look just like this.” It was in the health and wellness industry, endorsed by my favorite guru and author of 20 years, Deepak Chopra, it was an Ayurvedic product, I got to speak around the country, start a woman’s group and assist conscious people in building their business… all the while promoting the amazing health benefits of Ayurveda and the great Chopra Center…including taking the seminars myself on the path to becoming a Chopra Certified Instructor!! Anyone who knows me would get how PERFECT that was for me and I for it! However, it became apparent to me that the ideals I had for the company and the owner’s desire for power and greed were no longer an energetic match. When the time came to part ways, it was the right thing. However, the “death” of what I had thought to be so perfect and the dreams I had for this company, that I had felt so much ownership in was difficult for me to let go of. I truly LOVED that company and put my heart, energy and soul into it. It never felt like work.

In April, I went to Bora Bora…probably one of the most beautiful and romantic spots on the planet and ended a relationship with a man that I adored. Only to briefly get back together with my prior 4 year tormented relationship and regretted it instantly. Ended that one for good…for this life and any future lives to come. Then spent the rest of the spring, summer and early fall processing my past relationships and ways of being. Shed a lot of old belief systems that I had grown up with and knocked down the fortress that had been around my heart almost since birth. Got clear about who I am what I desired to create. Cut out a lot of people, acquaintances and activities in my life that were no longer in alignment with my re-found Self. It was a pretty solitary, lonely yet extremely transformative and productive time as well.

I didn’t jump back into the corporate work force…I somehow knew the importance of the shift and transformation I was undergoing and mostly just meditated, did yoga and wrote…mostly alone.

Some of the other things I have willingly let go of were my BMW and nice, new apartment and shopping addiction. Could have kept them…could have just gone out and got the big J-O-B again and gone on status quo. Time for a change. I have completely embraced every step of this process…not saying it hasn’t been difficult or painful…just perfect.

One of the most painful letting goes I have had to face has been my daughter Hannah moving to Maine to live with my mother. All my kids have had cycled through being my favorites and Hannah has been the closest to me for many years now. I love that child so much. Since she was a baby I have called her my sunshine. She has been that for me…in my darkest and saddest of days, the mere sight of that child has brought me the greatest joy. She has been my best little friend and greatest teacher. I remember often sharing with her what I felt to be the mysteries of the Universe and her just looking at me with this knowing grin. I say to her, “You already know this stuff, huh?’” She just smiles back, not in a condescending way but as a mother looks at HER child… “…yes, Momma.” Such an old soul and beautiful spirit that I can’t even write about her without tears streaming down my face. I miss her so much.

Our kids are not our own. They came here to have their own experience, not ours. We can guide…they get to direct their life. Force is not the way of love or growth. This child of mine is strong, she wanted to claim something for herself and she created it and I am so proud of her.

Through this process an acquaintance of mine became the dearest of friends. During my months of solitude, she was sometimes the only person I would see…still is. She is and has been a beautiful, bright light in my life. She is an amazing example of truth, integrity, courage and spirituality. I can always count on her to tell me like it is…that’s one of the reasons I love her so much. She is true to herself and her beliefs. I live in her home…we’re roomies…and she is LEAVING in December for 5 months!!!

Definitely a year of change, endings and completion….

Good grief what more does the Universe require of me?? Well all of this started this morning when I dropped off my 11 year old, beautiful son at school. We were on time for the first time in a while…I said before he got out…cause it looked like he was going to forget…”give me a kiss, Bud…” His eyes got big, he shook his head and said, “I love you, Mom.” I said, “whaaat???...come on…are you kidding me, you’re not gonna give your Momma a kiss???” He quickly opens the door and tells me he loves me 2 more times as he walks away to be with his little 6th grade friends.

This happens just after I had just been thinking about Christmas on the way to school and was talking to my son about being with his Dad, Hannah being in Maine, and not sure what my college gymnast would be up to…and without a real significant other…feeling a little loneliness coming on…then NO KISS….I lost it…good thing I had sunglasses on…cried driving out of the parking lot down the street and then……

The beautiful Universe that loves me so much presented a beautiful family of about 12 adorable quail on the side of the road and I cried more …then I turned the corner heading east and the magnificent sunshine was just beginning to peak its head over Mount Olympus…it was breathtakingly blinding…you know when it’s so bright and you can see each individual ray shining through….I burst into tears…not in sadness…but in terrific joy…at how supported I have ALWAYS felt my entire life…in spite of everything…I can honestly say that I have always felt like the Universe holds me cupped in its hands…I have never really felt alone…whenever I even come close, that big, blue, beautiful marble shows me something amazing…often it’s a rainbow after I have gone through something heart-wrenching and remained in gratitude, or hawks flying over head when I’ve been missing the Enchanted Cottage…or a beautiful sunset every night from my bedroom window…or a new friend that “sees” me…or an old one that still loves me…

When I arrived home, still crying, there were 5 deer in my back yard and all I could say was, “the Universe freakin’ loves me so much”….everything speaks to me…I live in a beautiful world…It’s a beautiful life…and in the words of a favorite song of mine “…the sun may come up and go down again, I still swear it’s a beautiful life…” even if my son will no longer give me a kiss in front of his friends.

Friday, November 5, 2010

On Being Authentic and Be Do Have

I was on a second date the other night…our first was a 2 hour lunch…we had exchanged a few emails before that…nothing extensive. So I got a compliment that had me pondering into the next several days. He said to me, “You seem so comfortable…like you have no need to pretend to be anything that you’re not or act a particular way to try to impress me. I find that most people have such a wall up and are trying so hard to create some kind of image they want others to buy into. You seem very authentic.”

My first reaction was, “… well I’m just being me… but thanks.”

As I continued to think about this, I realized how easy it has become for me to just be ME these days. I thought about how comfortable I now am in my own skin. How ok I now am with ANY emotion that happens to come up…I now know that I no longer have to repress my feelings like I have done most of my life…especially the negative ones.

I have learned to EMBRACE each emotion, feeling and thought as it arises and allow my mind, heart and body to ACCEPT and experience whatever is there is to experience. Whether it’s fear, anger, anxiety or excitement, joy, surprise and humor…I ALLOW myself to be completely present with the emotion. A quote from the first Chopra book I ever read, I believe it was Ageless Body, Timeless Mind, that has stayed with me for over 20 years comes to mind, “Be ONE with the pain”…and may I add, the fear, sadness, anxiety, joy, bliss, etc. Be ONE with it, embrace it, feel it, experience it, bless it and release it. There no longer remains any fear in me of what others may think if I cry, laugh, am sad or insecure…I just get to share whatever is there.

I have been living in the practice of open-hearted-ness…because of this space that I have created for myself, I feel much more authentic and genuine. I no longer feel the need to put on a happy face when I am feeling sadness. This has generated a great feeling of peace and calm within me. I love myself more and have more compassion for myself and my feelings than I ever have. In the past, I believed crying was a sign of weakness…I never allowed myself to cry and would berate myself for having any feelings of anxiety or upset. Now when feelings like that arise…I think of myself as my own child…and treat myself with loving kindness. I allow the feeling to arise, I acknowledge it and honor it for the great teacher that it is…I am able to get the gift that it represents and often am able to quickly release it in gratitude.

This has been a major transformation for me…it feels as if my DNA has been re-written. I no longer even think the way I used to think. I have removed many old belief systems and shed layers and layers of old emotional baggage by allowing myself to feel and experience all the things I had repressed in the past. I think I may have cried all summer long…I spent most of my time in solitude, processing, writing and FEELING. Talk about therapeutic.

As a result, I love myself more than I ever have. I am the person I’ve always desired to be. I have more compassion and understanding for others because I now have it for myself. I feel I am capable of being truly authentic in the world, I know who I am, I am ok with my emotions, I am comfortable expressing my feelings to others.

This idea of ‘being’ led me to the next thought of ‘doing’…which is simply an outgrowth of the being. I am now doing what I’ve always dreamed I would get to do…writing, speaking, coaching and making a difference in the lives of others. I’ve had lots of knowledge for a long time but it wasn’t til recently when all of this knowledge in my head made the leap down to my heart and became a wisdom of sorts. I’m now able to communicate and articulate this material because I now feel it…it has become experiential as opposed to just reading in a book and forming an intelligent opinion.

As I read over my journal entry about the above, the old sales trainer in me kicked in to the Be-Do-Have presentations…I had written about ‘Being’ and ‘Doing’…isn’t it interesting I thought, how the ‘Having’ part for me has now taken a back seat, when it previously had a starring role. I got into sales and the window/construction business to make lots of money so I could HAVE everything that I wanted to have…and I did…I just didn’t know it at the time…all I could see then is what I DIDN’T yet have and what I wanted more of.

It’s funny how I have had less, materially, than I ever have and yet I have been happier, more at peace, experienced less anxiety than at any other time in my life. I have had everything that I NEED. It has actually been nice to live without the excess…it’s curbed my shopping addiction, I buy only what I’m going to eat (the deer are a little disappointed as they were the lucky recipients of my waste…don’t worry, I wouldn’t let them starve), I have learned the value of one dollar, I am much more appreciative and grateful for the things others do for me, I have learned how to save money and make a little go a long way. I got rid of my BMW in exchange for a VW bug…it’s been good for my ego…letting it go…along with the things that don’t matter.

As a result of living in my dharma, I know the ‘having’ piece will come…it can’t help but come and is a natural outgrowth of being who you are, following your path, loving what you do and assisting others. It’s just not center stage anymore…it’s secondary to being a bright light in the world, sharing myself and the gifts I’ve been given and knowing that as a result, the Universe will provide me with everything I’ve ever desired that matters.

Things don’t matter…people do…relationships do…kindness and compassion matter…a smile is a beautiful gift you give another…it’s fun to be nice…it’s nice to care…it feels good to your soul to have a good cry or to support someone through theirs…sunshine is a miracle…stars are a wonder…trees are my friends…friends are for loving and appreciating…snuggling with someone you love is the best…love is not over-rated…it’s all there is…and it’s free when given from the purity of your heart…

Monday, September 6, 2010

Rosh Hashanah...the Gates of Heaven are Open!!

Most of you may not know this but I graduated from Boston College with a Theology degree. Theology defined by Webster is the STUDY of religious faith, practice, and experience; especially : the study of God and of God's relation to the world also the study of divine things or religious truth; divinity. The word “theology” comes from two Greek words that combined mean “the study of God.” Theology is the art and science of knowing what we can know and understand about God in an organized and understandable manner. I’ve been a “seeker” as long as I can remember. When I was 15, I used to pray for the wisdom of Solomon…not real typical for a teenage girl, I know. I just always wanted to know things..the big things…like how the world works, the mysteries of the Universe and just who is God, anyway.

I have always been intrigued by the sacred texts of world religions from the Bible, Bagavad Gita, Zohar, Tao Te Ching, to the Book of Mormon. I’ve studied Pagan practices, Kabbalah, the law of attraction, writings of Chopra, Dyer, Tolle, and Abraham-Hicks to name a few. Throughout these almost 30 years of continual study, I have gleaned different beliefs and practices that I have felt a particular spriritual “connection” with…things that have spoken to my heart personally. One of those practices or celebrations that has had a tremendous impact on me is Rosh Hashanah.

Rosh Hashanah is the Kabbalistic beginning of the New Year. The Zohar explains that this holiday is one of the major cosmic openings in the heavens that occur throughout the year. They believe that what you do in the next 30 days following Rosh Hashanah and more specifically the 48 hours beginning at sundown of that holiday creates a blueprint for your life for the coming year. That is, all your actions, behaviors and consciousness during these 2 days determine your year!! It is also a time to remove any negativity from the previous year from your ‘field’. Wow!! What would you do if that were true? And if thousands of Jews for thousands of years have believed this, then like a Sanscrit Sutra that has been chanted for eons of time that has come to hold the essence and energy of whatever meaning it was given or revealed, then who am I to say otherwise about Rosh Hashanah.

I have always believed in working with the energies and forces of nature like the lunar cycle, elements: ether, air, earth, fire, water, the directions, North, East, South and West along with all the astrological influences going on at particular times on the planet. I mean, why not…it’s what I call, “going with the flow”. Rosh Hashanah is one of those things that really struck me and I have adopted it as my sacred New Year celebration.

Michael Berg of the Kabbalah Centre International, said of Rosh Hashanah, that it’s as if all the banks or the vaults of Heaven are open during this time and the sign reads: Everyone come in and take what you want. He says to approach it like a poor person who has nothing so you need EVERYTHING….more love, more peace, more money, more everything!! Be greedy with your goals and desires. He says when you get stopped and start thinking, “this could never happen…” THINK EVEN BIGGER. If only you understood how much abundance is awaiting you…

Berg says to make two lists. The first one is all the things you want in the coming year. Then on the second, outline the behavior that will get you those things. He reminds us of a very important detail. In order to get something, you have to give it. So for example, if you want more love and kindness in your relationship, you must GIVE more love and kindness. If you desire more wealth and abundance you must give that. If you feel you have no money to give away, go through your closets find what you no longer need and go bring it to a friend or charity. There are plenty of things that we can give that don’t require money. We can give someone a sincere compliment, a flower, something from your garden, a love note, or a listening ear. We can assist someone weed their yard, move, clean, babysit, or cook a meal. We all have so much, no matter what our circumstances are currently. Some have this notion that they will give when they feel they have…that’s backwards…we must give in order to have.

What I have done in the past during these 48 hours is, I make sure I meditate and get in some yoga, I eat food that is healthy and that I love, I used to make sure I had several appointments lined up and made sure I got a sale during that time when I owned my window business…translation: do something that is income generating, I make plans with the people I want to be part of my life in the upcoming year, I do something nice for somebody else,  I do something fun with my kids and I always WRITE!! I do my best to include everything I can think of that feels yummy to me.  Also I make sure my emotions and frequency remain high and in good spirits by thinking about everything I am grateful for in my life.

The gates are open, the overflow of blessings is available during this time. Whatever you grab or connect with during this time you will have in the coming year! What are you waiting for…go make your lists and prepare for your amazing new year…when you think you have a great list…think even BIGGER!!! Here’s to dream’s being fulfilled and the most AMAZING year EVER…can you FEEL it…I can…bring it on Universe…we are ready!!!

*This picture was taken about 4 years ago during the month of Rosh Hashana.  It was a time that I had recently made some major life changes and my face and posture reflects the deep peace and gratittude I was feeling during that time. Breathe. Receive. Peace. Harmony. Joy. (It was actually the origins of  what has become my signature pose.)

*• There is a lot more information on this topic available at the Kabbalah Centre International. Please feel free to share here anything that you learn with the rest of us. Thanks.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

No Ordinary Love

Do you desire a relationship that transcends time? Do you dream of finding your Soul Mate? Do you crave a love so big that nothing on the planet can tear apart? Do you long to lie next to a partner that you can completely expose your heart and soul to that will embrace every part of your past, present and future no matter what it contains? Do you dream of a partner who is truly your best friend but has equal passion and desire for you…someone who adores your spirit but wants to rip your clothes off at the same time?

We all SAY we want it…I know most of you are eagerly nodding your heads, some of you even yelled out, “yes, yes, give me some of that!!!...I’ll have what SHE’S having!” Well, it isn’t that easy…sorry. It requires something. What are you willing to do and/or go through for that kind of love if you knew it existed? And how do you know it exists? If you desire it and can imagine it…it exists and it is there to be had or should I say CREATE.

Are you willing to be alone for an indefinite amount of time and surpass all instant gratification? Are you willing to be celibate and WAIT? Are you willing to say NO to all offers when you feel like you’re dying of loneliness? Are you willing to cut off all friendships and associations that are not in alignment with the kind of partner and /or life you wish to create? For example, if you desire a monogamous relationship are you willing to distance yourself from all others who are not creating that? ARE YOU WILLING TO BE EVERYTHING THAT YOU WISH TO CREATE and forsake everything you wish NOT to create?

Are you willing to COMPLETELY SURRENDER EVERYTHING? Are you willing to give up all your hobbies, friends, career, and material stuff in order to create something brand new TOGETHER?

It is in that space of pure love, consciousness and total surrender from which TRUE partnership has the fertile soil to grow. We must surrender all of our attachments to our previous life…willing to give up ALL for LOVE. Nothing but your relationship with Self/God/Source may you place above this Love…not your children, religion, ambition, interests, career or even dharma.

When you come together in this space and place of uncertainty, yet total TRUST …completely naked and stripped of all you have known and clung to, therein lays depth, adventure, mystery and fun. It is here that ALL possibilities now exist…ones that were never there before. A whole new ENTITY is born. You now choose TOGETHER what you desire to create…maybe you will choose everything that you came in with, maybe you will keep some of it and let some go…maybe you will create an entirely new world. The point is, if you desire this kind of love, you must be willing to surrender EVERYTHING for it in order to put your beloved in the center of your Universe.

From this new world springs forth honor, devotion, understanding, compassion, loyalty, respect, faithfulness, joyful service, tenderness, adoration, laughter, serenity, sacred-union, worship, communication, sensuality, vulnerability, passion, strength, friendship, consideration, and true equally yoked PARTNERSHIP.

Most people are not willing or able to completely surrender themselves, or their egos to truly MERGE with another. Most may not even know this is what it takes or maybe they have no desire for such a union. Many are happy to go about their lives, status quo as if they have merely acquired a new car, status symbol or another trophy to put on their shelf. As if they had just crossed another thing off their list of things to accomplishments in life…marriage…check. They may make some minor adjustments like making room in their closet and dividing household chores. But basically, there is someone new in your house yet you are still ALONE.

I’ve done that kind of marriage/partnership…it is nothing I will choose to create again. I found it to be very empty and lonely. You do YOUR thing, I do mine…you have YOUR goals…I have MINE…you have YOUR kids…I have MINE…YOU have YOUR friends and I have MINE. What’s the point? It is an arrangement—it’s about convenience…it’s about laziness and settling.

The Sacred Partnership that I am creating will be a true union and merging of souls. Imagine the roots of two trees being brought together…they begin to intermingle…they become ONE…and the TREE emerges as a brand new beautiful entity unto itself. When you think of that union and that couple you see them as one unit…even when they are apart their love is so big the others “essence” is always present…because they carry their beloved and cherish that love wherever they are. They speak highly of each other; admire, respect and honor each other. They don’t make major decisions without the others input. They consider each other’s feelings. They don’t have friends the other is uncomfortable with or those that do not fully support their relationship. They have no interest in flirting with the opposite sex. They are not afraid to publically declare their love for each other. They don’t want to be apart…they are happier together. They sleep naked next to each other every night whether they have sex or not…it’s about the intimacy, vulnerability and complete exposure physically as well as metaphorically. They have lots of inside jokes and pet names for each other. They hold each other’s hearts in their hands like a fragile flower they want to protect, water and nourish.

So you get the idea…as the song goes…”this is no ORDINARY love….” Not for the faint of heart, may not be for the very young either. This love must almost come after a lifetime of contrasts….of doing things just the opposite, of broken-hearts and dreams. It usually comes after decades of betrayal and being betrayed, lack of communication, selfishness and ambition, constant complaining and bickering, lack of intimacy and consideration, insecurities and jealousies and mostly a lack of self-worth and authenticity.

This “BIG LOVE” of which I speak requires the equal effort and desire of two people. This is not something you merely FALL INTO because you love each other. This love requires equal conscious CO-CREATION EVERY DAY…like I said, it’s not for the lazy or faint of heart…it requires something special…and in the words of Eat, Pray Love author Elizabeth Gilbert, which I will take a little artistic liberty… “You don’t need a MAN (or WOMAN) you deserve a CHAMPION!!!

If this is what you desire to create just BE THAT CHAMPION and never settle for anything less!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

-Amas Veritas - True Love Spell

Love…it’s one of the most basic needs of human beings. We have all heard the stories of infants that don’t get held and how they don’t grow like the ones that do. And that’s even BEFORE they have any preconceived notions of what love SHOULD look and feel like.

Most of us are so desperate for love that we will allow ourselves to survive on even the smallest crumbs of affection. YOU know what I’m talking about…you pour your heart out to someone in vulnerability and all you get back is xoxo and you try to make excuses for your partner like he/she is soo busy…they really do love me…they did buy me that sweatshirt on Valentine’s Day…whatever your story is…

Not only are many of us surviving on crumbs from others but because of OUR fear, that’s all most of us are able to GIVE…too afraid to FULLY expose our hearts because of our fear of rejection…so we only share crumbs. We give only half of ourselves. ..or even less…expecting/hoping that other person will somehow “see” us through all the layers of fear, insecurity and self-loathing and respond with a big, open heart…the one WE were afraid to share!!

WE’VE BEEN GOING ABOUT IT ALL WRONG, PEOPLE!! I know…I’ve done it from both sides…most of my life giving crumbs, more recently accepting crumbs although I was laying my heart on the line.

What happened…SELF-LOVE happened…it was somewhat of an evolution…always is. So I was clear some time ago about living from my heart-space, being vulnerable…exposing my heart and feelings…been doing that and I must say…I have been playing FULL OUT in that arena…it has been HUGE for me.

I got to a place where I was clear the next thing I wanted to create in my life was an amazing relationship with an amazing partner.  Being capable of sharing my heart authentically and putting my relationship first in my life in a way that I never have in 2 prior marriages and a couple of failed relationships, I now look forward to creating TRUE partnership with someone that is ready and able to do the same.

I set out on a very cosmic day (lunar/solar eclipse) with 2 of my best girlfriends on a hike up the Bountiful Canyon. We found a big beautiful tree to sit under… we “created” together our “ideal” man and relationship…what it would look like, feel like, certain characteristics this man would have (think Practical Magic, when Sandra Bullocks’ character as a child was doing a love spell and said, “…his favorite shape will be stars, he'll have one blue eye, one green…” and she sent it off into the ether...see below) …that’s exactly what we did with great detail and discussion about ALL of it.

After discussing what we were going to create, we talked about how WE were going to BE all of those things that we desired in a partner. When we were NOT exhibiting those things we had each other to call us on it and to get us back on track. I made some big changes in my life…letting go of friendships that were not in alignment with my new creation, not dating, spending a lot of time alone in contemplation, reading books about relationships, letting go of old filters that I realized were not authentically mine…just old beliefs that I had grown up with, allowing the divine feminine to blossom within myself, and refining constantly just what it is that I desired and was creating. What we were doing was “creating space” for that person/relationship to show up...or like the clip said, we were "summoning up a true love spell".

I believe that anything we truly desire, we must have total clarity about it before it will appear/manifest…it must be created in the vibrational field first of thoughts, intentions and emotions and then RELEASED. Once we have “created” it on this spiritual plane, we must let go of our attachment to it. We must also let go of any particular face we have attached to this creation and be open and trusting of the UNIVERSE/GOD/SOURCE to show up in exactly the way our authentic heart has requested.

When someone does show up in our lives, we deserve to be patient and let the relationship unfold in its own timing…it should never feel forced. A flower doesn’t “try” to bloom…it just blooms…grass doesn’t “try” to grow…it just grows…as do all GREAT relationships. Which is not to say that no effort is involved.

Often in our haste to find “the ONE” we take our “list” and project it on this  one person… we will stretch our desires to make them fit this person. For example you may have on your list that you must admire and respect your partner…and you DO …in the area of business…but you DON’T in the way he treats you…that’s stretching. Or you meet someone who MAY fulfill your entire list of desires, but they don’t “look” the way you thought they should or have the right job, etc. You were expecting an international business man and a cowboy showed up. Or guys, you were expecting a 6 foot tall blonde with big boobs and a 5’4” brunette appears in your life. You dismiss them (think Jerry Seinfeld…man hands) because of the outer details…you don’t even look to see what may be lurking in the HEART which is MOST important.

Forget the little details like likes, dislikes, hobbies, careers, looks…set it aside for a moment…those things DO have a place and may be what initially attracts us to each other, however…once you find someone you think you may be interested in…the more important questions to ask yourself is, “How do I “feel” around this person?”, “Does this person have a kind heart?”, “Does this person love, honor and respect himself?” , “Does this person inspire me to be a better person?”, “Does this person have a good relationship with his family, children, friends?”, “Do you admire and respect this person?” If you can answer yes to all of these questions…then you have a great foundation to explore everything else…chemistry, interests, workability.  They say that friends make the best lovers. One of the things on my list was that I desired my future partner to be my best friend.

We often go about it just the opposite…always looking for chemistry and the outer shiny stuff…we get involved too quickly to later find out kindness, communication and respect are lacking. Now your entangled and watching all those things you desired to create…become part of a distant dream instead of a reality.

Set your priorities, be crystal CLEAR about the relationship you want to create and don’t settle for ANYTHING less! The temporary crumbs of affection or instant gratification you may gain are EXACTLY what will keep you from creating the DREAM LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. The Universe has infinite organizing powers…TRUST, BELIEVE and be OPEN to RECEIVE.  What if that person you dream of DOES exist? Isn’t he or she WORTH waiting for?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Tears & Kindness

The journey of self-discovery is one I know well…taken more classes and seminars through-out the years than most ever will. Along the way there have been things that have touched my heart momentarily or temporarily…but the heart-space has never been a place that I have LIVED from…it has remained virtually unexplored territory…until now.

The past 4 months I have consciously and intently been uncovering and unearthing the layers around the fortress that used to “protect” my heart. I have practiced and am now living with my heart wide-open and I dare say, will never go back. Don’t get me wrong, it has not been all butterflies and unicorns with little hearts dancing through the ether like a cartoon. Although some days have felt like that…I wrote in my journal on one of those days, “…the inner peace, joy and happiness have been so sublime that I’ve almost felt un-earthly…” Most days however, I have felt extreme sadness, heart-break and lonelines co-existing. On some days, I have cried 3 times before breakfast…and that was just a start….besides the 3 reasons mentioned above I have also wept in deep gratitude at the grace present in my life, the abundance, the love pouring through my veins for every living thing…songs make me cry…not just lyrics but passionate opera, driving by the Enchanted Cottage makes me bawl, seeing a hawk flying at my old place almost brought me to my knees missing the sight so much…

Do you know what surprised me the most about my tears, besides the fact that I could have counted on my hands the times I had EVER cried in my life before I turned 30 and now I cry daily?  The biggest surprise is the tears I cry at the smallest acts of kindness from friends and strangers alike… here’s a (partial) list:

…hugs…omg…when I’m on the verge of tears and somebody hugs me…I just lose it feeling their love for me.

…I was going to ask a friend who has a beautiful yard if I could go there to write…I cried before I even called because I knew he would say yes…I cried more when the text came back, “…I love you. The mansion is your playground…”

…beautiful emails from a dear friend acknowledging the inner work I had been doing..."Your grace under fire is so very indicative of all the work that you are doing ...AND your courage is supported and admired. You could totally break down and crash and everyone who truly loves you would love you all the same. You could fly straight into the sun and burn up completely and find yourself reborn in a completely new form and everyone who loves you would love you all the same"

…a friend gave me a bag full of fresh veggies and blueberries…I cried.

…another friend said, “you’re the perfect woman: beautiful, smart, sexy, easy to get along with and spiritual…get REAL clear about what you want because you can have anything.” …tears of joy on that one…

…someone I don’t know on fb telling me what an inspiration I was to her and that she wants to be a better person because of it…cry…

…texts from a couple to me in the middle of the day, “we are thinking about you, Laurie and just want you to know we are here for you…if you need anything don’t hesitate to call.”

…having car issues and my friends husband says, “I know you have a lot of girlfriends, Laurie…but probably none of them can change your oil…sometimes you just need a man…just call me.”…more tears.

...a message from a friend I have yet to meet, expressing his love and concern for me, calling me his little brown-eyed girl...

…another friend letting me borrow his Jeep when he was out of town because of my car issues at the time…

…the Universe giving me a double-rainbow, pointing out the hawk overhead and a beautiful flower growing out of a crack in the cement on my walk…

What has developed for me because of this is KINDNESS…on a whole new level. Having never (or rarely) been“fragile”…I didn’t get the impact of how my kindness or lack of consideration may have had on another. I considered myself a “nice” person before, but I can say that I was unconscious about it. Now, everybody gets hugs from me…long ones…my smile means more knowing that I may be looking into the eyes of despair and wishing to communicate hope in a glance…I offer things to people that I don’t need or think they would appreciate…clothes, food, rides to the airport…I consciously look for ways to be kind, give, inspire and show my appreciation.

When I say, “thank-you” it’s not empty or unconscious like it was expected, no big deal or something I could have done for myself…..when I say thank-you for your kindness, gift, compliment it is from the depth of my heart that has been touched or moved in some way because of your generosity. Thank-you.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

To The Universe...I Feel Your Love...

I wrote this to the Universe on my Birthday in Bora the time, it seemed like the only love I could trust...

I feel your love in the warmth of the sun on my bare skin-

your love warms me like that.

I feel your love in the glistening of the waves at sunset-
your love shines on me like that.

I feel your love in the tropical rain storm-
your love nourishes me like that .

I feel your love in the warm, floral scented air-
your love brings me joy like that.

I feel your love in the compassionate palm tree in my sadness-
your love understands like that.

I feel your love in the billowy, downy clouds floating above me-
your love comforts me like that.

I feel your love in the deep blueness of the sky-
your love is true like that.

I feel your love in the crescent moon at dawn that conveys my first birthday wish-
your love is thoughtful like that.

I feel your love in the constellations that shine each night-
your love is faithful like that.

I feel your love in everything...
even through my broken heart...your love is like amazing grace-
your love is healing like that.

Journey Into Healing

Journey Into Healing

I had the amazing experience of attending one of The Chopra Centers’ signature programs, Journey Into Healing at the Biltmore Resort and Spa in Arizona in February 2010. I have been a Chopra fan for no less than 20 years now and to finally be doing this was a long-time dream come true.

There were many doctors, chiropractors and others from the health industry there. The Chopra Center or should I say the Chopra Center University is now accredited by the UC San Diego School of Medicine and is offering continuing education credits. It was quite an immersion into the Eastern healing art of Ayurveda integrated with the latest advances in medical science.

We were immediately taught Primordial Sound Meditation and were led into meditation morning and evening for 30 minutes twice a day with the magnificent Davidji. We also had the opportunity to do Yoga early morning and evening. It was fabulous. Each day in Yoga the instructor would go through one of the Seven Spiritual Laws of that particular day along with the Sanskrit Sutra. I found it very purposeful and intentional for me and it made my Yoga practice more significant. The Yoga was definitely one of the most enjoyable, invigorating parts of the day for me.

One of the other amazing benefits not to be overlooked was the food. All vibrant, fresh, colorful, vegetarian food, most of it straight from the Chopra Cookbook. Delicious salads, soups, entrees and desserts representing the 6 tastes of life: sweet, sour, salty, pungent, bitter and astringent. If only I had a cook at home to have these beautiful meals waiting for me when I got there!! I picked up my Chopra cookbook when I got home and realized most of the recipes were actually very simple to make.

For anyone that wants a better understanding of Ayurveda, mind-body healing, managing stress and food as medicine, Journey into Healing is for you.

You will come away with a great meditation practice, understanding of yoga, Ayurveda and the Eastern healing arts, what your body constitution is (Doshas), and a system of wellness that you can share with your family and friends that will assist them in bringing themselves into greater balance and wholeness.

I highly recommend Journey Into Healing to everyone. It was a 5 day transformational program that launched me into the Teachers path of Perfect Health. I will be attending Seduction of Spirit the end of March in Marco Island, Florida.

Gift to Self...on my 44th year...

Four Seasons Bora Bora

I wrote this on my 44th birthday in Bora Bora April 11th , 2010….

So I woke up early and went outside on the deck of our beautiful little hut on the water to meditate at 5am. I started out just honoring the earth for this beautiful place…especially the moon that was in the shape of a crescent hanging in the sky and cradled in the middle of it was a beautiful star…as I continued to look on it, it was the first to wish me a happy birthday…funny, I had forgotten the day when I arose so early. Next was the mountain, then a palm tree, a coconut and a squid…all wishing me a happy birthday. The Universe said, “We are happy you are here little one…we smile brighter because of you”. Nice…I smiled to myself. “Namaste”, I returned.

I love the earth, the planet, the Universe…all expressions of me. I am THAT moon…I AM the drop in the ocean and the ocean in the drop. I AM the beauty all around me.

Happy Birthday to me!! What gift can I give myself this year? Easy. The gift of loving myself on this 44th year. I’m going to give myself permission here and now to love myself unabashedly for one whole year…you (I) can decide when you’re 45 if you want to go back to self-loathing or not. I say fake it til you make it…by the end of the year you just may find you even like yourself…sweet…I’m doing it!! I vow to love every inch and pound of myself just the way I am.

What can I do to love myself?

1. Meditate at least once a day, preferably twice.

2. Do Yoga everyday even if it’s at home.

3. Eat the healthiest food that I can find.

4. Continue eating little or no meat.

5. Whenever a negative thought of self comes up, replace it with a good one.

6. Find compassion for others and be compassionate…maybe in having it for others, you will find it for yourself.

7. Find the stillness throughout the day woven in between segments, circumstance and conversation.

8. Acknowledge the powerful creator that you are.

9. Create, create, create.

10. Take advantage of the opportunities coming your way and make a contribution…your efforts will be rewarded.

11. Be a better friend…keep in touch…acknowledge the gift your friends are.

12. LOVE your kiddies…do everything you can think of to let them know (individually) how special they are to you.

13. FEEL your feelings…allow your feelings to come up…make a safe space for the sad ones.

14. Make choices and decisions from your HEART space…GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!

15. Remember you ARE love…no one can take it from you…the more you give, the more there is.

16. Remember you are safe.

17. GO TO BED before 11pm…that’s how you could really love yourself.

18. Get up early!!

19. Move back to a beautiful place surrounded by nature.

20. Take walks!!

21. Visit the ocean!

22. WRITE!!! …and SHARE your writings.

23. Here’s another great gift I’m going to give myself this year…the gift of BREATH…You get to breathe this year…fully and deeply. And after the year goes by and you decide you want to go back to scant and shallow, we’ll let you 

24. Love your body. Stop the derogatory self talk. At least for this year there will be no talk of boobs that are too small or hips that are too big…no tummy hate and no concern for aging.

I want to be in service and give more to others this year…my higher self says, “In doing so you will become closer to your true nature. In becoming closer to your truest self…it is even easier for you to love you…much harder if you are inauthentic.” The more you smooth out the rough edges and chip away at the fortress (around your heart) and get closer to your heart, trust your heart, and believe in your heart in all areas…when you are living in that space….it is here that you will love you more.

TODAY…July 30, 2010
I am happy to report that with the exceptions of 17, 18, and 19 I have done exceptionally well with my list in only 3 ½ short months. In fact, so much has changed for me since I wrote this, I feel like my DNA has been re-written. I have had more compassion for myself and others, I have been living from my heart space and feeling ALL of my feelings…every painful one. As a result, I feel more authentic in my own skin than I ever have and it has been easy to truly love myself. Because of all these things I have also begun to uncover my life’s purpose and have many creative projects that I am working on. Much more to come on all of this.

So it’s safe to say that after 3 ½ months of major shifts and transformation in my life…I will not EVER go back to the shut-down, cold hearted shadow self…even if it is easier. I will however, embrace it in gratitude before sending it on its way…It served me as a little girl to protect myself…now this little girl has no need of protection and is ready to live a big, open-hearted life.

Hello world…it’s a brand new day…

Friday, July 30, 2010


I had an experience at Seduction of Spirit, a Chopra Center event in Marco Island in March that I would like to share. I went into it with some questions about a relationship that I was in, wondering why things appeared to be a little “stuck” when everything on paper made so much sense…I was a little hurt and frustrated by the whole situation. I thought that I had been practicing the Law of Detachment but I realized I still had very strong ties to the outcome. After a couple of days of yoga and meditation this is what I wrote:

So it turns out, there is enough love in the world for me. I can’t force anyone to love me. I can’t give you a spreadsheet of all the reasons I am perfect for you…a resume is not what is required…why? Because I am enough. Enough without the resume, beauty and brilliance. I am enough and there is enough love in the world for me whether anyone returns that love or not. The ocean, the sky, the earth, the birds-all speak love to me. The Universe is nothing but love in all directions…the air we breathe, the space we maintain-ALL LOVE. Love is all there is.

And in the end we choose who we choose and it has nothing to do with their resume. My happiness, joy, and bliss are not tied to a choice made by someone else or to anything outside of myself. No one can take love from me because I AM love and I freely give my love to all. There is no loss, there is no separation…all are illusions.

I choose to be one who brings peace and embraces love in all its forms. The thing about love is that there is an unbounded,limitless supply. In fact, the more I give away and say yes to life, the more life gives and says yes to me.

I also remembered that I am safe…safe without a job, safe without a relationship, safe without a family…safe with nothing at all. Love is all around…the Universe loves me and I remembered that I am safe.

They say that nothing is new under the sun…none of these concepts are new to me, I know (intellectually) that I am enough, I know that I am love, I know I am safe and that separation is an illusion, but sometimes I forget…and in the space of “quiet” and “stillness” there is remembering…remembering who we really are, remembering of our divine magnificence , remembering of the role we have on this planet to shine the light of consciousness and awareness to all those who in a moment forget…..

Here’s to remembering...