Rescue Mission To Reclaim the Neglected & Abandoned

Photo Cred: @kimzier11 Instagram

Does anybody else love exploring old and abandoned buildings? I've had a passion for this since I could walk. What’s that?!? What is in THERE? With wild abandon I still charge past the no trespassing and do not enter signs, as if they were invisible and certainly never intended for me. Those are for people that live in fear and follow the rules for their own safety and all the other bullshit they were taught. I certainly wasn’t afraid of crumbling buildings, overgrown weeds, or snakes and spiders that may have been lurking around the next corner. Nor did the thought of bums that may have taken up residence concern me, ‘cuz well… I made friends easily. I certainly wasn’t going to worry myself with getting in trouble, because who was going to be in any of these godforsaken, abandoned places anyway? Besides, if some law enforcement happened to show…remember—people like me. None of that ‘what if’ shit ever registered with my head-strong lil Aries Soul. The rules were never for me, and when confronted with one, it always felt like a challenge to be immediately broken, just because it dared to exist in my presence.  

I came across a picture today of an old, deserted Victorian home, similar to the one in which I grew up in Maine. I was struck, as I always am, by my love and intrigue for the abandoned and neglected. My first remembrance of this was as a child, exploring Mrs. LaSalle's all but forgotten, scary building behind her home. She was an elderly, unkind woman and former teacher. Inside this odd building were damp and dusty books with pictures of naked body parts and galaxies that surely contained the mysteries of the Universe to a 6-year-olds imagination. To make it even creepier,  a real-life skeleton lurked in the corner. There was never much light in there, it had a weird smell and you can imagine the crazy stories the neighborhood kids would make up about this mysterious place. I was warned repeatedly not to go in there but the place just oozed with the dark and unknown and I couldn’t help myself. 

I’m taking a couple of classes currently, one on depth psychology and the other on the shadow and astrology, so I decided to explore this curiosity a little more. This fascination of neglected and abandoned buildings has been a theme in my dreams and in life has expanded into retrieving, reclaiming and renovating places like that. The home I’m in now was abandoned for over a year when it landed in my lap, in desperate need of some TLC. Needless to say, with a little help, lots of cleaning, painting, love and sweat equity, I’ve shined it up to a proper palace worthy of this goddess. 

AddPhoto Cred: @szary.burek on Instagram

When I lived on a beautiful property I called The Enchanted Cottage, I went to work (often with the assistance of others—but always driven by my love of the place) at reclaiming the forested acre lot. It was completely over-grown and hardly walkable. By the end of my 10 years of devoted service, there were twig-lined paths, a renovated tree-house, and countless herbs, flowers, and bird-feeders scattered perfectly about. Many of the trees I’d climbed myself to place twinkly lights and hang wind chimes to make it extra magical. 

Why, though? Why couldn’t I just find the perfect spot from the beginning? Why did I always have to feel like I was rescuing something? Well… enter junior psychologist. Maybe it's because I’ve felt abandoned, neglected and unwanted. Hmmm...way to go Sherlock. It's always been my core wounding. I have been reclaiming myself through rescuing birds with broken wings, feeding small, wild creatures, and providing a roof and warm meal to various friends and family members in need for years. I’m the one inviting all those folks with no place to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas over for dinner. I’ve always gotten into homes bigger than I needed just in case…somebody else needs a spot. I’ve never wanted anyone to feel abandoned on my watch, or to feel alone without assistance in a cold, cruel world. Always providing a message of hope for the weary traveler of life. “Ooh, child….things are going to get easier and brighter.” Oh…how sweet, lil Laurie. No….that wasn’t it. 

It was all just bread crumbs from my soul regarding my deepest shadow desire to be loved and nurtured arising from my deepest shadow fear of being rejected and abandoned. For someone to say to me, you…YOU are worth saving. YOU are worth my time, effort and industry to see that you have all that you need to thrive, dear one. I adore all that you are. Every crack and crevice, every shadow and unexplored dark and dreary place within…every pettiness, meanness, and smallness. I will love all of those places inside of you every bit as much (and maybe more) as all your magnificent, outstanding, exceptional and exquisite places. Your brilliant, sacred, and beautiful Soul I will revere along with your grace, freedom, and wisdom. I embrace all that you are, with every bit of my heart and soul. You will never want for anything and I will always cradle you within my arms like the wide-open Universe holds its treasured stars, planets, and galaxies. You will be cherished and adored as if the hope of all humanity resides in your perfect blossoming and unfolding. You are that important to all of creation. 

Is that not our deepest desire? To be loved and cherished exactly as we are in this moment, and all past and future moments? To be so cherished that none would ever dream of casting us off? 

We are that important to all of creation. We are here to heal ourselves from our perceived brokenness over lifetimes. We are here to gather up all the seeming fragments of our Soul over eons of misunderstood abuse, poverty, rejection, and abandonment. We are here to feel all of the rage, shame, guilt, apathy, fear, pride, and grief of those lifetimes and transmute and transcend it all to higher levels of consciousness where all of it is accepted, honored and embraced. Where none of the shadow aspects of humanity are left behind but are loved into wholeness. We feel, therefore we are. We embrace all because we are one.  

Where have you ever felt rejected and abandoned, and how can you go about not doing that same thing to yourSelf any longer? How and where do you deserve reclaiming? How can you give yourSelf that gift? Where have you been orphaned? What aspects of yourself have you just completely neglected like some red-headed step-child? Is it your health? Weight? Spirituality? Anger? Desire? Your passions? What have you put on the shelf and said, ‘you will have to wait’…or 'you don’t deserve this or that' or 'that isn’t important right now'? And how dare you deny your Soul its very life, breath, and passion? Who are you (shell/ego/boss) to say your art will have to wait…finding love will have to wait…taking care of your body will have to wait… being angry will have to wait? How dare you? How dare you deny yourself well-being, vitality, excitement, and joy. For what? And 'til when? (When do you get to reclaim and renovate your Soul?) 

This isn’t about blaming or shaming somebody for not giving these things to you. This isn’t about finding the right somebody that will be all that for you. It's about reclaiming ourSelves, ourSelves. It is about loving ourSelves and our perceived stories of being cast-off, abused and abandoned and making it right within ourSelves by refusing to continue the abuse. It’s about us loving us enough to allow ourSelves everything that we need and desire. It’s about feeling worthy and giving ourselves permission to eat the cake, paint the picture, explore unchartered territory within ourSelves. It's about having the curiosity to explore those hidden depths of our own psyche like a lover. It's about feeling all the love and compassion of our Higher Selves, knowing all was purposeful and for our benefit. It's about giving ourSelves permission to fully love the entirety of our own Selves with the wild, ecstatic abandon of the Divine that resides within us. 

I realized my love for this exploration of seemingly dark and abandoned places has translated so beautifully into my life’s work, mission, and passion. Through reclaiming and renovating my own Soul, by acknowledging, loving and embracing all the parts I felt were unlovable, undesirable, and unwanted within mySelf,  I can now love and honor them in others. Where there was judgment, I now find acceptance.

I've come to the realization that what I find lurking in the shadows of another has become the most beautiful to me. It is their darkness I long to embrace, the perfection in their seeming imperfection that holds my intrigue. Perhaps it's because they hide it from most and I feel honored and trusted when they allow that aspect of themselves out in my presence. Maybe it's because it's the most intimate and vulnerable place within us and as such feels so fragile and everything in me wants to provide a soft landing for its exploration. 

I believe the work of self-discovery into our own depths is the greatest journey we'll ever take. To excavate what we've demonized or abandoned, to find what we've suppressed, repressed, denied and projected in all the various ways and then to lovingly bring it to the surface and into the Light is an act of tremendous courage and bravery. There is nothing more exciting or intriguing to me than the reclamation of seemingly lost Souls (to themselves, only) and their restoration to wholeness. It's always a beautiful thing when our wounds turn into wisdom to heal and bless others. 

So…how do you approach shadow work? Have you taken that deep dive? Do you plunge in head first, with intrigue and excitement like me, or are you the more cautious, trepidatious type? Maybe you’re afraid of what you may find in that abandoned building—a bum, robber, rapist or monster? Maybe it feels like an old lean-to— dangerous, dilapidated, and unsafe in there? Perhaps you read the 'do not enter sign' and you believe someone else knows better than you and you should definitely take heed of the rules. Maybe you fear the consequences of disobedience? Or perhaps you've cast an invisible cloak around your shadow a long time ago and don't even think yours exists. Just notice, what's your typical jam when it comes to this kind of Soul work. 

And if you don't know where to start and you happen to deserve a guide, I may just be your girl!  Blessings beautiful, shadow explorers. May the Light of your own Soul guide you on your path to freedom and Self-love. 

8 Tips to Forever Young

Some Words of Wisdom Approaching My 52nd Birthday...

Something interesting happens inside of mySelf every year 2-3 weeks before my birthday. I get super excited with anticipation, like a kid awaiting Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. I start feeling even more energetic, more beautiful, and more bad-ass. Truly though. It’s like I don the Wonder-Woman cape and sassy pants and cannot be stifled, hushed or dimmed. In true Aries fashion, let’s just say, I get a lil full of my cute-lil-Self. I start taking more selfies, being flirty, wearing cute clothes and let’s not forget that very confident attitude—oh wait, I do that shit all year. Anyway you get the idea. 

Call me crazy, but I have always been happy and excited to get another year on this planet under my belt! I signed up for the evolutionary fast-track in this life so there never seems to be a year without epic challenges or events. This past year I spent a good bit of my time in Solitude mostly snowed in for the 10 months that I was there. Then I left indefinitely to do humanitarian work by myself on the other side of the world in Romania, was planning to stop in India, do a lil yoga and sight-seeing, then off to Nepal for more humanitarian work with no return date. While in Romania, I got several messages (inner-voice/higher-Self/aka God) to return home, work on my book and do what only I can do. My stubborn Soul refused to listen and went off to India where I contracted Dengue Fever by a freaking lil mosquito (a.k.a. the gods) and was literally dying and HAD to return home! It has seriously taken me a good 6 months to fully recover. Anyway, enough of all that drama, it’s a new year approaching for me and I’m excited. 

I’ll be fifty-two!! Yuh, you read that right. What woman is excited to be 52?? I AM!! For some reason, I always feel like my life is just beginning. While most people tend to see their lives as starting to walk down the mountain at this fifty-year midpoint, I feel like I’m just about to hit the peak and stay there for the next 2-3 decades before I start that decent—if I ever do. 

So what are some of my secrets to looking and feeling at least 10-20 years younger? Wouldn’t you like to know. I freely share, you can start now and it will help. However, the things I’m going to share, I’ve been doing for DECADES…so I got a good jump on most of you…just sayin. It’s never to late to grow young!! 

Here they are in no particular order:

1. Drink lots of water!!  Drink good water. Drink the best water you can afford. (I like Water & Wellness PH balanced water about $10 per 5 gallon.) Drink more water than you drink any other beverage. And never drink fucking soda pop!! WTF don’t you know that shit is POISON?!?!?! Have never had more than a splash here and there for my ENTIRE life!!

2. Eat good, clean, healthy and organic food!!! Eat lots of veggies and some fruit!!! Avoid bread, flour, sugar,    pork and artificial everything. Eat grass-fed, organic meat, if you eat meat. Do your research and never stop trying to figure out what makes your body happy. 

3. Meditate & do some fucking yoga already…yes, it is for EVERYONE!! “Gee, I wish I hadn’t meditated or done yoga today!”, SAID NOBODY EVER!! I’m not even going to comment more. Do your own damn research. There are more benefits than all the fucking pills you pop for every bullshit disorder you have that you wouldn’t even have if you did these two things semi-regularly!! For fuck’s sake!! 

4. Take in some nature! Don’t miss the show happening all around you no matter where you live!! Nature is happening and it can teach you a lot about life and about yourself if you have eyes to see and ears to hear. Nature heals whatever ails you from a broken heart to life-threatening diseases. 

5. FORGIVE already. Stop carrying your stupid grudges. Nobody cares about your victim story because we are never victims!! Life is showing up for you, only ALWAYS. Your Soul is a request for whatever comes your way. Get over yourself. Forgive your shitty parents, they were doing their best. Forgive your ex—you were no gem either! And guess what?!? It’s all in the PAST!!! Even if it happened yesterday. It doesn’t even exist anymore. YOU are the only one carrying ‘it’ around. It’s time you let ‘it’ go before ‘it’ kills you because I can tell you, it is having a deep effect on you and has already shortened your life. 

6. Accept & Allow all that comes your way. Say yes to life. Say yes to whatever makes your heart smile. Allow yourself to love whatever it is that you love, (as long as it’s not creepy). Just be okay with whatever happens in your life, make the best of it and move the fuck on. Don’t get stuck. Don’t get stuck in the pain, your story, the heartache, the bull-shit, the success, the money or lack thereof, but feel it all. Keep moving with grace and gratitude. All is as it should be. Trust in that. 

7. Create your own spiritual practice with something you feel truly connected to and that resonates deep within you. Feel free to explore different traditions, religions, and cultures. Nothing is taboo. Just because you love Jesus, doesn’t mean you can’t love and learn something from Buddha, too. Jesus won’t be mad, I promise! And for the sake of hell, don’t be a Mormon, Catholic, or whatever just because your freaking parents are!! That is NOT a good enough reason!! If it doesn’t resonate with you, have the balls to do something different!! You will not go to hell for having your own thoughts and opinions, but you will live hell on Earth when you adopt everyone else’s thoughts, opinions and beliefs that do nothing for your own heart. 

Doing the opposite of all the above will make you old, send you to your grave early and make you unattractive!

And finally #8  Drum-roll, please!!!!

8. Life is fucking magical!! Never forget that! The Universe exists to surprise you. It is always beckoning you with every ray of sparkling sunshine to come into the Light and play!! With every bloom of Spring, it shares it’s vitality. When you are open, self-aware, brave and courageous, this beautiful planet will show you ‘six impossible things before breakfast’!! #ForThoseWhoHaveEyesToSeeAndEarsToHear #ThroughTheLookingGlass

Life is too short to feel old!! You know the old adage, ‘you are only as young as you feel’? Spoiler Alert: You choose your feelings! Take your cues from nature and Spring forth into life, stop refusing your own flowering and start fucking blooming some shit! Stop being stingy with your gifts, another reason you feel old—all that talent bottled up inside. Share and shine, peeps. It’s a new day. 

And in the words of Bob Dylan, “May your heart always be joyful

May your song always be sung

And may you stay

Forever young.”

  Much love and vitality on your journey, friends <3 3="" font="">

The Father I Never Had

My dad died last night. I never knew him very well. I saw him maybe a couple of handfuls of times in my life. I heard he had brain cancer just two weeks ago. Then yesterday that he was in a coma expecting to die, as I was returning home from a trip to Hawaii. I had a moment on the plane,—hoodie up, tears running down my cheeks, looking out the window, as to to hide them from the friend I was flying with.

I began the drive home, up my mountain in blizzard conditions only to turn onto my dirt road in treacherous conditions. At least 6 feet of snow had fallen since I left and things just looked different. I pulled into a drive-way I thought was mine, and after doing the 6 point turn to get into it, realized it was not my house. The safest thing for me to do was to back-up all the way to my house. When I arrived, seeing snow half way up my front door and 100 yards down to get to it, I just started laughing and laughing. I had an overweight 52 lb suitcase, heavy carry-on and 6 bags of groceries to get into the house. And lil me, all by myself. 

I laughed again at the absence of the masculine in my life. My father, never having fathered me, on his way out, and 4 months earlier a man I had moved half way across the country for, expecting to build a life with, having utterly dismissed me after a month with no real reason.  And about three months earlier, ending even a friendship with a long-time lover and friend. Not to mention, leaving my son to live with his dad when I moved. Major losses of the masculine presence for me. 

And there I was, in the middle of a blizzard, looking at my snow-engulfed house, just me, myself and I—oh, and the big snow, wind and darkness. I smiled. Proud of myself for even making it home, in a blizzard, backwards…getting stuck once and getting myself unstuck without even getting out of my Subaru. I thanked Archangels Michael, Gabriel and Raphael for the safe passage I had requested. And my lil heart expanded again in that moment. Feeling my utter physical aloneness, feeling my own courage and with an inner-depth of knowing that I am never really alone. That the unseen is as present with me as the seen, that my trees and mountain, which I’d already greeted hello, were as aware of me, as I was of them. My lil girl heart believes that they were also just as happy to see me again as I was to see them. 

I donned my metaphoric wonder-woman cape (sounds better than big-girl-pants), got my two smaller bags out of the car and maneuvered my way down the driveway to my front door. The snow was literally mid thigh and much higher in other places. I laughed the whole way down in disbelief at the sheer amount of the white stuff. I dare say, even growing up in Maine, I have never seen this much snow in my entire life. I devised a plan on the way down, (as we woman must do, without the proverbial man in close proximity)…and the laughter continued. I’m kind of a little person, and I’m not that physically strong, so short of taking all of my over-packed crap out of my suit-case in 10 trips, (which did not in the slightest appeal to me), that suitcase was not going to make it in. Then I saw the sled…and laughed some more. 

You HAVE to know, attitude is everything. I just accept and often laugh at it all. Not withstanding the broken-heart, btw. I just simply TRUST, that whatever is happening, is for my highest good. Then I SURRENDER to the moment and ACCEPT it just the way it is, with no complaints. A simple, “So this is what is happening now…” often goes through my head. And I say, “Ok, now what?” And wait for the answers to come as they always do. I also ALLOW my feelings  to be felt about whatever the situation has brought up without shaming, judging or criticizing mySelf. Sometimes it’s feeling alone, sad, broken-hearted, angry, or frustrated. I OBSERVE what my lil human-self is experiencing. I am also con-currently aware of the real truth of my Soul which is my big joy, gratitude, humility, and reverence for this sacred human experience. That's the feeling that has been so over-riding within me for some time now. It’s the BEST!!  Seriously. I am always just laughing at my life. Often when most would be crying and/or pissed. 

But I digress…I was going to write about the weird feelings that my virtually unknown, absentee father’s death has spawned within me. I think i was feeling a re-triggering of his abandonment from my childhood. I think the most painful part for me is that I felt so sad that he did not want to know me. His own biological creation. Why doesn’t he want to know about my good grades? Why doesn’t he want to know that I’m running half the clubs in school and president of my youth group? Why doesn’t he want to know why I’m majoring in Theology at Boston College? Why doesn’t he want to know that I’m married, have kids, divorced, married and had another kid? Why doesn’t he want to know if I'm ok…if I have what I need, if I have food and a roof over my head? Why doesn’t he want to know how awesome I turned out in spite of his absence? 

I may never have the answers to those questions. It is what it is and what it was. And…I’m here now. I may always feel that abandonment, that lack of interest, that feeling of something being missing in my life. And…I’m ok. And…I wouldn’t change a thing. I am who I am today because of his absence. It made me strong. It made me independent. It made me self-reliant. It made me seek outside of mySelf and then back in, to the only love I will ever truly need. My own. So my resourceful, “I can do it, mySelf.” attitude hiked that little purple sled up to my car and put my very large, red suitcase on its side on top of it as I laughed all the way down to my front door. 

I got a message that my dad had died at 2am, just a few hours after I’d arrived home safely. I like to think he’ll be one of my angels now and that what ever prevented him from being with me in this life, will no longer be an issue for him from the other side. I love you, Dad. Forever grateful for all that you were and all that you weren’t to me, for both have forged my Soul.