Sunday, July 21, 2013

What is an Enlightened Relationship?

Many people on our planet are awakening to a new form of romantic relationship. Old notions of “’Til Death Do Us Part”, “For Time and All Eternity”, “And They Lived Happily Ever After” are falling away as evidence by the high divorce rate and failed relationships. The need to own your partner, control or manipulate them, feel victimized by your own unhappiness (and blame it on your partner) no longer serve us.  Relationships deserve an over-haul—better yet, a full-blown transformation.  May I suggest something new—The Enlightened Relationship. Not for the faint of heart. You have to do your own deep personal work to play in this arena. 

To be in an Enlightened Relationship there are a few requirements: 
  1. It takes two conscious beings who are willing to be 100% accountable for themSelves and the relationshipnot just 50% accountable and blaming their partner for the other fifty. David Hawkins wrote in Power vs. Force, “By taking the responsibility for the consequences of his own perceptions, the observer can transcend the role of victim to an understanding that ‘nothing out there has power over you.’ It isn’t life’s events, but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them, that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one’s life, whether they’re experienced as opportunity or as stress.” 
  2. You have to know yourSelf, so you can own your voice and speak your truth about whatever comes up for you in honesty and authenticity. 
  3. You have to let go of your attachment to being right as well as your expectations as to how the relationship should look and be ok with accepting what is. 
Just those three alone are enough to exclude most of the population.  How often do you find people that are able to OWN 100% of the issues in their relationships without playing the victim card? How many people do you know actually speak up when they feel hurt, slighted, upset, angry, disappointed? And not to gossip about it and point the finger at their so-called accuser, but to address that particular person without blaming?  And who do you know that has no attachment to being right? Hmmm...small crowd, eh?

So—it’s RARE. And I will tell you, it will be much easier if you are being that person to find that person.  If you are still blaming your parents or your ex for anything in your life, if you don’t value yourSelf enough to speak up for yourSelf, and if you can’t just go with the flow wether you are right or wrong, forget about it. 

However, if you’ve gotten a good grip on those 3 things above, there’s hope for on.
So If I am in a truly enlightened relationship then I will love my partner(s) unconditionally.  I will want for them that which they desire for themselves. I will also hold my own needs and desires equal to that of my partner and not compromise my own truth. 

In an enlightened relationship, I have no need for a commitment or any promise of tomorrow . I understand that security is an illusion and that the need for commitment or monogamy is fear based and does in no way ensure security only gives one a false sense of it. I have no need to tie someone to a future that doesn’t exists so I can allay any fears of them leaving me for someone else. If that happens, I will realize the relationship was no longer serving us, and embrace it with grace, harmony and no hard feelings. Only gratitude for the love that was exchanged and lessons learned will be present. Enlightened relationships shift and transform, they don’t end. They also transition with the same grace and ease that they began...not with the usual drama, anger and resentment common in the old paradigm.  

In this enlightened space, I am able to be completely present and trust that all will unfold perfectly. I trust that the right people will show up at perfectly the right time for me to experience and learn what is next on my Soul’s journey.
I have no expectations in this relationship, nor do I expect my partner to make me happy and/or fulfill all of my needs.  I create happiness for mySelf from within.  The minute I give my power to someone or something outside of mySelf is where all the disappointment and suffering begins. If I think that my partner holds the keys to my happiness, we are both fucked (and I don’t mean in a good way!)  When he doesn’t do what I expect, I am a victim/whiney-bitch and he becomes an asshole. Yuck!! Unfortunately, that old school of thought is still rampant. There are still people that think someone else is responsible for their happiness.  I pity the hair-dressers that have to listen to the stories all day! That’s probably why one of the first things I teach my clients is accountability—it  eliminates all the story and empowers them.   

I will not create an enlightened relationship if I am still identifying with my position, possessions and relationships.  All of those things i.e. job titles, homes, cars and even relationships are transient and impermanent.  If I rely on those things to “make me” happy or to glean my identity from, I will fall apart when one or any of those things leave or disappear.  When I come from the space of self-referral as opposed to object-referral, I know that if all those things and people go away, I am still mySelf—I have the same intrinsic value. 

Enlightened relationships emphasize an abundance mentality not fear and lack. I realize that if my partner loves another it doesn’t mean that he loves me any less.  I am not diminished in any way because he has others that he cares about, nor do I feel less for him because I love another.  Monogamy is a conscious choice that is neither inherently “right” nor “wrong”.  If I choose it, it does not mean that my partner has to make the same choice. It’s about freedom above all else. I don’t manipulate, force, co-erce or guilt my partner into making a choice that is not his truth. I do, however, have open and honest lines of communication with no expectation of particular behaviors. I don’t ask for promises or desire is for us to be completely present with each other.  Promises and commitments exist in a fantasy-made-up-future. 

And even if I were given one, I would never hold anybody to it, not that I have that power anyway.  If someone that I was with decided that they would rather be elsewhere, then that’s what I would want for them, too.  Why would I want to deny them the desire of their heart? Why would I want anyone to be with me if they would rather be somewhere else??  That’s just repulsive to me and wreaks of victim-mentality, guilt and manipulation. If I truly love another, I want nothing but my beloved’s desires for himSelf. That doesn’t mean that I don’t experience any sadness or loss.  It just means that I embrace whatever is for the beauty and lesson it provides me at the same time.  

In this relationship I realize that I am responsible for mySelf.  I create my own reality. If I have any obligation, it is simply to be open and honest. I am not responsible for my partner's emotions or reactions to my honest communication.   I understand that I can’t hurt or be hurt by another unless I allow it and choose to be and then I am the only one accountable for my response/reaction. I am never a victim.  This piece alone would create such harmony in relationships. Imagine no pointing fingers and no blame. Moment of silence please. Exhale. Yes, that would be nice. 
Because I love mySelf, I am content being alone.  I already feel whole and complete—I don’t need my partner for that. The time I spend alone is as valuable to me as the time spent with the other.  I’m not dependent on my partner’s physical presence to feel connected.  Because of the relationship and connection we have recognized and consciously created, we *feel* each other through time and space and sometimes lifetimes. We realize that separation is an illusion—that time and/or distance apart has no bearing on our connection to each other. 

Under this system, I love who you are and I have no need to attempt to change you.  If we no longer resonate, we simply and joyfully go our separate ways. I have no need to try to control you or own you.  I trust that everything that happens is for my highest good (and just more fodder for future books lol) I respect and honor that you are a sovereign being as I am. You and I are both FREE to stay or go...there is no binding contract hand-cuffing us together for better or for worse.  All that keeps us together is pure love, interest, passion, peace, harmony.  This enlightened relationship eliminates manipulation, coercion, control, duty and victimhood.  All feel respected and empowered to make choices in their highest and best interest trusting the other to do the same. It’s a new frontier—a kinder, gentler more conscious approach to love, relationship and connection. 
I invite you to go deep and do the personal work necessary to create amazing, conscious, enlightened relationships.  A few things to remember:  1. You must be that which you seek. 2. The most important enlightened relationship you can have is with yourSelf. 3. It’s ALL worth it. 4. It's a work in progress.  I see it as an ever evolving journey, not a destination.  We are still human and we still may have 'stuff' come up—It's how we handle it that's different. 

I believe Kahlil Gibran sums my thoughts up  much more eloquently below:
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

***My views on this a couple of years later continue to evolve, as do my desires and preferences.  Where as before, I was so bent on my freedom because it seemed to always be taken from me, having healed that, I do desire a committed, monogamous relationship with my beloved and find even more freedom inside of that.  It's all about your personal preferences, your ability to remain authentic to you and to communicate that ever evolving truth as your relationships progress.