A Self-Possesed Woman-How to Be One, Have One and Keep One Around. Listen Up Men.

Any self-possessed woman is going to have spent a good amount of time alone in her life, for that is how she becomes,”self-possessed”. And what exactly does the term, ’Self-possessed (woman)’ mean? It means that she belongs to no man, no religion, no dogma, no geographical location nor a political party. It means that she has spent quality time in her life getting to know and understand herSelf. She knows who she is. She knows who she is because she has lived consciously. At some point, she has recapitulated the times in her life that she may have lived unconsciously, and understands that now, and is unwilling to do so again— at any cost.  She has lived and experienced life in a variety of forms, and she knows what works for her and what doesn’t. She knows where she has compromised and she knows the damage that compromise has had on her very Soul. 

A Self-possessed woman cannot be owned, possessed or treated like an acquisition. She can smell, hear, see and sense that coming from literally miles away. Why? Because she has done that before. She has been bought and sold, compromised her truth and dreams for a younger girls fantasies and fears. Most self-possessed women take several decades to ‘grow’. But once she’s clear, she is a force. She can hold her own. She is S-O-L-I-D. She is solid in her beliefs and she knows what she values. She is no longer enticed with promises or dangling carrots of security, comfort, and luxury. She knows how to make her way in the world and that her freedom is the most coveted thing that she can possess….high above fancy homes and BMW’s.

This woman has unshakable confidence, and because of it, can be quite intimidating and unnerving to most men. It is not the kind of cocky confidence she may have had in her 20’s based on her body, appearance or pedigree. This confidence comes from deep within. It has roots like a tall and beautiful oak tree. It is a self-assuredness that no longer needs to size up the competition or look around and see how she ‘measures up’. She has no concern for such foibles of youth. It matters not to her what other women are doing or how they are living and behaving. She is clear about herSelf, what she values and what her requirements in life are.

In order to have one of these rare women in your midst, you must also be a rare and self-possessed man. Know that this woman does not want to own you, limit your freedom nor does she want to restrict or constrict your life in any way. She does not want to be the ‘boss of you’ that was your mother's role, and/or your ex’s. She desires your unwavering devotion. She doesn’t want to ‘run the show’ or ‘tell you what to do’. She desires a man that respects her intellect, trusts her intuition and seeks her counsel. She does not expect you to follow it blindly, but to weigh her thoughts, ideas, and opinions along with your own and then for you to make wise and authentic choices. If you always do what she says, or change your opinion too easily to match hers, she will not be able to trust or rely on your strength and knowledge. 

If this woman has chosen to be in your space, it’s because she deems you a worthy companion and life partner. An equal. This woman realizes that there will be some areas where you know more than she does, she counts on you for that. She also trusts that when you are in doubt, you will consult her. She doesn’t want (or need) the final say. You will know when it’s right to give it to her, but not from a space of insecurity. 

A self-possessed woman also comes with strength of character. She has probably made choices in the past that she would not make again. These past choices most likely came from a place of fear, lack of power, insecurity, and rebellion. Being self-possessed, she has now acquired these things (confidence, internal power, security) and has no need to make rash or impulsive choices. She weighs the consequences of her actions and as a result is trustworthy. She employs both head and heart when making important decisions and weighs the consequences of her actions on all involved. She does not need to be babysat. She does not need to be told what she should do. If she wants your opinion/advice/counsel she is not above asking you and will not have a problem doing so.

This woman requires freedom and space. She is an autonomous creature. Try to pin her down, define her or your relationship with her too quickly, and she will be on her way out before you do it again. Don’t try to consume her time, plan into a far-distant future or get pouty when she says she needs some alone time. Understand, it’s not about you and it most likely never will be. You own you…and let her own her. She will find you much more attractive that way and may just want to be around you more often—which was your goal in the first place. Tell her you're interested and back the fuck up. 

~just some ramblings from a self-possessed woman on a summer night that wanted to come out into the light now that the coast is clear ;)

Are We Accountable for Our Energy, Too??

How do you feel about being responsible for how your energy lands with another person?  What do I mean by that?  I mean, how your words, actions, tone, or energy are perceived on the other end of your action, or lack of action.  Do you think it matters?  Do you think you are responsible, or is it the fault of the interpreter?  What if they interpreted you accurately? They sensed your anger or rage and felt it, do you have any accountability for what then unfolds?

Here’s a personal example of what I mean.  I was involved in a very volatile relationship over 9 years ago.  At the time, myself and numerous others would have labeled my then boyfriend ‘verbally abusive’.  He was a yeller alright, especially when he’d been drinking and smoking.  I’m not much of a crier, nor have I ever considered myself a doormat and I don’t scare easily, however, I was often brought to tears and found myself in the fetal position concerned for my safety, a time or two.   It was very easy for me to play the victim and even lie to myself that I was innocent.  After all, I certainly didn’t yell at him like that.  I didn’t drink and smoke and get ‘out-of-control’. I was half his size— he certainly wasn’t afraid of me!  I was an innocent victim…or was I??

At the time, I didn’t know a lot about energy.  I felt if I said fairly nice words, even if I was pissed inside, my ‘nice words’ were all that counted.  If someone interpreted that I was angry, I could deny it all day long because, all I said was, “x, y, z”…nothing aggressive in that.  Benign words.  Towards the end of this relationship, I mostly felt like I hated this person.  I would talk poorly about him behind his back, get sympathy from others.  I would have a smile on my face in his presence, whilst having an energetic knife behind my back, ready to stab him (energetically) at any and every given moment.  I would think evil thoughts like, ‘hope your plane crashes’, when he went out of town.  Don’t tell me you have never had that thought about anybody??  Ok, it’s only me :(

This person was highly empathic and sensitive to energy.  He absolutely felt my hater vibe, be it conscious or likely sub-conscious.  My behavior didn’t have to be out-of-control, yelling and screaming, or anything.  Since I rarely made the kind of outbursts he did, it was easy to point the finger at him, and on paper, if we were in a court of law, I would be vindicated and he would be charged.  However, that would not be an accountable story, knowing what I know and feel about energy now.  

My hater-energy, absolutely contributed to his emotional outbursts.  He is a sensitive soul and he could feel it.  It absolutely caused him to react.  For me to claim otherwise, would be an outright lack of accountability.  I’m sure I was also passive-aggressive and raised my voice at times as well.  However, the energy is what I refused to see.  I played the victim role well and got plenty of agreement from everyone around me. I could not see at that time, that my energy was making a huge contribution to his negative behavior.   

I recently met with the wife of one of my addiction clients.  She said she came home to her husband to find him passed out with a can (for huffing) still in his hands.  Her initial report, was that she gently took the can out of his hands, gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to the other room.  She reports she didn’t say anything or get pissed like she has in the passed.  After talking further with her, it was clear that she was in a rage about it and was so disappointed in her husband.  He too, was consequently upset with her, interpreted her kiss as ‘sniffing him for evidence’ and was super annoyed and frustrated.  

We worked on a more accountable version.  She was pissed as fuck, and bit her tongue and couldn’t stop thinking about it.  In turn, it caused her to treat her husband poorly, which had him feel judged and he remained in his resentment for her, though she hadn’t ‘done’ anything.  However, her energy was felt, and her self-proclaimed  ‘kind actions’ were not met with gratitude, because her energy spoke the real truth of the negativity that she felt and was projecting.  

I had another client that used to get so pissed that his kids would leave out the cereal boxes in the morning and all of their bowls.  The kids knew this annoyed him and that he was always nagging about it.  He started to bite his tongue, the mess continued.  After some work, he finally let go of his attachment to the kitchen needing to be clean.  His energy shifted.  He decided that if it really bothered him, he’d clean it up with no energy or make-wrong vibe towards the kids.  Before he knew it, the kids were picking up their dishes and putting the cereal away because there was no more judgmental energy around it.  

Some more examples of people being unaccountable for our energy would be this: 

You are having a discussion with a small group of 3-4 people, someone barges into the conversation, interrupting with their own agenda, cutting the others off.  

You are at a meeting when a co-worker arrives late.  They are completely disheveled, and immediately bursts out their story of why they weren’t there earlier, completely hi-jacking the meeting.

Somebody saying something super hurtful, with no concern as to how it will land with  or affect the listener.  

A parent comes home from work, he’s had a horrible day.  Everybody knows it, without him saying a word.  He slams the door, kicks the dog, starts yelling about toys on the floor or chores not being done, immediately upon walking in.  Everybody runs for the hills. 

Scientology has an interesting concept that is quite similar to this.  They say, “don’t have a conversation with someone that is not capable of hearing it.”  For example, say you had an affair 15 years ago, and you know if you share that information, it will be devastating to your partner.  The only reason you want to share is to ease your guilty conscious and get it off your chest.  Scientology would say not to share in that case. I would call that simply being accountable for how you’re communication is going to land with people.  This means to put yourself in the others shoes, and think about how they are going to feel about what you have to say.  Is there a better way to communicate it so your message can be heard?  Is it really necessary?

Maybe you are really smart, and you know some cool things that others could benefit from.  How accountable are you about caring if those on the other end are comprehending you?  Are you more caught up in your superiority, industry-jargon, and your own ego, to adjust for someone else?  Do you just feel, if they don’t get it, that’s their problem?  Is it ever yours?  How responsible do you feel to communicate in such a way that the other understands?  Especially in your intimate relationships?  Is that important to you?  Do you genuinely desire and make an effort to speak the other’s language?  Do you care if you are misunderstood? Are you ever told that you have mis-interpreted someones intentions or words? Do you ask for clarification when you aren’t clear?  

I’m not saying we get to be the care-taker of everyone’s feelings and misinterpretations of us.  I’m not saying it’s your fault if someone feels a certain way after you speak (or roar). I’m not saying you have to tip-toe around everyone and curb yourself at every turn.  No. I’m saying, life just runs better when you actually care; when you choose to be kind.

  

Before any words cross your lips, my mentor(s) at the Chopra Center, David Simon and Davidji, said we deserve to ask ourselves 3 Questions: Is it true?  Is it necessary? and Is it kind?  Some Buddhist teachings say before you speak, you should ask: Is it factual?  Is it true?  Is it beneficial? Is it agreeable?  Is it endearing? And is it timely?  If it isn’t all of those things, apparently, you should save it.  

These are a couple of different, yet similar concepts I am attempting to combine and share:  When you have shitty energy, are you accountable for it?  Do you ‘bite your tongue’, not say something or say a lie to keep the peace? All the while, your energy is screaming the opposite of peace, and you lie to yourself that you’ve done nothing wrong.   Do you consider not just your energy, but your communication and how that lands with others?  

It’s just about bringing some awareness around being accountable not only for our actions, but for our words, and our energy and asking ourselves the question, do we care how our words, actions and energy lands with others? Can we look outside of ourselves and into the heart of the other(s)? Can we love ourSelves enough to inject a little grace into our conversations? Can we have compassion and seek to understand? Or will we continue to speak as if we are the only ones listening? Are we more loving in the way we speak to our pets, than our loved ones? Just a few questions, I have.

It is my supposition that by being more conscious about your communication and how it lands, and the delivery of your energy, wether it is attached to action or no action, you will receive better results in your life.  You will be able to have more authentic interactions, a greater understanding/Self-awareness of yourself and compassion for others.  You will become more thoughtful, considerate and kind.  People, pets and babies will want to be around you…..you will win friends, influence people and start a revolution.  Before you speak ask yourSelf, Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?  Ask of your energy: Is my energy positive and uplifting? Is my energy intimidating and threatening? Is my energy dramatic and out-of-control? Is my energy inviting or repelling others?  

Just because you had a bad day at the office, does not mean you deserve to bring that shitty-energy into your home to share with the wife and kids.  An accountable person, would deal with that energy through meditation, simple releasing and letting go techniques and enter his home with inviting, warm energy.  

Just because you are pissed that your favorite team lost the playoffs, does not give you the right to kick the dog or yell at the kids.  

Just because you were cut off in traffic, does not mean you have to honk your horn, give your middle finger, and ride somebody’s tail.  

You are not at the whim of your every thought and feeling…you are not your feelings, you are not your thoughts. You are the observer, the silent witness.  Let go.  You CAN be kind under ANY circumstance.  Kindness is a always a choice.  Be the change.  Breathe the change.  Live the change.  “We are all connected.  Be kind.” slogan of ulovemeloveu on FB.

Try it on for a week.  Ask yourSelf the 3 questions before you speak.  Practice inserting kindness in all of your interactions.  Monitor your energy.  Check in before you enter into a group of people or just one other.  Are you able to be present?  If you have some major chaos or turbulence happening on the inside, maybe you share with whomever you’re with so they aren’t wondering if they may have offended you in any way.  Maybe when you get home you say, Mommy’s had a rough day today, I’m going to go take a bubble bath and meditate, I’ll be out in an hour in a better mood :) That’s accountable.  Barking at the kids and saying you’re pissed at them because their chores aren’t done, is un-accountable.  

I get this is just another layer of accountability, that most people will not want to take on.  It’s burden enough for most to simply be accountable for their actions!  I get it, and, like I said, what’s in it for you?  Peace of mind.  Feeling good about yourSelf.  People will want to be around you when you check your grumpy-ass energy at the door.  You will become a much more conscious creator of your world, circumstances and events.  And if that isn’t enticing enough, I hear there are still some empty caves in the Himalayas.  Shine on, shine on, beautiful Peeps!!  We are all just walking each other home.  

Great video from my mentor, Davidji below:

https://youtu.be/ojEybvwYYDg

What is an Enlightened Relationship?

Many people on our planet are awakening to a new form of romantic relationship. Old notions of “’Til Death Do Us Part”, “For Time and All Eternity”, “And They Lived Happily Ever After” are falling away as evidence by the high divorce rate and failed relationships. The need to own your partner, control or manipulate them, feel victimized by your own unhappiness (and blame it on your partner) no longer serve us.  Relationships deserve an over-haul—better yet, a full-blown transformation.  May I suggest something new—The Enlightened Relationship. Not for the faint of heart. You have to do your own deep personal work to play in this arena. 

To be in an Enlightened Relationship there are a few requirements: 

1. It takes two conscious beings who are willing to be 100% accountable for themSelves and the relationship—not just 50% accountable and blaming their partner for the other fifty. David Hawkins wrote in Power vs. Force, “By taking the responsibility for the consequences of his own perceptions, the observer can transcend the role of victim to an understanding that ‘nothing out there has power over you.’ It isn’t life’s events, but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them, that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one’s life, whether they’re experienced as opportunity or as stress.” 
2. You have to know yourSelf, so you can own your voice and speak your truth about whatever comes up for you in honesty and authenticity. 
3. You have to let go of your attachment to being right as well as your expectations as to how the relationship should look and be ok with accepting what is. 

Just those three alone are enough to exclude most of the population.  How often do you find people that are able to OWN 100% of the issues in their relationships without playing the victim card? How many people do you know actually speak up when they feel hurt, slighted, upset, angry, disappointed? And not to gossip about it and point the finger at their so-called accuser, but to address that particular person without blaming?  And who do you know that has no attachment to being right? Hmmm...small crowd, eh?

So—it’s RARE. And I will tell you, it will be much easier if you are being that person to find that person.  If you are still blaming your parents or your ex for anything in your life, if you don’t value yourSelf enough to speak up for yourSelf, and if you can’t just go with the flow wether you are right or wrong, forget about it. 

However, if you’ve gotten a good grip on those 3 things above, there’s hope for you...read on.

So If I am in a truly enlightened relationship then I will love my partner(s) unconditionally.  I will want for them that which they desire for themselves. I will also hold my own needs and desires equal to that of my partner and not compromise my own truth. 

In an enlightened relationship, I have no need for a commitment or any promise of tomorrow . I understand that security is an illusion and that the need for commitment or monogamy is fear based and does in no way ensure security only gives one a false sense of it. I have no need to tie someone to a future that doesn’t exists so I can allay any fears of them leaving me for someone else. If that happens, I will realize the relationship was no longer serving us, and embrace it with grace, harmony and no hard feelings. Only gratitude for the love that was exchanged and lessons learned will be present. Enlightened relationships shift and transform, they don’t end. They also transition with the same grace and ease that they began...not with the usual drama, anger and resentment common in the old paradigm.  

In this enlightened space, I am able to be completely present and trust that all will unfold perfectly. I trust that the right people will show up at perfectly the right time for me to experience and learn what is next on my Soul’s journey.

I have no expectations in this relationship, nor do I expect my partner to make me happy and/or fulfill all of my needs.  I create happiness for mySelf from within.  The minute I give my power to someone or something outside of mySelf is where all the disappointment and suffering begins. If I think that my partner holds the keys to my happiness, we are both fucked (and I don’t mean in a good way!)  When he doesn’t do what I expect, I am a victim/whiney-bitch and he becomes an asshole. Yuck!! Unfortunately, that old school of thought is still rampant. There are still people that think someone else is responsible for their happiness.  I pity the hair-dressers that have to listen to the stories all day! That’s probably why one of the first things I teach my clients is accountability—it  eliminates all the story and empowers them.   

I will not create an enlightened relationship if I am still identifying with my position, possessions and relationships.  All of those things i.e. job titles, homes, cars and even relationships are transient and impermanent.  If I rely on those things to “make me” happy or to glean my identity from, I will fall apart when one or any of those things leave or disappear.  When I come from the space of self-referral as opposed to object-referral, I know that if all those things and people go away, I am still mySelf—I have the same intrinsic value. 

Enlightened relationships emphasize an abundance mentality not fear and lack. I realize that if my partner loves another it doesn’t mean that he loves me any less.  I am not diminished in any way because he has others that he cares about, nor do I feel less for him because I love another.  Monogamy is a conscious choice that is neither inherently “right” nor “wrong”.  If I choose it, it does not mean that my partner has to make the same choice. It’s about freedom above all else. I don’t manipulate, force, co-erce or guilt my partner into making a choice that is not his truth. I do, however, have open and honest lines of communication with no expectation of particular behaviors. I don’t ask for promises or commitments...my desire is for us to be completely present with each other.  Promises and commitments exist in a fantasy-made-up-future. 

And even if I were given one, I would never hold anybody to it, not that I have that power anyway.  If someone that I was with decided that they would rather be elsewhere, then that’s what I would want for them, too.  Why would I want to deny them the desire of their heart? Why would I want anyone to be with me if they would rather be somewhere else??  That’s just repulsive to me and wreaks of victim-mentality, guilt and manipulation. If I truly love another, I want nothing but my beloved’s desires for himSelf. That doesn’t mean that I don’t experience any sadness or loss.  It just means that I embrace whatever is for the beauty and lesson it provides me at the same time.  

In this relationship I realize that I am responsible for mySelf.  I create my own reality. If I have any obligation, it is simply to be open and honest. I am not responsible for my partner's emotions or reactions to my honest communication.   I understand that I can’t hurt or be hurt by another unless I allow it and choose to be and then I am the only one accountable for my response/reaction. I am never a victim.  This piece alone would create such harmony in relationships. Imagine no pointing fingers and no blame. Moment of silence please. Exhale. Yes, that would be nice. 

Because I love mySelf, I am content being alone.  I already feel whole and complete—I don’t need my partner for that. The time I spend alone is as valuable to me as the time spent with the other.  I’m not dependent on my partner’s physical presence to feel connected.  Because of the relationship and connection we have recognized and consciously created, we *feel* each other through time and space and sometimes lifetimes. We realize that separation is an illusion—that time and/or distance apart has no bearing on our connection to each other. 

Under this system, I love who you are and I have no need to attempt to change you.  If we no longer resonate, we simply and joyfully go our separate ways. I have no need to try to control you or own you.  I trust that everything that happens is for my highest good (and just more fodder for future books lol) I respect and honor that you are a sovereign being as I am. You and I are both FREE to stay or go...there is no binding contract hand-cuffing us together for better or for worse.  All that keeps us together is pure love, interest, passion, peace, harmony.  This enlightened relationship eliminates manipulation, coercion, control, duty and victimhood.  All feel respected and empowered to make choices in their highest and best interest trusting the other to do the same. It’s a new frontier—a kinder, gentler more conscious approach to love, relationship and connection. 

I invite you to go deep and do the personal work necessary to create amazing, conscious, enlightened relationships.  A few things to remember:  1. You must be that which you seek. 2. The most important enlightened relationship you can have is with yourSelf. 3. It’s ALL worth it. 4. It's a work in progress.  I see it as an ever evolving journey, not a destination.  We are still human and we still may have 'stuff' come up—It's how we handle it that's different. 

I believe Kahlil Gibran sums my thoughts up  much more eloquently below:

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

***My views on this a couple of years later continue to evolve, as do my desires and preferences.  Where as before, I was so bent on my freedom because it seemed to always be taken from me, having healed that, I do desire a committed, monogamous relationship with my beloved and find even more freedom inside of that.  It's all about your personal preferences, your ability to remain authentic to you and to communicate that ever evolving truth as your relationships progress.