The past 4 months I have consciously and intently been uncovering and unearthing the layers around the fortress that used to “protect” my heart. I have practiced and am now living with my heart wide-open and I dare say, will never go back. Don’t get me wrong, it has not been all butterflies and unicorns with little hearts dancing through the ether like a cartoon. Although some days have felt like that…I wrote in my journal on one of those days, “…the inner peace, joy and happiness have been so sublime that I’ve almost felt un-earthly…” Most days however, I have felt extreme sadness, heart-break and lonelines co-existing. On some days, I have cried 3 times before breakfast…and that was just a start….besides the 3 reasons mentioned above I have also wept in deep gratitude at the grace present in my life, the abundance, the love pouring through my veins for every living thing…songs make me cry…not just lyrics but passionate opera, driving by the Enchanted Cottage makes me bawl, seeing a hawk flying at my old place almost brought me to my knees missing the sight so much…
Do you know what surprised me the most about my tears, besides the fact that I could have counted on my hands the times I had EVER cried in my life before I turned 30 and now I cry daily? The biggest surprise is the tears I cry at the smallest acts of kindness from friends and strangers alike… here’s a (partial) list:
…hugs…omg…when I’m on the verge of tears and somebody hugs me…I just lose it feeling their love for me.
…I was going to ask a friend who has a beautiful yard if I could go there to write…I cried before I even called because I knew he would say yes…I cried more when the text came back, “…I love you. The mansion is your playground…”
…beautiful emails from a dear friend acknowledging the inner work I had been doing..."Your grace under fire is so very indicative of all the work that you are doing ...AND your courage is supported and admired. You could totally break down and crash and everyone who truly loves you would love you all the same. You could fly straight into the sun and burn up completely and find yourself reborn in a completely new form and everyone who loves you would love you all the same"
…a friend gave me a bag full of fresh veggies and blueberries…I cried.
…another friend said, “you’re the perfect woman: beautiful, smart, sexy, easy to get along with and spiritual…get REAL clear about what you want because you can have anything.” …tears of joy on that one…
…someone I don’t know on fb telling me what an inspiration I was to her and that she wants to be a better person because of it…cry…
…texts from a couple to me in the middle of the day, “we are thinking about you, Laurie and just want you to know we are here for you…if you need anything don’t hesitate to call.”
…having car issues and my friends husband says, “I know you have a lot of girlfriends, Laurie…but probably none of them can change your oil…sometimes you just need a man…just call me.”…more tears.
...a message from a friend I have yet to meet, expressing his love and concern for me, calling me his little brown-eyed girl...
…another friend letting me borrow his Jeep when he was out of town because of my car issues at the time…
…the Universe giving me a double-rainbow, pointing out the hawk overhead and a beautiful flower growing out of a crack in the cement on my walk…
What has developed for me because of this is KINDNESS…on a whole new level. Having never (or rarely) been“fragile”…I didn’t get the impact of how my kindness or lack of consideration may have had on another. I considered myself a “nice” person before, but I can say that I was unconscious about it. Now, everybody gets hugs from me…long ones…my smile means more knowing that I may be looking into the eyes of despair and wishing to communicate hope in a glance…I offer things to people that I don’t need or think they would appreciate…clothes, food, rides to the airport…I consciously look for ways to be kind, give, inspire and show my appreciation.
When I say, “thank-you” it’s not empty or unconscious like it was expected, no big deal or something I could have done for myself…..when I say thank-you for your kindness, gift, compliment it is from the depth of my heart that has been touched or moved in some way because of your generosity. Thank-you.
(((Hugs)))
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