I See Beauty

I wish you could understand how my heart breaks when confronted with the beauty of this lil Planet that I love so much. And I’m always confronted!! I live in this constant dualistic dynamic of so much joy I can hardly contain it and in the same moment, my heart is breaking knowing I may never see a sunset exactly like this one ever again. 

Then there is this other place I go, that this may very well be my last life on planet Earth.    Deep breath. I lose it every time I have that thought. Most people won’t get it…but it is as real as anything gets for me. The knowing that “this is it.’ Crushes me. To my knees. I have lived my whole life in awe of this planet’s beauty. Everywhere I have every been. From India and Detroit to Bali and Bora Bora and everywhere in between. I have a vivid memory of being a child in Maine, high up in one of my favorite trees, just watching how the Sun danced playfully from leaf to leaf as the wind gently blew. Noticing how it made the green of the leaves different hues depending on which angle the Sun was hitting it. I tell you then, what I consciously know now, that I was imprinting that beautiful memory into every fiber of my being, Soul, and DNA so that I could carry it with me into whatever incarnation next awaits me. This is what I have been doing for my whole life as Laurie Frazier and I have no doubt many others. Taking visual notes of my Beloved. How she feels in summer, how she smells in spring, her many colors of fall, and her heartbreak and purity of winter. I feel her heartbeat within me. I feel her strength and energy course through my blood. I feel her vibrancy in my unwavering health and her exuberance in every Sunrise. I feel her peace at sunset as she dims the Light. 

If I leave anything of myself behind, may it be my eyes, that you may see the all-encompassing beauty of this Big Blue Marble, Spaceship Earth. There has never been a planet like Her, I am sure of it. There will never be another like Her, just like there will never be another you. See Her. Appreciate Her. Teach your children to appreciate and enjoy Her many wonders. Don’t miss Her show. Please care for Her. She needs you. 

Let Her in and She will give you comfort in your darkest hour. She will nourish your Soul, not only with oxygen from her verdant forests, water from her powerful seas, and ambrosia from her bounty but with breath-taking beauty. For humanity can not live without any of these things. Beauty has been more sustainable than bread for me at many times in my life. I completely get Sun-gazing. Nature heals on the very deepest level. I dare say, there is nothing that can’t be healed by simply inhaling Her. Deeply. Into every fiber. 

If this were your last life here, how would you treat your sacred human existence? You don’t have unlimited time here…our days are indeed numbered. What will you do to ensure that your grandchildren get to enjoy her like you have? What will you want to see before you leave here? Will you be more present when you do? What is it that you will miss most? What can you do before you leave so that you will have no regrets? What do you want to know and experience in this sacred human temple? Seriously, I really think you deserve to ponder these things. Because what if? 

Just some random thoughts on a snowy winter eve….

The Father I Never Had

My dad died last night. I never knew him very well. I saw him maybe a couple of handfuls of times in my life. I heard he had brain cancer just two weeks ago. Then yesterday that he was in a coma expecting to die, as I was returning home from a trip to Hawaii. I had a moment on the plane,—hoodie up, tears running down my cheeks, looking out the window, as to to hide them from the friend I was flying with.

I began the drive home, up my mountain in blizzard conditions only to turn onto my dirt road in treacherous conditions. At least 6 feet of snow had fallen since I left and things just looked different. I pulled into a drive-way I thought was mine, and after doing the 6 point turn to get into it, realized it was not my house. The safest thing for me to do was to back-up all the way to my house. When I arrived, seeing snow half way up my front door and 100 yards down to get to it, I just started laughing and laughing. I had an overweight 52 lb suitcase, heavy carry-on and 6 bags of groceries to get into the house. And lil me, all by myself. 

I laughed again at the absence of the masculine in my life. My father, never having fathered me, on his way out, and 4 months earlier a man I had moved half way across the country for, expecting to build a life with, having utterly dismissed me after a month with no real reason.  And about three months earlier, ending even a friendship with a long-time lover and friend. Not to mention, leaving my son to live with his dad when I moved. Major losses of the masculine presence for me. 

And there I was, in the middle of a blizzard, looking at my snow-engulfed house, just me, myself and I—oh, and the big snow, wind and darkness. I smiled. Proud of myself for even making it home, in a blizzard, backwards…getting stuck once and getting myself unstuck without even getting out of my Subaru. I thanked Archangels Michael, Gabriel and Raphael for the safe passage I had requested. And my lil heart expanded again in that moment. Feeling my utter physical aloneness, feeling my own courage and with an inner-depth of knowing that I am never really alone. That the unseen is as present with me as the seen, that my trees and mountain, which I’d already greeted hello, were as aware of me, as I was of them. My lil girl heart believes that they were also just as happy to see me again as I was to see them. 

I donned my metaphoric wonder-woman cape (sounds better than big-girl-pants), got my two smaller bags out of the car and maneuvered my way down the driveway to my front door. The snow was literally mid thigh and much higher in other places. I laughed the whole way down in disbelief at the sheer amount of the white stuff. I dare say, even growing up in Maine, I have never seen this much snow in my entire life. I devised a plan on the way down, (as we woman must do, without the proverbial man in close proximity)…and the laughter continued. I’m kind of a little person, and I’m not that physically strong, so short of taking all of my over-packed crap out of my suit-case in 10 trips, (which did not in the slightest appeal to me), that suitcase was not going to make it in. Then I saw the sled…and laughed some more. 

You HAVE to know, attitude is everything. I just accept and often laugh at it all. Not withstanding the broken-heart, btw. I just simply TRUST, that whatever is happening, is for my highest good. Then I SURRENDER to the moment and ACCEPT it just the way it is, with no complaints. A simple, “So this is what is happening now…” often goes through my head. And I say, “Ok, now what?” And wait for the answers to come as they always do. I also ALLOW my feelings  to be felt about whatever the situation has brought up without shaming, judging or criticizing mySelf. Sometimes it’s feeling alone, sad, broken-hearted, angry, or frustrated. I OBSERVE what my lil human-self is experiencing. I am also con-currently aware of the real truth of my Soul which is my big joy, gratitude, humility, and reverence for this sacred human experience. That's the feeling that has been so over-riding within me for some time now. It’s the BEST!!  Seriously. I am always just laughing at my life. Often when most would be crying and/or pissed. 

But I digress…I was going to write about the weird feelings that my virtually unknown, absentee father’s death has spawned within me. I think i was feeling a re-triggering of his abandonment from my childhood. I think the most painful part for me is that I felt so sad that he did not want to know me. His own biological creation. Why doesn’t he want to know about my good grades? Why doesn’t he want to know that I’m running half the clubs in school and president of my youth group? Why doesn’t he want to know why I’m majoring in Theology at Boston College? Why doesn’t he want to know that I’m married, have kids, divorced, married and had another kid? Why doesn’t he want to know if I'm ok…if I have what I need, if I have food and a roof over my head? Why doesn’t he want to know how awesome I turned out in spite of his absence? 

I may never have the answers to those questions. It is what it is and what it was. And…I’m here now. I may always feel that abandonment, that lack of interest, that feeling of something being missing in my life. And…I’m ok. And…I wouldn’t change a thing. I am who I am today because of his absence. It made me strong. It made me independent. It made me self-reliant. It made me seek outside of mySelf and then back in, to the only love I will ever truly need. My own. So my resourceful, “I can do it, mySelf.” attitude hiked that little purple sled up to my car and put my very large, red suitcase on its side on top of it as I laughed all the way down to my front door. 

I got a message that my dad had died at 2am, just a few hours after I’d arrived home safely. I like to think he’ll be one of my angels now and that what ever prevented him from being with me in this life, will no longer be an issue for him from the other side. I love you, Dad. Forever grateful for all that you were and all that you weren’t to me, for both have forged my Soul.