How to Harness the Power of Navaratri & the Goddess for the Processes of Fall

pic found on SewaGroup

Navaratri-Nine Nights of the Goddess 

What I’ve found over the decades of being a junkie for spirituality, is that traditions, mythologies and even megalithic structures from all over the world, not only point to similar things, but most of them also point to the cycles of nature in some way. It is clear to me, that the Divine, spells it all out for us in every direction that we look, that what is going on ‘out there’ (in nature and the cosmos) is also going on within ourSelves. One of those traditions that show up in fall, is Maha Navaratri. I’ve been in love with this holy-day since we first met! 

Navaratri is a  special celebration from the Hindu tradition that honors the goddess and is venerated in India and Nepal. It occurs about five times a year with the most celebrated being Spring and Fall as it marks the turning of the year. It commemorates the dance of the Divine Feminine for ushering in the shift in the seasons. It’s a portal in time, marking a transition between the seen and unseen, spirit and matter, and the dark and the light. It’s a time when we feel like we are straddling both worlds and we are neither here nor there, but somewhere in between in the netherworld. Probably for this very reason, that you hear that the veil between worlds is thin at this time and is ripe for contacting ancestors and angels. 

The most significant/potent of the two Navaratri celebrations is during Fall, that’s why it’s called ‘Maha’ Navaratri. ‘Maha’ means great, ‘Nava’ means nine, and ‘ratri’ means night in Sanskrit. So essentially, it means the great nine nights of the goddess. This ‘holy’-day coincides with the Vedic lunar calendar and is thought to be the most powerful ten days of the year. The ancient seers/rishis of India identified Navratri as the time for the destruction of evil forces due to the power available at this time, to let go, destroy, release, transform and transmute our darkness into light. It is associated with a death cycle as the days get shorter and the nights get longer and life is being called into silence. Being closely linked with the seasons and with nature, it supports transformation, letting go, and healing. It invites our own deep dive into consciousness, awareness and our own inner wisdom.

So the story goes that each year during Navratri, the Great Mother manifests herself in the warrior form of Durga/Kali to battle the evil demon Mahishasura, who represents the dark forces that threaten the existence of goodness. The Goddess/Divine Feminine/Shakti Energy (Devas), descends to the Earth plane to awaken the Earth from a deep slumber. Her mission is to destroy the demons (Asuras) that could be interpreted as all types of negativity, evil forces and disharmony like the ego, greed, lust, laziness, fear, ignorance, sickness, anger, poverty, and jealousy that threaten to destroy our creative life and spiritual progress. She battles Mahishasura for nine nights and is victorious in the demons’ destruction on the 10^th day.

It’s the classic battle between the light and dark, the good and bad, and the conscious and the sub-conscious that takes place within all beings. The story shows good triumphing over evil as the Devas/goddesses personify courage, universal love and self-discipline that overcome the Asuras/ego-driven nature of desires and greed. It is also a reminder that what is going on ‘out there’ in nature, when we are in the balance of light and dark, is also going on within ourselves, and that we, like the Devas, have the power to heal, transform and integrate those polarities within ourSelves. 

Navaratri is the celebration of the goddess in all of her forms. In many traditions, she is not simply an energy, vibration or frequency. She is the mega-divine female, the Mother Divine—the counterpart of God the Father, create-ress of the phenomenal world. The invitation during this sacred time is to align with the powerful forces of this Divine Feminine/Divine Mother Shakti energy in the form of Durga, Lakshmi and Saraswati who represent power, abundance and wisdom in their most auspicious forms. They are each celebrated for three of the nine nights.

The power-house of this goddess trinity can be invoked to assist us in these shadowy processes of fall. Let’s take a look at how allowing the glorious light of the goddess to enter our consciousness, can assist us in transmuting our own darkness. It’s only fitting that we begin with Durga/Kali as she is the first aspect venerated at Navaratri and the most bad-ass for our own descent into darkness that initiates our own path to enlightenment. In fact, she should definitely join Archangel Michael as the feminine patron saint of our Beautiful Darkness journey. 

First of all, who is this trinity of feminine badasses? 

Durga aka Kali: She is the warrior goddess extraordinaire—complete with belt of dismembered heads. She wipes out, purifies, uproots, and transforms. She offers protection from enemies and dark forces. 

Lakshmi: She is the goddess of wealth, fortune, beauty and health. Lakshmi is said to bestow inexhaustible wealth on her devotees. She is the goddess of the home and ensures you have everything that you need. She offers support and nurturing in all areas of life.

Saraswati: She is the goddess of wisdom, the creative arts, music, skill, speech  and education. She is the goddess of consciousness. On Navaratri she dons a more ferocious form to eradicate ignorance and impurity in the world. She bestows right knowledge, understanding, creativity and artistry. She blesses her devotees with clarity, discrimination, wisdom and attaining excellence in the arts and sciences. 

In order to have all-around success in life, believers seek the blessings of all three aspects of the divine feminine, hence the nine nights of worship.

I like to think about what it looks like, in our modern world to embrace and embody each of those aspects of the goddess and how I would invoke their energies. For the purpose of the particular work in this book of fall and the shadow, this is how I see these energies manifesting:

As I was meditating on Kali and how I could invoke her for shadow work, I saw her with her sword and her eyes were firey to illuminate truth from bullshit. I have always seen her as a fierce ‘momma bear’ energy, like someone who would be looking out for your best interest in a ferocious way. My request or invocation was that she would embody us, in a way that we could see with her eyes, the truthfulness of our lives. In other words, if Kali were surveying your life (imagine her eyes behind yours), she wouldn’t mince her words, her tongue is like a sword. If she were to see you in a toxic relationship, and you tried to tell her that it wasn’t that bad, she would rip you a new one with clarity and truth. She would call a spade a spade and say, “WTF are you doing here? Do you not know your worth?” She would take her sword and slash that relationship in half. She would pick up that addiction, that you have been justifying as ‘not that bad’, and lift it over her head and smash it to the ground into a thousand pieces—because she loves you. 

I see Kali as an energy that would illuminate and awaken our own consciousness to all of our negativity, self-sabotage, and playing small ways. She would wield her sword of truth to illuminate any toxicity or inauthenticity in your life and in your sub-conscious. Her tenacity and eyes of fire would have you see with brutal honesty, all that is no longer in alignment with the truth of you and your dharma, and aid you in rooting it out. I see the fire shooting out of her eyes, like a super-hero burning to the ground, all that isn’t authentic. 

As you courageously take on this work, you too, will wear your own slayed demons around your belt of accomplishments from that which you have transmuted from your own shadows—alchemically having transformed your darkness into light and power. 

When you use the energy of Kali, just know, blood will be shed—your own. When you see yourself with her fiery eyes, there will be no more excuses, you will instantly be incinerated at the first untruth or self-deception that comes forth from your lips. All your excuses that have justified your bad behavior will evaporate, and you will be left witnessing the harsh truth of you. If that weren’t enough, you will see all the ways you have betrayed yourSelf and your own Soul and you will be left bleeding out on the battlefield of your own interior. 

However, as devastating as this may initially appear, it is the first step on your path to enlightenment, often called the dark night of the Soul. It is a death of sorts, to all that is inauthentic and toxic to your new growth and evolution. But just like the promise of the sliver of the new moon that comes after the dark moon, and the Winter Solstice that celebrates the return of the light when it is at its weakest, when you are lying lifeless from your harrowing battle, Maha Lakshmi comes to your aide. 

Ahhhh momma Lakshmi. She always reminds me of my grandmother, the goddess of the hearth and home. My grandmother was the glue of our family. She had a large, Victorian home in Maine, that you could always count on being well nourished there in her care. She provided us all with home cooked meals, a roof over our head, and a listening ear in hard times. 

How I envision Lakshmi, in our work of the shadow, is the great nurturer and goddess of self care. When you find yourSelf bleeding out at some of the devastation the radical, fiery-eyes of Kali has brought to light, call on Maha Lakshmi. Embody her loving care as you bestow yourSelf with some creature comforts. Put on your favorite sweater, make yourself some warm soup or a cup of tea. Beautify your surroundings with flowers, a clean space, and cozy blankets. 

Do all that you can to nurture yourSelf while you are undergoing this dark process. If Kali were the body/embodiment, Lakshmi would be the heart. To see yourSelf through the compassionate eyes of Lakshmi, picture the grandmothers, taking you in after you just got beat up by life. How would they nurture your Soul? What creature comforts would feel the most nourishing to you at this time? Don’t deprive yourSelf, pamper yourSelf. Show yourSelf some Lakshmi Self-love and care. 

I like to picture Lakshmi as the attending nurse, that comes while my Soul is in the ICU unit. She is going to breathe life back into me and show me that beauty exists on the other side of my pain. She is here to shine the light of hope that all will be well—like the celebration of the Light on the Winter Solstice. Part of the gift of Lakshmi is not only material wealth, but spiritual wealth as well. 

When you have re-gained your strength, are feeling better, and Lakshmi has taught you how to nurture and have compassion for your wounded Self, in comes your wise counselor, Saraswati. She will assist you in turning your wounds into wisdom by processing all that you have gone through. 

Saraswati is going to aide you in comprehending, making peace with, and transforming your past, and your shadows and the masks that you wear to hide them. She will act like an alchemist and transmit to you how everything you have undergone, has had meaning and purpose and was for the growth of your Soul. You will gain great wisdom as you submit and surrender to her counsel. 

You can invoke the wisdom of Saraswati, to know what music would be best for the processing of different emotions, and which essential oils would be powerful to facilitate bringing up and healing past wounds. You can request her inspiration while you use any of the creative arts of drawing, writing, painting, or singing as a means of therapy and inspiration for others. 

Her wisdom will guide you to connect any dots of your past pain with your own dharma and life purpose. Often our greatest strengths come from our deepest wounds, and become a gift when we can share those stories of over-coming with others in their times of need.

Aligning with the energy of the goddess at Navaratri, supports the process of fall and assists us in shining the light of awareness on our shadows, knowing what deserves to be released, and letting go of what is no longer serving our highest, authentic, expression. As we let go of our darkness, we create space for our inner light and wisdom to arise. 

It matters not if you are male or female—the Divine Shakti power that sustains life, exists in both men and women as receptivity, nurturing, vulnerability, beauty, inspiration, fertility, prosperity, joy, intuition, and community and are available to all of us. In a world where It appears that the goddess has long been forgotten, and is no longer a living presence for most people in our modern, industrial, patriarchal society, we would do well to bring Her back into our awareness. When our connection to Her is weak, we suffer financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. The Shakti power brings everything that is enlivening, nurturing and inspiring into this world. 

There is so much more to this power-house trinity of goddesses! What I’ve shared above, is how to utilize the energy for a specific purpose. I’ll be sharing more about how to invoke different archetypal energies with each turn of the wheel of life—coming up next with the Winter Solstice, then the Spring Equinox and culminating with the Summer Solstice. Meanwhile, do your own research, ask yourSelf how you embody each one of those energies and how do they play out in your life. Where have you abandoned the goddess? Which goddess archetype do you feel more aligned? Which energy comes easy and which is more of a challenge for you—the brutal honesty and momma bear quality of Kali, the Self-love, nurturing and compassion of Lakshmi or turning your wounds into wisdom, like Saraswati? 

Embody, invoke or propitiate these goddess energies as your own spiritual practice dictates. Follow your heart. Create your own rituals. Set up a sacred alter. Light a candle. Meditate. Chant an ancient mantra to one of these or other goddesses, or make up your own. Place a picture or a statue of your favorite goddess in a prominent or auspicious spot in your home or yard. Be more conscious and aware of honoring the goddess in all of her forms throughout your day. Bow. Have gratitude. Allow the Divine Feminine some space to be embodied within yourSelf. Love. Flow. Create. Happy Navaratri. ©Laurie Frazier ~excerpt from Beautiful Darkness

Using Crystals to Represent the Energies of Kali, Lakshmi & Saraswati to Facilitate the Processes of Fall

So if using crystals are a part of your practice, or you would like them to be, or if you have no clue what I’m talking about right now, let’s keep it simple. Crystals, rocks, stones, etc carry specific energies, as do herbs, animals, elements, and seasons. Whether they truly have the energy that they’ve been used for for hundreds/thousands of years or whether they don’t, for me, they have the energy ((( I )) bestow on them. It is my intention that empowers the ‘thing’ to hold that energy for me. 

When I have a particular goal, something I want to manifest, create or let go of, I will often set up a sacred space a.k.a. alter, that I put carefully chosen items on to represent whatever it is that I am working on. Just the focused act of contemplating that particular intention, and choosing what I do to represent it, has power. Every time I walk by that sacred space, I am reminded of what I am working on, if only momentarily. The physical representation in my home of my mental construct, assists me in bringing the particular goal into fruition. 

As I intentionally choose the things I do, I am clear in my mind that I am choosing what I choose, for very specific reasons.  Sometimes, the same item will represent different things, at different times. For instance, a feather may represent harnessing the element of air and another time, it may represent something I am letting go of, thus making myself ‘light as a feather.’ The power comes in my clarity and my specific intention for that particular item. 

I prefer to go with the flow and tap into the energy that has already been used for hundreds of years, like a feather representing air, a candle representing fire and a rose quartz having the energy of love and compassion. Like a Sanskrit sutra, which is simply a mantra with meaning, that has been chanted repetitively for thousands of years and is believed to carry the specific energy of its meaning by the mere chanting of it—particular items, because they have been used for thousands of years for specific ends, go with that! Because why not? It’s like a stone rolling downhill—that’s the energy you want to tap into. And, there are always things that hold specific meaning for me and nobody else, I use those just as often. 

So that was a long introduction to saying here are the different crystals I would use to harness/represent the energies of the goddesses above, Kali, Lakshmi and Saraswati as the particular way that they manifest during our shadow processes of fall. 

Kali: Any black stone like obsidian, black tourmaline, etc. Why? Because black stones are known to absorb negativity. I had an experience once, while teaching in an addiction treatment facility, where one of the patients that had just relapsed on heroine, was holding my black tourmaline and this fist size stone broke in half in his hand! No kidding. I was like, this shit is real! So get some black stones/crystals, if it resonates with you, holds it in your hand while you are meditating on these heavy emotions, carry it in your pocket or bra. Maybe on the left side, by your heart ladies, to absorb all that resentment, anger, and disappointment. I suggest that when you use it, you communicate with it and let it know its job. “Beautiful crystal, please absorb any negativity that resides in me.” “Thank you for holding my negative thoughts, emotions, etc.” 

Be intentional. Connect with whatever you are using. Hold it in your hands, close your eyes, notice if you feel anything whatsoever—warmth, vibration, tingling, coolness. Do it often. As you let go of your heavy stuff, you will become more sensitive. Keep tuning in. Let  these items/objects/oils/rocks/plants/etc speak to you. Also, speak to them. Let them know what you would like them to represent for you. Conjur up the feeling, power, emotion you want them to carry, while you are holding it and imbue them with it. 

Apparently, back in the way back machine, crystals used to be used to carry messages from one kingdom to another. Yet another lost art. I digress…

Lakshmi: Although Lakshmi is known most for the quality of abundance, in this work of the shadow, we are harnessing her aspect of being the goddess of health and well-being and invoking her for Self-love and care. In pictures of Lakshmi, pink often seems to be one of the predominant colors. As I meditated on her, and how we could best use her energy in the dark work of fall, she came to me as a nurse and a care-taker, like a really good grandmother. The stone that best represents that to me is hands down, rose quartz. 

Rose quartz is the stone of love and compassion. It feels very Venusian, which Lakshmi also represents being the goddess of beauty and the home. Get a nice big chunk of it for your alter, a smaller one for your pocket, or buy it in jewelry and wear it. One can never manifest or harness enough love and compassion—especially Self-love. 

Every time you see this warm pink stone, ask yourself, “What can I do to nourish me?” “What do I need in this moment?” Also ask yourself where have you not been caring for you and showing yourSelf some love. How is that Self-talk going? Are you being kind to you? Is there an environment of friendliness within yourSelf? If not, please remind yourSelf that having compassion for you, is the only healthy way to do this work. If you find yourself being more of a hater, put the work down. You don’t get to play here without the loving compassion of Lakshmi. Let this pink rock be a reminder to you, with every glimpse, to love you some you. 

Saraswati: Without question the crystal I would use in honoring the quality of wisdom in Saraswati in this situation, is amethyst. Why? Because purple is the color that represents the crown chakra and also the sixth or sixth sense, and both are connected to inner and divine wisdom. Amethyst is a very high-frequency, purifying stone that is not only used to protect against negative energy, but is also known to awaken higher consciousness. 

In other words, because we are invoking Saraswati, to assist us in turning our wounds into wisdom, it requires us stepping out of our egos and tapping into our Higher Selves. Our Higher Selves, can see with different eyes, the big picture. Using our intuition, we can see how everything we have gone through is also pointing us in a direction, cultivating strengths, and creating skills we didn’t have before the challenge. Using the energy of Saraswati, amethyst, and our own intention we can alchemize our weakness into strengths, and make chicken soup, out of chicken shit (as my grandmother used to say) or more pc, turning lemons into lemonade. 

Again, none of this is necessary. Wether you see these goddesses as real for you or merely archetypal, whether you believe crystals and stones inherently carry the energy I’ve shared or they don’t, it matters not. Real or imagined, fairy tale or quantum physics, we are simply pointing to something. We are more powerful than we can even imagine. Our beliefs create our world. I choose to align with those that not only feel resonate to my heart and Soul, but ones that give my life more meaning and a magical quality. 

I choose to be an active participant with the Divine/Higher Self in the co-creation of my life. I like to set clear intentions, and align myself with the energies present for a more effortless and graceful flow to my experience. I enjoy feeling intimately connected to nature, the seasons and the elements—which includes, but is not limited to trees, plants, animals, and stones. Mythology, archetypes and story-telling give me an anchor on which to align my own experience and have a greater understanding of my world. Connecting all of these dots, harnessing all of the energies I resonate with to manifest and create what I desire, makes me feel like an alchemical wizard and magical af—if only in my own mind, which is all that ever matters, anyway.  ©Laurie Frazier ~excerpt from Beautiful Darkness-A Journey through the Shadows to Emotional Freedom

The Fall Equinox—the First Step on Your Path to Enlightenment

"Blessed Fall Equinox. 

May you journey to the depths of your own shadows 

and discover a beautiful darkness, 

the likes of which you have never known." ~laurie frazier

If you are a spiritual seeker—a new initiate perhaps, and heading out on that psychonautic journey of self-discovery, just like we prepare for winter in the fall or before going on a long hike, there are preparations that deserve to be made for spiritual advancement on the path. And if that journey corresponded with the seasons, which I believe it does, that journey would begin with the Autumn Equinox. I could quote things like Joseph Campbell who said, “The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature” or the Hermetic Law, as above, so below; as within, so without, to better convince you, but that’s better left for my book BEAUTIFUL DARKNESS. For the sake of brevity, Fall has a few main themes: the harvest, darkness and purification. Which all distill down to one thing: clearing our space.

Applying these themes to our lives would look something like this: 

Harvest: In order to clear our space, we get to take an honest accounting of it. It’s a time of recapitulation. What do I have to show for myself? Who have I been being? What actions, thoughts, beliefs, and awarenesses have I been swimming in? What’s been fruitful and what has not? Where am I making progress and where have I come up short? Where has my harvest become unacceptable and no longer a reflection of my current consciousness? 

Darkness: Just as the Fall Equinox in the northern hemisphere, begins the descent towards the shortest day and the longest night at the winter solstice, before we can ascend into the Light of consciousness, we must first descend into the depths of our own sub-consciousness/darkness. It’s time to shine the light on all of our dark places, to acknowledge, be accountable for and either integrate, transmute or purge what we find there. All in preparation of clearing our space. 

Purification: One need look no further than the falling leaves to asses that letting go, is a major theme of fall—and why is it even called ‘fall’ in the first place, huh? Once you take that accounting and see your own darkness, now the question begs, what are you ready to let go of? Of all that shit— toxic emotions, unhealthy relationships and habits, addictions, limiting beliefs, your past, what is no longer serving you? What can you see that would be a hinderance to your spiritual evolution? Yuh…that. An integral piece of this purification process is forgiveness. You can’t really move forward without it. Forgiveness of yourSelf for all the shitty things you’ve done, not only to others but yourSelf. And forgiveness of everything you deem unforgivable that you mistakenly perceive has happened to you and not for you. 

A tall order…not gonna lie. However, essential to your progression, growth and evolution. No magic wand of love and light, holding rose quartz, or smudging yourself with sage will ever take the place of your own accountability and actually doing this work for yourSelf. It’s like that. You are in the process of giving birth to the glorious Soul you came here to be. Like I said to my purging friend in the middle of a plant ceremony, “Giving birth is never pretty…but it is always worth it.” There are beautiful gems of wisdom and self-awareness to be mined in the darkness of your own be-ing. Don’t miss the show. 

If you’d like to take a deeper dive into this, I’ll be doing an on-line work-shop on FB on this very topic. DM me for details at https://www.facebook.com/laurfrazier .  I have other resources available as well as one-on-one coaching. My book BEAUTIFUL DARKNESS— A Journey through the Shadows to Emotional Freedom, will be out in the Fall of 2020.  

#lauriefrazier #mavenofmoksha #fallequinox#autumnequinox #shadowwork #darkness #mabon #samhain #halloween#WritersLife #Fall #Awareness #Enlightenment #Consciousness#NatureHeals

Trust Your Heart—Not Your Stories

Did you know, that your heart is the gateway to your Soul? That your heart contains 40,000 sensory neurites and can think, feel and learn independently of the brain? The heart's electrical field is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the electrical activity generated by the brain. It’s magnetic field, is the strongest rhythmic field produced by the human body. Unlike the brain, the heart has no judgment or ego and is without fear. *Info from Greg Braden

All that seemingly trite bs to follow your heart and follow your bliss…it’s a thing. It’s more than a meme on Insta and it isn’t anything to be taken lightly. If you go through life, never tuning in to what it has to say, you will have missed the entire point of your life. Yuh…it’s like that.

And newsflash….the voice of your heart, is not the voice of your parents, spouse, children, church leaders, life coach, therapist or even Jesus, Buddha or Krishna. It is the voice of your very own Soul, your Higher Self, and it contains all the mysteries and secrets as to why you are even here. It’s no accident that it is the first organ that develops in an embryo and it’s your very own internal guidance system. To ignore it, to put your heart-felt desires aside for what you’ve been programmed to believe you are ‘supposed’ to do or ‘should’ desire is to deny your very being.

To quote Morpheous, “To deny our impulses is to deny everything that makes us human.” If you find yourSelf on a little higher frequency than the average blue-pill-er, I’d say it this way, “ to deny our “heartfelt desires” is to deny everything that makes us human. To be human also includes being spiritual. In fact, we can’t really be spiritual, any more than we can be human, as it is just something that we are. You can’t really tell a squirrel to just be a squirrel for it is inherent in his very being. We need only remember, that the nature of our souls/beings is eternal.

There is an epidemic in our western society and that is we have forgotten who we truly are—that we are powerful beyond measure, that we have a mission and a purpose that only we can fulfill. Life is sooo much more than your 9-5, nightly news and mortgage. We did not come here to be blindly devoted to another’s programming. Upon awakening, you will recognize all of the ways your soul has been imprisoned and therefore, impoverished, and you may have a strong urge to liberate yourselves from the veil of unconsciousness.

I believe we are a species with amnesia, I think we have forgotten our roots and our origins. I think we are quite lost in many ways. And we live in a society that invests huge amounts of money and vast quantities of energy in ensuring that we all stay lost. A society that invests in creating unconsciousness, which invests in keeping people asleep so that we are just passive consumers or products and not really asking any of the questions.

 - Graham Hancock

What are those pesky lil questions, you ask? They’re the ones you avoid because you don’t really want to know because to acknowledge what you discover, may cause you to have to take some action, or make some major changes in your life, and change can be scary. Ya know what’s scarier…staying stagnant, stuck and enslaved. Living a life where the lights are half-on til they go out completely, slowly dying in a prison of your own making because you are unable to speak your truth. Many of you refuse to speak your truth because you tell yourselves that you don’t know. The truth is, you won’t even ask the questions, because, deep down you already do know. You think if you can just avoid crystal clarity, you can continue in your half-awakeness....which is exactly where the term, “ignorance is bliss” came from. 

But is ignorance really bliss? Is pretending really blissful, or does it feel more like survival? It’s much easier to feign happiness without that crystal clarity. Just allow the din of all the other voices to out-weigh your own. This is what it looks like: you have a belief that you should and are supposed to stay married against all odds, though your heart is screaming otherwise. So, to avoid the unmistakable voice of your heart, you turn up the volume of the programming that repeats, “you’re doing the right thing, you’re doing the right thing…” Then your brain chimes in with all the other voices that let you know in no uncertain terms how you believe you will be perceived by all those that matter to you and surprisingly all that don’t if you were to do otherwise. Then you come up with more noble-looking thoughts to disguise the voice of your soul a little more like….”I made a commitment…how will this affect the kids….I’m being selfish…” and on and on it goes till the raging flame in your heart becomes nothing but a flicker that you dismiss as the desires of the flesh. Then you give yourself a pat on the back for ‘choosing the right.” But did you really? 

Here’s what else ‘ignorance is bliss” looks like, you have the hunch that your partner may be having an affair but instead of confronting them, you metaphorically put your head in the sand or stick your fingers in your ear with more noise, “la, la, la, la, la…..” Somehow, you think if it remains unacknowledged, then it doesn’t exist—but the heart always knows. So more noise is required to squelch your intuition and keep yourself safe from the truth. But are you really safe? 

We have been completely socialized into not trusting our own intuition, natural abilities, inner knowing, and intelligence. We prefer our desires carefully tucked away in some nebulous cloud, such that we can’t even access how we feel about things, what we want, what or whom we authentically love, or who we truly are. It’s just easier this way and way less messy. We live our lives in the shadows of others expectations while rejecting the true Light of our own Soul, and heart. This is slavery. To look to another for approval, invalidate your own Self, and put your life in the more capable hands of someone else’s, be it individual, church, government, or society. 

What this truly is, is lazy. You don’t need a rule-book to know it’s not ok to take somebody else’s stuff or their life. As a conscious, eternal being, you do not need another to tell you what is right for your life. There isn’t one rule for everyone that says if you got married you should stay married. It’s different for everyone. Only you know if your marriage can be truly transformed and by that I don’t mean putting a simple band-aid on it with another trip to the therapist or ecclesiastical leader. 

If you brush the faux clouds away and tune in, you will just know. You already do know. You’re just afraid. You are the only one that knows if your relationship is toxic to your soul. Only you know if you are or will ever be lit up by your partner, or if you will always feel like you have to dim your light around them. Only you know if you (or they) are merely tolerating, attempting to thrive on scanty rations, or if that person will ever be able to truly fan your flames or not. Laughing, eh? “Fan your flames?” Your partner has no clue as to how to ‘fan your flame’? Maybe because they don’t know who the fuck you. You’ve been pretending so hard, for so long, to be that which you thought they wanted you to be, that they have no clue who’s under all of those masks. Who’s fault is that? 

Whenever we ‘pretend’ to be that which we think others want from us, it can never last without sucking the life and vitality right out of us. It is not easy to be that which you are not—and it is even more difficult to step into the truth of who you really are…at least initially. I promise you though, once you do, it will become even harder for you to pretend ever again because you will feel so happy and free-living the life of your choosing, it will take an army to get you to go back to your old fake ways. 

So…put your hand on your heart, take several breaths, tune in to your heart space and ask yourself some questions. Am I in love with this person? Am I able to be my authentic Self with this person without dimming my Light? Are my dreams supported in this space? Can I be truthful with this person without fear? Would this person love me if they knew who I really am? Looking into the future, is this the person you want to wake up to in five years or even next week? What do you think this person loves about you? Is that the truth of you or a facade? Do you feel like you are a better you with this person by your side, or more like a fraction of yourself? Are their parts of you, you feel are rejected or would be if you released them? 

And to be accountable, where is it that you have created the disconnect between the two of you? Is there any resentment that you could let go of? If you were to forgive them for any perceived wrongdoing, would the spark come back? Where have you closed off your heart and why? Do you think it would make a difference if you opened it again? Is there someone else you’d rather be with? Can you love your current partner as much as you do somebody else? Could you let that third person go completely to dive whole-heartedly back into your marriage without feeling like you just lost a piece of your soul? When you think of the next few years with your current partner, does it feel heavy or light? 

Time to get real? Would your heart be better served by moving on, or by staying together? If you let go of all of your should’s and ought to’s, how (you believe) your children may be affected, what your church has to say, and all the opinions of others—what would your big, beautiful heart weigh in? In other words, Fuck your rules, what does your heart say? But how do you know it’s your heart? Easy. Your heart doesn’t tell stories, nor does it justify its answer. The heart is clear. Vanilla or chocolate? The answer is immediate, and it needs no justification. I choose chocolate… because….no! I choose chocolate because I fucking choose chocolate! Because it is the truth of my soul. Period the end. Nobody is wrong here. The heart chooses what the heart chooses. To ignore it is to fight an unending battle for the rest of your life by going against it. Notice all the stories you will have to create when you do go against it. Just notice. I’m staying because…the children…I made a commitment,…the lifestyle…FFS!! 

The heart wants what the heart wants and it isn’t bad and it isn’t wrong. Your heart is the gateway to your Soul. It always knows the way.  Within your heart and its unequivocal clarity, lies your courage. When you find that, there will be no stopping you. 

 "Never regret anything you have done with a sincere affection; nothing is lost 

that is born of the heart." ~Basil Rathbone

Remember who you are—that you are eternal, but that this earth life is temporary. Trust your heart—not your stories, or the programmed voices in your head. Choose which one you will allow to be your master—your divinity and higher Self or the voice of the masses. Figure out the difference. Your life is waiting. ©lauriefrazier Excerpt from the upcoming book, Get A Fucking Divorce, Already!

Why Good Women Cheat or Check-Out 9 Secret Truth Bombs Revealed

 By laurie frazier

Gentlemen, if your girl has lost interest, cheated on you or checked out, you’re probably a pussy—time to Daddy-up!

Now that I have your attention, how would you like to know 9 secrets of how everything you thought you were supposed to do to win a woman over was, in fact, the fast-track to losing her? Not only losing her, but doing these things will reveal your lack of self-esteem and self-worth, lack of conviction, backbone and ultimate desperation—none of which are remotely attractive in the male species. 

You seem to think that being ‘the nice guy,’ letting her make all the decisions, handing over your money, giving her everything she wants and putting her first, was going to earn you unlimited brownie points.  You were wrong. You’ve been duped. 

A few months ago, I wrote 10 Truth Bombs that were directed at women and the reason they keep creating men that betray them—the following Bombs of Truth will be directed at the men. Men, are you ready for some straight talk? Want to know the real reason good women lose interest and may cheat? It’s different than why you cheat. All of these truth bombs relate to what men do or don’t do that translates into a loss of respect and therefore a diminution of attraction that may eventually lead to looking elsewhere or not giving you the time of day in the first place. 

The number one reason quality women cheat or simply lose interest is because they’ve lost respect for you in some or many ways. One of the biggest ways you men lose respect is by being too nice, by putting her needs above yours (at your own detriment and better judgment), and by being too loving and no longer objectifying her. Whaaaaa?!?!?! 

You’ve got women all wrong. We really don’t want a man that will cater to our every whim.  You may think she wants the bad boy, but that’s not entirely true either. Your first mistake is actually believing what your woman tells you she wants, and your second is trying to fulfill everything you think she said. This notion that the more you give into her, let her have her way, and do what she says, the more she is going to love you, is bullshit. 

Here’s what the bad-boys got over you. A so-called bad boy is bad, and therefore attractive because he can’t be pushed around or easily swayed. A bad boy is selfish and has his own interests first and foremost. A bad boy is not going to stop what he’s doing because his girl wants him to hang her curtains or go rescue her fucking cat. He has a strong sense of self—even if he is a narcissist.

Dropping everything you’re doing to do what she asks is one of the worse things you can do, and the quickest way to lose her—that is, after she takes all your money, has you fix every broken thing in her house, yard and car, and has you set up her website. It may take a minute (or years) for her to kick you to the curb because you are soooo fucking useful. However, while you’re slaving for her, she’ll be off sexting some bad boy from the gym in no time.  

Wait…am I saying that doing things for your woman is a bad idea? No. Not at all. Is your head spinning already? Am I just proving the point, that women don’t know what the fuck they want? Here’s the deal:

Truth Bomb Number 1:  We want a man that is more dedicated to himSelf and his mission than he is to us. Putting us above everything else in your life makes you untrustworthy. 

Yes, we absolutely love when you do helpful and sweet things for us. However, though we are not interested in being with a narcissist, whether all women know this or not, we really do want a man that is more dedicated to himSelf and his mission than he is to us. We really do not want a puppet that we can control like some of our mothers did our fathers. When you can control a man, he ain’t a man. The very nature of man is that he is powerful, strong, assertive, and knows who he is. Anything less, you lose us—or at least our respect. If you lose our respect, it is a downhill slope from there—one of which you may never recover. You need to wear the pants—or at least your own pants. There is nothing worse or unattractive to a woman than a weak-willed or wishy-washy man. Ewww. 

So, to clarify, it’s not the asshole in the bad boy that women are drawn to, it’s that he is self-directed and will not succumb to our whining, pleading or bullshit. Yes, we want and need your assistance at times—we depend on you to show up for us in these ways. However, we really don’t want you to do it at your own expense. Your dedication to your own mission/business, children, and workouts are something we find highly attractive—sexy, in fact. Even if we complain about it. There is nothing hotter than a rock-solid man from the inside. Big difference from the bad boy who really doesn’t give a shit about her or anyone else but himself. 

You taking care of you and the things that are important to you, makes you not wishy-washy. When you refuse to stay up late with us, stay home from the gym, or eat the unhealthy food we make you— you make your truth clear by your actions. You understand that when you take care of you, you are much more capable of caring for those in your orbit. We now know what is important to you, and we can’t help but respect it—whether we like it or not. Unlike the bad boy, we know that when we truly need you that you will show up for us, too. That’s hot. 

If you are just dating, don’t do too much too soon! When you do, there’s an energy of you trying too hard to get us to like you. Get rid of all ‘in order to’ energy behind your doing. Don’t do anything for us ‘in order to’ make us like you more, ‘in order to’ get laid, ‘in order to’ get something in return, or ‘in order to’ show-off. Do it from the goodness of your heart because you are able to and because you want to with no ulterior motive—or don’t do it at all. Just don’t overdue too soon.

Truth Bomb Number Two: We don’t want a man that will turn all of his decision-making power over to us. Always have a voice and speak your truth.  

Do not let us put pink pillows in our shared bedroom or allow us to decorate our home as if it’s inhabited by a Disney Princess unless you approve, or you truly don’t care. A man lives here, there should be some evidence of YOU—not just in your man-cave garage or one room that you squirreled away for yourself. Have an opinion—make your home look like it’s yours, too! Do not give all decision-making power to your woman. 

If you truly don’t like something, say so!  Otherwise, every time you look at those fucking pillows, they will bug you and you may feel emasculated. Not because the pillows are pink, but because you no longer have a voice. Always have a voice. Speak your truth even if you feel you may risk losing her. Women respect men with opinions, whether we agree with you or not. Just try not to be stupid. 

Also, do not allow us to tell you where you can and can’t go or what you can or can’t do. Do not let us deny you your boys’ night, hunting weekend or golf trip with the guys. Men deserve the company of good men, just like we need our ‘girl time.’ To not go, or not even think you can ask (and there’s the problem right there, feeling like you have to ask to do anything—I prefer the word consult). Same goes with getting a motorcycle, guitar, racing cars, playing in a band, etc. If it’s something your lil masculine heart desires, you get to do it. Just don’t be stupid. 

You get to have women friends, too! Just be transparent. If you allow your woman to make you eliminate long-time girl-friends you’re a total pussy with an insecure tyrant as a wife or gf. If you are a good guy with nothing to hide this should not be a problem. If your woman is that insecure about your affection or your trustworthiness, that’s her issue to work through. She is not the boss of you. 

Truth Bomb Number Three: We lack trust in men who don’t spend time with and invest in their own children. Be a man and Daddy-up with the kiddos. 

Do not let us teach your/our children something that you do not believe or disagree with. Do not absolve yourself from their learning because you may be the bread winner and she is home with the kids. Your offspring and how their young minds are being programmed ought to be important to you. When you are an active participant in the important things having to do with their development, that’s notable. 

If you are dating or in a second marriage, do not allow your new girl to get in the way of your relationship with your children by having you see them less, pay less child support, not attend their events, or by disconnecting with them in any way. If your woman pulls the jealousy card with your own kids and tries to make you choose between her and them to prove your love—dump her, asap. 

Do not allow your ex-baby momma to keep you from your kids, either. She may try—never make it easy for her. If you succumb, she will dis you to all her friends and family and talk about what a shitty father you are. They are your children, too. If you really don’t give a shit and think your life would be much easier not having anything to do with your own offspring—this book is not for you. Any quality woman that would be ok with you abandoning your own kids, knows she will just as easily find herself rejected, and it speaks volumes about the kind of man you are—be prepared for the boot. 

I once dated a recently divorced guy that was in a real battle with his ex—the children were one of their points of contention. One day he and I were just leaving the driveway to just go goof off. His older son called saying he’d broken a finger skiing and would he go pick him up from the resort. He blatantly lied to his son saying that he was working and that his mother was going to have to figure it out. I was mortified and said, “Go get him we can hang out another time.” He responded venomously about his ex, saying that if she wanted the kids to herself so much, she was going to have to deal with it. My respect for him plummeted in that moment. 

A man who doesn’t love and invest in his own children is not worthy of respect. Nor is a woman who attempts to keep a man from his kids. Children are not pawns, and to use them in that way is deplorable. 

Truth Bomb Number Four: We really don’t want a man that will sit quietly back while we spend his/our hard-earned money frivolously. Money is equivalent to power—don’t give it all away, you will be seen as a pushover. 

Do not throw money at us or let us spend yours or our own money haphazardly. Don’t blindly give up 100% of that control of the purse-strings, be involved and know where the money is going each month.  Am I saying you need to control every dime? Hell, no! I’m saying have some clear communication about your financial goals and at least some loose agreement as to how you will spend your hard-earned cashola. Decide together which part of the budget is discretionary, what’s for bills and mutually agreed upon savings. 

If she has her own job or source of income, first of all, know that it’s hers and she has a right to do what she wants with it, but don’t have a double standard where she gets to control your cash, too. That old axiom of ‘what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine’ is bs. When women (or men) have 100% discretion over the family income, it’s an imbalance of power and though they may be thrilled about it, they won’t respect you for it. 

Be helpful. Not in a judgmental way, but in an open communication kinda way. If you know more about investing or financial stuff, share your wisdom. Like most things, this is an area better served by both parties with some checks and balances to avoid resentments and maintain respect.  

A man who doesn’t care about how his money is being spent is not trustworthy. If you let us spend whatever we want, without question, or buy us everything we desire, it feels like you are trying to buy our love and keep us happy. Though generous, it’s a weak move.  We want to know that you have a bigger plan for our future and that you care where our money is going—like a smart man should. There is an interesting balance of power with money—don't be foolish, but don’t be a tyrant either!  

Same goes for your kids. Don’t buy them everything their lil hearts desire in exchange for their love or because you feel guilty for not spending more time with them. Spend more time with them! Teach them the value of money, how to earn it and why they deserve to save some of it. 

Red alert men! If your disinterested wife starts hiring personal trainers, getting plastic surgery, boob jobs, tummy tucks, botox and buying a new wardrobe all of a sudden, she may just be prepping for her exit. She’ll need to look her best out in the single market. Funny enough, it’s a thing. Just have a clue where your pennies are going. Be cognizant of behavioral changes with the finances. Sorry ladies :(

Truth Bomb Number Five: Don’t let your woman to give up her career/schooling for yours—at some point, she will resent you for it. Insist she gets her degree, training, or education so that she can be self-sufficient. 

Do everything you can to encourage her to get her degree, follow her passions and assist her in being independent. If she did give up her job/career to have babies or to put you through school, get her back to school as soon as it is feasible. Watch the kids in the evening, pay for it, encourage her, insist! Take away every excuse that she may have to not complete her degree or master her craft. It shows your genuine concern for her and your confidence that you don’t need her to remain ‘barefoot and pregnant.’ 

You don’t ever want her to stay with you because she feels she has no options, can’t afford to be on her own, or has no clue what she’d do without you. And what if something happened to you? You don’t want her to be forced into some kind of menial labor job just to get by or feel like she has to marry some jackass to be taken care of. If you care about her, teach a woman to fish already. She may resist—push it, she will thank you later and respect you for it whether she says so or not. 

If you are one of those dudes that believes that ‘if she doesn’t need you, she will leave you’…wtf? Are you nothing but a paycheck? Is your sole sense of worth tied to your income? If that’s the case, you should be worried. If you don’t know who you are outside of that paycheck, then you are not a strong man. Your ability to provide, though sexy and desirable, will not cut it with a woman on an evolutionary path. Don’t worry though, there are plenty of Muggle women that will have you based on your proven ability to earn alone—won’t matter if you’ve let yourself go, or if you’re dumb as a rock in all other areas. 

If you have insecurities about your wife leaving you if she no longer needs your financial support, then two things: 1. Why are you with this shallow being? 2. Why do you feel that’s all you are good for? Time to work on your Self-love and worth. Get a life, have some interests outside of your work and your relationship. Do some inner Self-work, see a coach or therapist. Know your worth outside of your income.

If your worse fears come true and she does leave you, good for you! Would you have wanted this shell of a woman to stay with you because you were her only option? Would you have preferred her feigned interest indefinitely to being alone—or to finding someone that is genuinely into you? Hint: YOU will have to be into you before that happens. 

Let it be enough that you did something honorable by assisting her to take care of herself. Chances are she’s made plenty of sacrifices for you in the past. Consider her repaid and move on, with your head held high. 

Truth Bomb Number Six:  Don’t get too complacent in bed or be too sweet and gentle. Women like variety, too. They want to be taken by you and know that you are still turned on by them. 

Just because she liked something 10 years ago, and it still seems to be ‘working,’ spice it up! If you’re curious, know that she most likely is too. What haven’t you done together? Can you take a tantra class, try some different positions, or different locations? Maybe one night a month it’s all about her, and you take nothing for you. Maybe a weekend get-away? Maybe some role-playing…meet at a local bar and pretend you are meeting for the first time. Try objectifying her a lil more…whaaaaa?!?!? Let me explain.

As much as you hear women complaining about being objectified by men, you’d think they totally hate it—that’s not entirely true. Hear me out. It’s one of the reasons she turns to the bad boy. He has no problem telling her she’s hot af and what he wants to do to her amazing body. Though he may be brazen there is no question as to his desire for her. Men seem to think that women just want to hear you declaring your love and devotion and telling her what a fabulous mother and wifey she is. While that’s all sweet and good, and we do love to hear those things, to maintain her sexual interest you’ll have to stretch a little more than that. 

As a ‘good man,’ you may never dream of uttering things in her ear like, ‘I’d like to fuck your brains out’, or ‘You are sooo hot tonight, that I am going to skip the foreplay entirely and not apologize for it,’ for fear of rejection or a slap across the face. It’s exactly what she needs! While she really has no interest in the dirt bag random guy that says shit like that to her, to hear her husband/partner saying naughty things is a total turn-on (unless your girl has become a nun—then you have other issues)! She already knows you love her. What she wants to know now is that you still desire her above all others—that your body craves her body. She wants to know that she still makes you hard at the mere sight of her. 

A real problem in long-term relationships, according to Esther Perel, is maintaining eroticism with each other. Sometimes all the ooey-gooey, nurturing love we have for each other, while comforting and blissful, can be a far cry from building arousal, passion, and desire. What you need is a good dose of objectification. Instead of seeing your woman as just the wonderful mother of your children, or the brilliant entrepreneur that she is, try also seeing her as your temple of pleasure, your gateway to sensual, erotic play. Send her naughty text throughout the day. Tell her she has a great ass once in a while or that she looks super sexy in that dress. When you get home whisper something in her ear that will make her blush in front of the kids. She’ll be calling the sitter in no time and have zero need for that bad boy.  

Truth Bomb Number 7: Though we want you to be intimate with us, don’t be too emotional—and definitely don’t be whiny. 

“I knew it,” you declare, “we got bad information.” Wait. Just consider what you are sharing. There’s a difference between serious grief and being a whiner. If your mother died, we expect you to cry and we want to be there for you and comfort you in any way that we can, whether it’s a listening ear, sex, or food. We got you. However, don’t be a cry baby about losing your race, or a video, poker or baseball game. That’s lame. Determine to do better next time. Be a man.

We don’t want to hear that Joe at the office disrespects you, that you lost some verbal war with your brother, that your momma has always favored your sisters over you or that someone at the bank was rude to you. The bad boy is never going to tell us any of that or that he’s afraid he can’t make his motorcycle payment next month. We don’t want to see our man as weak. Daddy-up!  

Never talk shit on yourself in front of us, or say things like you’ll never get a raise, progress in your job, lose weight, get healthy, or make anything of yourself. Don’t say you are a loser, stupid, broke, that you don’t know why your girl would choose you, or that she deserves so much better. This wreaks of victim mentality and is a total buzz kill. Ewww. If you think that, why should she think anything different? Don’t use her for a crutch for your pathetic need for self-validation, she’s not your mommy. Being needy is soooo unattractive. Fake it ‘til you make it, dude. 

Sharing your genuine emotion or fears is totally different and can be healing to share, and a bonding experience. We want you to be vulnerable with us and share how you are feeling about our relationship, things that may be bothering/worrying you and concerns that you may have. We don’t want you to be a robot, we want to feel your deep passion and share your heart-felt sadness and grief—just don’t be a whiny lil bitch. That’s gross—unless you're sick…then it’s kinda cute :) We really do want to take care of you, too. Please let us. We just don’t want to be your mommy.   

Truth Bomb Number 8: You should never feel like you are walking on eggshells around your woman. Never cower, make yourself small, or be afraid of us. Eww. Show us your boss man. 

Tip toeing around your woman is about fear, it’s unattractive and you deserve to stop being such a pussy. If you are with a woman that has you feeling this way, time to examine the dynamic and when you lost your balls to her, or if you ever had them in the first place. Seriously, if you are afraid of her moods, not doing anything right or incurring her wrath at the slightest little thing, then 1. What happened to you?, 2. Why are you putting up with this?, and 3. When did you lose your self-respect and self-worth? 

If your woman thinks she has this kind of power over you, you are nothing but her slave. She rules. She has zero respect for you and would cheat on you in a heartbeat. If not cheat on you, then use you, feel entitled to everything you have, and take you to the cleaners when you try to divorce her or when she finds a better deal and leaves you. But she’s not worried about you going anywhere because most of you will never try to leave her. You actually fear this hostile bitch leaving you! You act this way because you have zero self-worth, think that she is the best you can do, falsely worship her and even wonder how she ever chose you in the first place! I’ll tell you how—you are a weak man and she is a tyrant. You go together like PB&J. 

Men like this are afraid to question their woman about any of her decisions, what she does with all of the money, or where she goes every Thursday night. You will bend over backward for this woman for a single crumb of affection or acknowledgment, which she rarely gives you no matter what you do. On those rare occasions that she agrees to have sex with you, she will have you feeling like she did you the biggest favor, even if all she did was lay there. This will never get better; her scope of control will just get larger as you continue to do all that you can in a feeble to attempt to please her and make her happy. 

The only way to change this dynamic is for you to gain genuine Self-worth and to feel that you are deserving and desirous of something more. It will require you to remove your blinders. If you are this man, you have this woman on a very undeserving pedestal and are most likely drowning in a sea of metaphoric self-flagellation. Whatever spell she has you under, you feel overly fortunate to be in a relationship with her, and that you won some sort of coveted prize that you never thought yourSelf worthy of. This is exactly where your lil tyrant would have you be—a slave under her thumb. Newsflash: She is the consolation prize for thinking so little of yourSelf. 

Open your eyes. This isn’t love. For fun, make a list of all the wonderful things you do for her and try to come up with even half that for what she does for you. If all you can come up with is her fabulous presence, which btw, is all she feels she need contribute, she doesn’t love you. Stop lying to yourself. 

You probably had a very controlling mother, if I had to guess. If you had a father, he was most likely completely emasculated by your mom and nothing you did was ever good enough for one or either of them.  

This has got to stop. You need help. You may not believe this right now, but you will be so much better off without her. Until you take your power back and learn to love yourself, you can’t expect anyone ‘out there’ to do otherwise either. Get out. Take care of you and get a fucking divorce, already. 

Truth Bomb Number 9: Do not fall all over us, have us feel like you love us way more than we love you, or that you would die without us. Barf. 

Yes, we want to feel secure in your love and affection, however, we also want to know that you are a passionate, red-blooded man in the world that is attractive to the opposite sex and that you too have options. Your overdoing it with us makes you look like you are sooo grateful that a girl like us would be interested in a guy like you—it makes us question our own judgment. Don’t make us feel like you are the lucky one and we got the boobie prize! 

I’m not telling you to try to make us jealous, play on our insecurities or create a fear of losing you. We also do not want to feel like we could treat you like shit, ignore you for eternity and think you would still be hanging around kissing our ass because this is the best ‘a guy like you’ could ever hope for. Nor do we want to feel that you are so content and in love with us that you would never dream of looking at another woman. Yawn.

Don’t pretend not to see the obviously beautiful Victoria Secret-like-model that just walked by. Pretending not to see her is a lie. Don’t start comparing us to her though, that’s a jackass move. As a woman, I want to know that although there are plenty of other attractive women in the world, that are also attracted to you, that you choose me—and not blindly. Keep your woman on her toes, like she’d be wise to do with you, so you don’t take each other for granted. I’m not talking about game playing, just being observant about how the scales are tipping.

Don’t be withholding with your affection, complements or acknowledgment, either.  Just don’t go over board or allow a major imbalance. Pay attention, if you are always the one giving out compliments and none are coming back, or they are just in response to yours, slow your roll. She’s not going to love you more, and she may respect you less. 

Make your complements authentic so they are worth more! I had a sweet husband that would tell me I looked great, when I clearly didn’t, or that my meal of a basic salad and potatoes was the best meal he’d ever had. C’mon. Though sweet, it’s bullshit. Acknowledge the effort, maybe…but don’t shovel complementary shit—keep it real so we trust you. I called him King Shoveler because he complimented everything, which made nothing special. 

Do what you can to maintain the polarity. Make sure she is as into you as you are over her, if she isn’t—you have issues. When that scale is consistently tipped in one direction, respect will be lacking. 

As you can see from the truth bombs above, women lose interest, cheat or check out because they’ve lost respect for you. If they’ve lost respect for you, chances are that you don’t respect you either. If she’s lost respect she thinks you’re lame, that you have no backbone, that she’s free to walk all over you and probably sees you as boring and pathetic. Sure, initially she feels victorious, she now has her very own man slave. You take such good care of her, put up with all of her bullshit and she never has to lift a finger. She doesn’t even have to make a contribution to the relationship but to merely reside under the same roof. You make it so easy for her to be a mediocre partner. Most of you would do well to just wake up and get a fucking divorce, already.

Know this, if you are a man being a whiny lil victim about life, do not be surprised if your girl’s interests turn towards some more masculine feeling dude, if they haven’t already. Testosterone is attractive. Lack of self-worth is super-de-duper unattractive. Make no mistake, she’s been fantasizing about leaving you, but you are sooo fucking nice, needy and useful. I’m not saying to start being a dick, but definitely stop being a pushover if you plan to stay. Your girl will wonder what got into you and it just may save your relationship.

Manage your shit. You need a massive reboot whether you decide to stay or go. You can’t allow the masculine polarity to slip through your fingers again unless you want the same results with somebody new. Time to put your big-boy pants on, take back the reins, stop being a pussy and daddy up!! 

Warning, some women of lower consciousness really do want a man slave, so she may leave you if you take your power back. It will be the best thing that ever happened to you, though you may be too busy crying about it to realize it. When you wake up, come to your senses and reclaim your manhood and your self-worth, she will no longer be the woman of your dreams. It may take a minute or years.  But as the blinders begin to fall off, you will see your illusions and all of the ridiculous stories you’ve had to tell yourSelf to remain in that unhealthy place. 

There is hope on the horizon. Take some time for yourSelf. Get to know who you are without the external need for the validation of a woman. Enjoy the freedom that comes from leaving the cage of slavery, subservience and being used. Acknowledge yourSelf for your courage to speak up for yourSelf, take your power back and make a positive shift for your own benefit for a change. You are headed in the right direction. 

Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Don’t be afraid of a woman not wanting you if you put your Self and your mission first. Those women are not the droids you are looking for. Just do you for a while, figure out what you value, who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world. Be strong on the inside. Learn how to be the same everywhere with everyone in all areas of your life. That is the result of knowing who you are, not giving a shit about the opinions of others and just being an authentic human—it’s sexy af.~©laurie frazier Excerpt from the upcoming best-seller, “Get A Fucking Divorce Already!”

Best of luck! If you need a good coach, I’m your gal. Dm me. Be forewarned, I don’t tolerate whining very well.