On Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma & Victim Mentality
by Laurie Frazier
My intention for the women or so-called victims is for you to wake up to your inherent power, see where you have been giving it away, and stop being at effect in your life. In other words, grow a pair.
For the men or so-called perpetrators/unfaithful party, you are the underdogs, the cast out and shamed by the legions of #metoo-ers (though I’m hoping you don’t call yourselves victims—that would really piss off the ladies, that are adamantly claiming that title for themselves.) Men if you are in the category of those taking accountability for yourselves and your actions, way to go. You may enjoy hearing how your partner deserves to take full accountability on her end as well. I’ve got a separate article coming for you, gentlemen.
Let’s talk about all of this. Let’s get real and down and dirty. All of you on the side you consider to be ‘the victim’ are not going to like it—not one bit. However, you deserve to hear it, if you ever want to radically transform your lives and not only stop being lied to, cheated on and betrayed—but be so empowered, you will never consider yourself a victim ever again no matter what happens in your life. You’ve learned to get such tremendous mileage from being in this victim state, I’d be surprised if you can even make it to the end of this article. You have lied to yourselves and projected your shame, guilt, and worthlessness on to your so-called ‘perpetrators’/partners for sooooo long, you actually believe they are to blame. However, buried deep down in the dregs of your subconscious, you know you have every bit contributed to this shit-show-of-a-life, and if you really allowed yourselves to ‘see’ you would understand that YOU and only you, are the author of this story.
Your deep-seated insecurities, low self-esteem, and inner worth, along with your childhood stories of rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, and betrayal existed loooong before you ever met the current ‘dirt-bag that did you wrong.’ In fact, I’m willing to bet, that he’s not the first ‘asshole’ you’ve ever encountered in your life. And I’m here to tell you that he will not be your last either, if you continue to wallow in your self-pity, wondering just how you attracted all these horrible people and situations into your otherwise spotless life. “Why does this always happen to me,” you wonder? You’ve never cheated on anyone. You’ve been nothing but kind, loving, supportive and forgiving—and, everyone in your fantasy world agrees with you. You’ve got references, recommends, and testimonials of your purity. Barf.
I saw this seemingly innocent post of FB, that appears to sum up the attitude of these poor victims. The post had a cute lil forest creature in the Buddha pose with what seemed to be a harmless quote, initially. However, upon closer examination, was more like a wolf in sheep clothing. For to believe this bullshit, you would remain in victim-land for time and all eternity and get eaten alive by life and the big-bad-wolves that seem to (randomly) keep crossing your path. Here’s the quote, it helps to read it in a mousy, powerless, pathetic tone of voice for full effect:
“No, don’t tell me you attract what you are. What if you’re kind and you attract mean? What if you’re honest and you attract liars? What if you’re loyal and you attract cheaters? No, you don’t always attract what you are. You sometimes attract people who are in desperate need of what you are.”
~ Nashiha Pervin
Below the seeming innocuous post, were all the thumbs-up, likes and loves, comments of agreeing 100%, #truth(s), that you would imagine on such a post—every one from disgruntled women. One woman even said that she felt she had come so far in no longer attracting ‘assholey men’ and that ‘this post validated to her, that there was never anything wrong with her, except for her self-sacrificing tendency to accept far less than she deserved.’ I know, I know, you agree, too—therein lies the problem. And it is exactly why you will continue on this path endlessly—until you own your fucking shit.
Let me break this down. That quote is bullshit, ladies. Written by a victim, for victims, to keep you ’safe’. Safe from being accountable for yourSelf, safe from feeling your true feelings of shame and worthlessness that you continue to project, and safe from creating real transformation in your life that would make a difference and end this drama.
I had a client named Susie, that told me her boyfriend “betrayed” her and that he treated her poorly. I asked if she’d ever cheated on him? She said, “no”, nor had she ever cheated on anyone. “Do you treat him poorly,” I asked. She said no and in fact, just the opposite was the case. Susie shared that her boyfriend was an alcoholic and that she had stopped going to school, working out, and taking care of herself, so that she could take care of him. She had been bending over backwards and doing everything she could for him.
Would anybody call Susie a cheater? Clearly, she’s a saint, right? Kinda sounds like most of you, huh? Self- sacrificing in the ‘guise’ of love?
I said to Susie, “Well…you used the word betray. Do you think you have ever betrayed yourSelf, Susie, *wink *wink?” She looked at me puzzled. I said, “…so when you stopped going to school, seeing your friends, and working out—were you valuing yourSelf? You let go of your own life, all that you loved, valued and was working for you, correct? That sounds like an act of Self-betrayal to me. Would you agree, Susie,” I asked, as tears began to run down her cheeks? “Absolutely,” she responded, devastated by the weight of her new awareness. “So why did you expect your man to treat you any differently than you were willing to treat yourself?”
Newsflash: Nobody will show up to love you any more than you are willing to love yourSelf. Nobody will respect you any more than you respect yourSelf. Nobody will value and appreciate you any more than you do. Let’s be honest, when you sacrifice yourself, up to and including the extent that Susie did, you end up resenting and blaming the person you are serving, usually your partner. However, that resentment is misdirected, in truth, who you are really loathing is yourSelf.
Here's how this works, if you are attracting liars, it doesn't mean that you are lying in the same way they are. But you are a liar—make no mistake. You are lying to yourself, by telling yourSelf that the liar you are with, really does love you. You are lying to yourSelf by believing what he says while ignoring your intuition and the obvious red-flags because you so desperately want to believe him. The other possibility is that you are lying in other areas of your life, like to your boss, employees, to your parents, siblings, kids, etc.
If a person cheats on you or betrays you, it is because you have been betraying YOU in some way. If you were my client and we talked about it long enough, I would find it. You betray you, every time you think your partners' needs and desires are more important than your own. You betray you when you stop doing the things you deserve to do to take care of yourself, in favor of taking care of someone else. You betray you, when you don’t know the first thing about setting boundaries for yourself or how to say no. You betray you when you apologize obsequiously when it’s not even your fault and take the blame for things you shouldn’t. When you continually watch movies they want, go to the restaurants they like, even give up your career for theirs—YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOU.
You betray your partner when you withhold affection and don’t share your feelings. You betray your partner when you act pissy because of some suspicion you’re not even willing to talk about. You betray your partner when you share his infidelities with parents, siblings, neighbors or children. (Save that for your therapist or maybe one mutual friend) You betray your partner when you don’t appreciate all the good he does in an attempt to make amends.
You may also be betraying someone else in a different area of your life, all together.
So just because you are not behaving or treating your partner/spouse exactly the same way they may have treated you, most likely, there is no lack of lying, cheating or betrayal energy within yourself and you are no different than the one to whom you point your fingers. Everything you are whining and complaining about, ‘over there’ exists inside of you. Projection, Denial & Blame 101. Shocking, eh?
Can you see that? We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourSelves and what we are willing to accept. These men are simply showing up for you, the way you show up for you and reflecting a trait within you that you have been unwilling to acknowledge.
And in reference to the last line of that FB post, “…No, you don’t always attract what you are. You sometimes attract people who are in desperate need of what you are,” the ‘cheater’ does not need who you are. There are more than enough women to go around that believe they are doormats. There are more than enough women that are afraid to speak their truth and believe their voice will not be heard, and hence, it isn’t. There are more than enough women that have been raised to believe it is their job to make their husbands happy. Your husband does not need more of that! Nor does anybody else on this planet!
YOU need who they are to show up, so YOU can see exactly how YOU have NOT been showing up for you. You need who they are to reflect back all the ways you feel unlovable and untrustworthy. You need who they are to mirror how YOU have been lying to and betraying yourSelf.
Stay in your lane, clean up your own space of lies and betrayal. Treat yourself better—like truly love you, and you will have a different experience from the men in your life.
I am not in any way excusing your so-called ‘perpetrator’ though I could hardly call them that, and would not do so in my own experience. I believe that people are always showing up perfectly for me to learn exactly what it is that I deserve to learn. The very act of calling someone a perpetrator, instantly makes me a victim, which clearly I am not, nor are you. You just don't know it yet.
I came across a new term the other day that I was curious about, ‘betrayal trauma’. Ever heard of it? The way I was introduced to it was that it was about people (mostly women) that had been cheated on by their spouses. I spent a little time on YouTube researching it. I couldn’t watch it for very long. To be honest, I was kind of disgusted with the victim mentality surrounding all of it and the almost 0% accountability that was placed on the other side of the equation. It reminded me of the well-intentioned, though misguided quote on FB above. As I played video after video, and later podcast, after podcast, mostly of psychologists and therapists who had themselves been ‘cheated on or betrayed’, I heard plenty of complaints about people ‘blaming the victim.’ Nowhere did I see the so-called ‘victim’ taking any accountability for their role in the co-creation. It was all about pointing the finger at the infidel and how their betrayal had traumatized them.
They actually called their husband’s infidelity, ‘betrayal trauma’ and compared it to real PTSD in war victims!!😜🙄
Well, …the way they are using the term PTSD could apply to anybody. We all have mild/fake ‘PTSD’ when events in the present contain similar signatures of traumatic events from our past. The so-called PTSD has more to do with the neurosis of the ‘victim’ and less to do with their partner’s behavior than they are willing to entertain as a possibility.
It happens often, because the stories we’ve told ourselves about our past, get written into our programming. For example: if you had a father that was absent or abusive or pretty much anything ... your story/perception of that event as a child may have been something like: “I’m not lovable,” “everybody ignores me,” “men can’t be trusted,” etc. Those completely made up stories have the child feeling shame, grief, anxiety or the like. Those stories create themes in their programming that they continue to repeat throughout their lives. If their story was ‘men can’t be trusted’ they will create men in their lives to be untrustworthy until they deal with their underlying stories and emotions.
I would venture to bet that in the majority of all of these ‘betrayal trauma’ cases, the so-called ‘victim’ has felt similarly victimized in their childhood...whether it be sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, or they’ve had stories of rejection, neglect, abandonment, and/or betrayal. There is inevitably a signature story that existed prior, that has undoubtedly reappeared in subsequent and current adult relationships. It doesn't have to be the exact same event each time, it’s just the same old ‘story.’
There’s a huge payoff for these adult ‘victims’ to blame their partner’s when they stray. The victims now have an excuse to indulge their neurosis without being called crazy or being called on the carpet for their shitty behavior. Under the guise of their ‘PTSD,’ caused solely by their partner, of course, they get to be obsessive, control freaks and monitoring their partners every move. Which is what they’ve wanted all along. They couldn’t control their Daddy’s behavior, but they sure as hell are going to do their best to control their partners.
Because of their partner’s infidelity, they now feel entitled to tracking their phone and call records, reading their texts and emails and scrutinizing every comment made to or from them on social media. Because of their so-called ’trauma’, they believe they have a right to keep their partners on a short leash, unable to go anywhere without their every minute accounted for. The ‘victims’ think it’s completely acceptable to make their partner’s jump through endless hoops playing their ’I’m not safe’ card, while concurrently withdrawing their love, affection, and intimacy. The victim gets carte blanche in exhibiting maniacal control over their partners, which they declare is the only way they feel they can possibly survive now.
This need becomes a bottomless pit, one the so-called ’perpetrator’ can never fill. No amount of being faithful, accounting for his every move, deleting all social media and old gf’s phone numbers, along with changing his phone number, ass kissing, lovemaking, reassuring, will ever make the poor ‘victim’ feel safe. Their deep-set insecurity, story of worthlessness and lack of safety were present long before their partner ever did a thing to trigger it.
One of the biggest payoffs to their partner-blaming is that they get to be the innocent victim, while their husband is the bad guy. They get to revel in their own story of self-pity, self-perception of weakness, helplessness, and vulnerability while playing up the martyr/victim role and eliciting sympathy from all with which they share their sad story. They can remain in their smallness without feeling guilty now because they have been so traumatized.
Ladies, do you really want an intimate partner that you have to almost force to be faithful to you? Do you really want to be with anybody that would rather be with someone else? Do you really want to be with someone that you have to heap guilt and shame upon just to stay with you, as you remind them constantly of the commitment he made to you a hundred years ago?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have massive self-worth issues. If you were having a conversation in your head that sounded like, I’m not forcing him…he doesn’t really want to be with anybody else…I’m not making him feel guilty…check yourSelf. Get real. Are you sure? Or just more lies to make youSelf feel better and ignore your intuition? Are you justifying your controlling behavior? Telling yourself dude deserves all of your punishment?
Ladies, If you really want to turn things around, I’ll give you the formula, but you’d first have to let go of your huge-ass payoffs that come from pointing your fingers at your partner and helplessly declaring, “It’s all their fault,”—because it isn’t. I realize what a very tall order that is, however, the alternative is that you will create exactly what you fear. Dude’s leaving if you don’t cut the shit.
So…here’s your survival guide:
For the love of whatever you hold sacred, put your fucking big girl pants so we can talk straight.
Truth Bomb Number 1: People aren’t property. You can’t own a man like you can a horse. Your marriage certificate is not akin to the title on your SUV. Doesn’t matter if they are your family, your spouse, your children or your friends. You own no one but you, start acting like it. No amount of your attempt at maniacal control is going to make anybody behave in a way that they don’t like or that feels forced—not for long anyway. I don’t know a single soul—child, teenager or adult, that likes or appreciates being controlled or told what they can or can’t do. Unless, however, they’re into BDSM, in which case, it might be kinda fun. Maybe you could turn your control-schtick into a game and get you hubby to think you’re into some new kink where you are the dom and he is the sub. Under that guise, you could tell him to jump and he’d say, “How high?” I’ll post some links for whips and cuffs below.
Truth Bomb Number 2: Nobody but you, is in charge of your happiness. It’s not your husband’s job to make you happy, nor is he responsible for your ever-changing moods. Your happiness and even peace of mind is an inside job and is not dependent on your partner’s behavior. He’s doing his job perfectly, by triggering you and bringing up all of the issues you’ve buried away. Read that again.
Truth Bomb Number 3: Nothing anybody ever does, will make you ‘feel safe’—ever. You know why? Because you don’t feel safe within. This too is an inside job. You have work to do, girl. You have the mistaken belief that safety is connected to how much you can control every living thing in your environment, mainly your husband. How’s that been working for you? Feeling secure, yet? You can’t control life. Life is going to keep life-ing. Earthquakes and tsunamis are coming, whether you have told them to behave or not. Your job is to be unshakable from within yourSelf.
Truth Bomb Number 4 You will always find what you’re looking for! We bring about what we spend our time thinking about. If you want to find evidence of your husband having an affair, you will. If you are obsessed about this, whether it’s happened before, with a different partner or if you expect it to happen, you will create exactly that.
I’ve had clients that had never been cheaters until they got into relationships with women who were constantly suspicious and controlling. Eventually, some of the men ended up cheating, while the others just left. Was it really their nature or did their partner just have an iron-clad belief that ‘men are cheaters’ and her need to be right was greater than her need to be happy?
Ask yourSelf if your constant suspicion of their innocence may have them say, “Fuck it. She thinks I’m cheating, anyway..” Is there anything in you that wants to find something so you can be right? Tell the truth. The payoffs are tremendous. You’d have an excuse to be even more controlling and micro-managing. Maybe you’d feel safer?
Truth Bomb Number 5: Your projected shaming of your partner is about YOU—NOT them. If you can get everybody to buy into what a horrible guy he is, and that you are a poor victim of his behavior, then maybe no one will look too closely at you. Maybe you can hide your own guilt and shame a little longer. Deep down this betrayal has brought up all of your own feelings of shame and worthlessness.
Somewhere within, you believe that if you were a better wife, prettier, skinnier, smarter, this never would have happened—though those excuses are surface bs. More lies you tell yourself so you can feel puffed up, because if those reasons were true, it would make your hubby shallow af, with you once again the pillar of purity and receiver of sympathy. You could be sick, tired all the time, sad and depressed, and you’d have a permanent hall-pass now for being a lack-luster-human. The truth is much deeper than that.
By pointing the finger, ‘over there,’ you get to continue to avoid looking at the truth of yourSelf. It gives you another reason why you can’t possibly be amazing. Blaming and shaming him for being the cause of all your misfortune, is just another excuse for you to continue shelving your own dreams, avoiding your own greatness, and stepping into your own power that you are terrified you don't have. If you can blame somebody else and get family/community buy-in that your life is sooo pathetic, nobody will have any expectations of you, and maybe, if only momentarily, you can ease the noise of your own self-loathing.
“It’s all his fault,” you cry…”shame on him for doing this to me!” Shame on you for giving up on yourSelf, for not handling your own shit (past traumas, toxic emotions, issues, etc) such that they continue to resurface over and over. This is what is meant by being so desperate not to see ourSelves…we will create all manner of chaos, trauma, and distractions.
Truth Bomb Number 6: You need to trust yourSelf, NOT your partner. You deserve to trust yourSelf to make wise choices, exercise discernment and listen to your intuition. Your intuition has always been speaking to you, yet you’ve chosen to ignore it again and again. You bury your head in the sand in hopes your intuition is wrong. You have preferred lies to the truth, hence…that’s what you’ve received. You do not want to acknowledge this simple fact, sooooo, you project your own lack of trust, onto your partner. How convenient. If you want things to be different, learn to trust you.
Do you really need to trust him? Is that true? No! You need to trust your fucking Self! If you have a need to trust him, it’s probably because you don’t already—you are suspicious, you are worried, you have concerns, you believe he isn’t trustworthy. Your great need to trust comes from your own insecurities, and your own desires to control people, situations and events. What you resist, persists. You can’t control anyone into trustworthy behavior. People will always live up to your expectations of them. The more you believe him to be a cheater, the more you try to control and micro-manage, you show him that you clearly do not trust him as far as you can throw/GPS him. So guess what that creates? And guess who created that? You. Not the other. This is not rocket science, ladies.
Truth Bomb Number 7: If you spent as much time working on yourSelf, as you did obsessing about your spouse/partner you wouldn’t be so worried about them leaving you. Would you?
Ever wonder why other women were more interesting? You think it’s because they’re prettier, or skinnier? Nope. They have lives to share with him, they make a contribution to his mind. If all you do is obsess about what your partner may be up to on the daily, chances are you’re sad and depressed. These low-frequency emotions contribute to your overall lack of vitality, malaise and weakened immune system which you are probably also blaming on him. Maybe if you heap enough guilt upon him, you can get him to do all the household chores, and take care of the kids and anything else you don’t want to do, because you’re depressed and it is clearly all his fault.
Miss, if your dude is still around, it is a testament that he’s a fucking saint, not you. You may want to consider keeping him and appreciating everything that he’s doing to make it up to you. But you still don’t trust him, you say.
If you spent your time deepening your character, developing your talents, pursuing your career, furthering your education and your own self-care, your self-worth would climb. You would have a sense of empowerment, you would start to feel alive again, and you wouldn’t care if dude left you or not!
Why? Because YOU would have a life worth living! And guess what, dude would be way more interested in you all of a sudden—and so would everybody else. You would actually be free to choose whether you truly wanted to make it work or if you were done. You would be that powerful. Instead of relying on guilt and shame to keep your man, you would see infinite possibilities available to you. You would have options.
Truth Bomb Number 8: If you decide to leave him or he leaves you, and you don’t handle your shit, you will create a new partner to play out your fake ‘betrayal trauma’ with. If you continue to remain a victim, meaning you are still pointing your fingers away from yourSelf, thinking everything you just read was so mean and I don’t know what I’m talking about, and you just need to find a better man, or control the one you’ve got better (ankle monitor, perhaps?) well, good luck with that. Just like the husband you believe has a problem with being unfaithful, alcohol, or has a sex addiction, the first step is to acknowledge that you have a problem. He’s probably already done that. If you’ve never acknowledged your role, you will continue to repeat the saga. Everybody wonders why sweet Susie continues to pick ‘bad men’. I told you exactly why. Susie is the problem.
Truth Bomb Number 9: Zero victimization and 100% accountability is the only way to live an empowered life. Nothing is an accident. Everything that happens in your life is for your benefit and growth. Life is always happening for you and not to you. You have a choice to rise above your circumstances. Stop being addicted to your excuses and your pain and face the responsibility of your own greatness. We learn who we are through our challenges. Every life has tragedies and villains, sunshine and rain. You are never a victim. Your world is your creation. We are here to expand the evolution of our soul’s. Someday you will thank this man for showing up perfectly for you.
Now… let’s pretend that 1.) you actually took accountability for the results of your life and that 2.) your unfaithful dude has been the greatest gift for your personal growth. The clarity of your own accountability does not mean you are going to stay in this relationship, there are legit reasons why the relationship may no longer serve you—and maybe some of those reasons you haven’t fully owned yet. It’s just soooo much easier to point your fingers.
Here are your questions, ladies:
1. Do you even know if you are still ‘in love’ with this man? Set aside any anger, jealousy or competitiveness for a moment and check in with your heart. Is he still your truth? Does this man still excite you? Are you lit up in his presence? Do you want to jump his bones? If not, do you really want to spend the rest of your days with someone you are not madly, passionately in love with or that doesn’t feel the same way about you? Or did you fall out of love with this man a long time ago? Maybe before he ever sought out another woman?
2. If you’re not in love with him, has this partnership just become an obligation that you made a long time ago, that you were taught by your mommy and daddy, and your religion, you’re supposed to stick with no matter what? And being the good girl that you are, you’re going to ‘endure till the end’? Maybe your plan is to wait till the kids grow up and then check out? Because either of the reasons above is better than the next because you can tout your moral high ground about either of them. It’s often the two cards you sneaky victims play, instead of admitting the truth of the next question.
3. THIS IS THE BIG ONE, Ladies: Is there any part of you that is staying in this marriage/partnership because you are afraid you can’t make it financially on your own, without him? Think about that for a minute or ten. You deserve to seriously evaluate this question. Get honest, at least with yourself. If you had an awesome job or a million dollars, would you be sticking around? Most women don’t want to look too closely here, or at least talk about this out loud.
You get to keep this answer under wraps till your dying days. Nobody will ever know your dirty lil secret. The best you can hope for if you’re in it for the money, is to feign love while making dude feel guilty for ‘destroying your perfect facade’ of a family, whilst you now have the perfect excuse to not even fuck him due to your ‘trauma’. #shitnobodytalksabout
Although this pathetic lil plan may work for a time, while you sit home, being a lack-luster wife and mother, having all your needs met, and keeping your fears at bay, inside you are dying. You have resigned yourSelf to a life of quiet desperation, better hope you can keep your slave a.k.a. husband in check. If this is the case, you’re no different than the prostitutes he picks up. Only the prostitutes are being much more honest than you are—and probably more generous…for less. Tell me why he needs you, again?
Ya know what would be way better than staying with someone you don’t love or trust or staying for the money? Owning your shit. Taking real charge of and responsibility for your life, instead of somebody else’s. Remembering who the fuck you are and taking your power back. Dusting off your dreams and ambitions and taking real steps in that direction. Imagine the possibilities!
The good news about all of this, is the moment you assume accountability for your own life, and let go of your ginormous victim mentality, the sooner you can do something about it and clean it up. All possibilities will be available to you when you understand how you created exactly what is happening in your life. That’s the good news and the bad news. Bad news is, Fuuuuuck. Yuh, sweetie—no more scapegoat for you, no one to blame for your bullshit stories and behavior anymore. No one to point your finger at as to why you can’t …'fill in the blank’. No one to blame for your feelings, either! IT’S ALL YOU!
The good news, again, is that you are powerful. If you created all of this chaos and seeming hardship in your life, imagine what you could do if you chose to consciously create exactly what you desire. If you were to manage your shit, you’d be on your game, minding your own business and staying in your own lane. You would be proud of yourSelf, and feel empowered. You wouldn’t give a fuck about what he was doing, so he’d probably not be doing it! If you loved you, you would be doing your life, being a rock star, and he would have an interesting partner that was actually excited about her own life instead of controlling his! Do you know how attractive that would be to your partner—and more importantly yourSelf?
And if you got honest and clear that you weren’t in love with him, you would actually have the balls to leave or divorce his ass. What if this were the best thing that ever happened to you? Staying or going as a powerful woman, not a pathetic victim, you could do it with your head held high, acknowledging your role in the demise of the relationship, and parting friends, not enemies. If that were the case, nobody would have any need to ‘screw anybody over,’ you could share your kids/pets and split your shit with a lil love and gratitude in your heart, knowing that you each played your roles perfectly for each other. You’d both leave with a little more wisdom than that which you entered, excited to consciously create your new life.
This is where that beautiful Hawaiian prayer of ho’oponopono comes in: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” Or if you prefer, my own simple mantra, “I love you. I bless you. I release you,” usually said with a sigh of relief and always wishing the other well. ©Laurie Frazier
**Excerpt from an upcoming book, "Get A Fucking Divorce, Already." by Laurie Frazier
