Monday, November 26, 2012

The Ice Queen Melteth

Take a chance on love. That’s right. When love presents itself in your life, take a chance—love back.  Play full out.  Don’t play ‘not’ to lose.  We have all been hurt before. We've all been on one side or the other of disappointment, heart-ache, and/or betrayal.  It’s easy to shut down and say, “never again—not for me” Trust me, I’ve played this game for a long time but now i'm trying something different.  I’m slowly letting the walls down, the fortress is beginning to crumble, the ice is starting to melt.  My heart can feel the warm rays of sunshine peeking through the cracks and it really feels good for the first time in a long time. 

May I get hurt again?  Perhaps.  In fact, it’s most likely—but I’ve decided that it’s worth the risk. I've learned that pain isn’t such a bad thing  In fact it’s evidence that there is a real, human heart behind the fortress. It’s evidence that I have loved and loved deeply.  And that will always be a beautiful thing.

Nothing is forever, we live in a world of impermanence.  Change is is optional. I don’t need the promise of tomorrow.  If it lasts a week, a month or five years, I will be a better person for having loved, for allowing my heart to come out and play, for basking in the Light and warmth of another’s love for me, for allowing another human being to be a beautiful contribution in my world, for making my smile a little (ok, a lot) brighter, for restoring a dream that was lost or didn’t even exist, I am a more whole me. 
I was never one of those little girls that dreams of a handsome prince, or even one of those women that feel ‘incomplete’ without a man...even as a witch, my spells were always for success not love. I don’t even own any red candles! Men just showed up in my life, I never looked for them. I used to say things like, “Romance, Shmomance” ...and “Love is over-rated, get a life!” I lived by the Marilyn Monroe philosophy, “A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.”

Today, however, I’m going to consciously choose love—like the ooey-gooey romantic kind. I’m trying it on.  I can’t say that it feels like an old shoe yet, more like an outfit you think would look great on somebody else, but you would never be caught dead in—yeah, like that. There are some cool shiney things about it, but it still feels awkward.  Until it doesn't.

It’s like all of a sudden I have two personalities. The hopeless romantic and the professional ice-queen. The hopeless one starts to send a text that says,  “You speak to my soul.” And the profesh says, “Are you effing kidding me?!?  You didn’t hit the send button yet, did you?! You going soft on us Fraz?  Forget 'Ice', you’re not even cool anymore.”  And then, because as you know, LOVE ALWAYS WINS, the newly soft, sparkly girl puts her big girl pink panties on and says, with all the courage she can muster, “There’s a new sheriff in town, IQ and I kinda like this gig.” IQ packs her bags and says, “Good luck, kid. If things don’t work out, you have my number.” 
In the spirit of 2012 and “shedding all that no longer serves us”, I’ve decided to retire the Ice Queen for good and lose her number. We had a good run.  She served me well, but that was then and this is now.  I’ve evolved a bit, my heart feels resilient and light. It wants to run wild and free. I’m not afraid. My grandfather used to say, “The Frazier’s may bend but they’ll never break.”  I’d like to believe this about my heart.  I believe that in choosing love today, I am creating a brighter tomorrow—where there is even greater capacity for love. Where ALL the walls have come down, where my heart lay bare for Mr. Sun to not only peek through the cracks, but to penetrate my soul.


  1. Awwwwww, Laurie! Yay, girl! I'm so so happy to read this! <3

    I've been going through a similar process. I didn't even realize how many walls I had up. What I had done my whole life without even realizing it is to allow my *perceptions* of how another person loved me or *could* love me (friend, family, or especially lover) to create an upper threshold on how far I was willing to "put myself out there" and love them.

    This last summer, I had an epiphany, and I saw how I was doing that in a relationship, and I made a scary, scary leap: a leap to love a person more that I perceived that they loved me. To love and express that love freely and completely without any need to have it returned in any way.

    I still can remember the moment I gave myself that permission. It felt like the most freeing thing I had ever done.

    A few months later, I got hurt. And it hurt like hell. And I'm SO grateful for it, because it means I didn't hold myself back. I let myself feel everything, and I will do it again and again, because although the walls may block out the pain, they also block out the joy!

    Since then I've discovered how I've done that in my relationships with everyone around me... only loved to the upper threshold of my perceptions of it being returned.

    But now I know, and now I am choosing to LOVE, freely, completely, authentically, openly, and beautifully. <3 <3 <3

    Love You!

    1. Thanks, Kristy!! I totally get it. It feels so liberating to just CHOOSE love with no concern as to wether it will be returned or not. I get to BE love...with everyone at all times. My fear is not in getting hurt; my fear is not loving with all my heart and giving all that I have to give. My gift to my relationships is to be PRESENT to the best of my ability. If I accomplish that, I will have no regrets no matter what direction the relationship takes.

      Thanks for sharing your big, bright, beautiful heart!!

      Love you back!!