One thing that I know for sure, is that the Universe will give me the EXACT lesson I need at the EXACT moment that I need it. And it isn’t always fun, but it is ALWAYS for my growth and benefit. For me, it seems that these lessons are to assist me with knowing what is TRULY important to me. It’s like some kind of refiner’s fire. The diamond in the rough, being chipped away year after year, decade after decade. Only to shine-you-up to the most glorious, brilliant version of yourSelf that you have always dreamed yourSelf to be. And all it takes, is to be true to yourSelf. Sounds simple enough, right? “To thine own Self be true”, some crazy half-wit poet said centuries ago. We’ve all heard that line, but do you know what came before it and after it?
Before “To thine own Self be true”, was this line: "THIS ABOVE ALL!!!" Like if you do NOTHING else! Allow me to elaborate for my old friend Will, ‘this above all’—above all other things, people, circumstances and or situations, “To thine OWN SELF BE TRUE”, for heaven’s sake!!!
And why is that? Why must we be true to ourSelves, at all costs and ‘above all’? Willie answers with his last, most brilliant line: (because) “Thou canst not then be false to ANY man.” Let me amercanize it for you, If you are true to yourSelf, at all times and in all ways, you must not only speak your truth but BE your truth. If you are speaking, acting and BEING your truth, you cannot be fake, inauthentic or ‘false’ to anyone, man, woman, child, situation or circumstance in your life. Not so easy now, huh?
And why is it so important NOT to be ‘false’ to anyone? First for the obvious reasons—it's not cool to be a fraud. Second, and less apparent, because it hurts YOUR Soul. Not in the way that it’s a betrayal and you are a bad person—but in a compromises-your-truth-eats-a-whole-in-your-heart-and-you-hate-yourSelf kind of way. That’s all. Because when you live even a smidge less than your total truth or dim your light just a tad, before you know it, you are cutting off your right arm and the light goes out completely!!
Why do we do it? Or let me stick to what I know—mySelf. Why do I do it? I do it for a myriad of reasons. I dim my Light because I think people will like me more if I don’t appear quite as fabulous and brilliant as I really am. I pretend that my core beliefs aren’t as important to me as they are for fear of abandonment. For example, “If I tell my you who I really am, your beliefs may be different, or diametrically opposed, and you may judge me and no longer want to be my friend, partner or lover. If I tell you how I really feel about love and compromise, it may scare you and you will want to run away before your perceived, inevitable heart-break ensues. I don’t tell everyone that I believe I am the Sun’s beloved and that He is mine because you will think I am a nut job. And all the wise things I’ve shared in the past will become empty and meaningless to you now because you think I’m whacked. Those are just a few reasons that I don’t always shine as bright with certain people—I’m scared. I love you and I want you to love me back. What are some of your reasons?
If you feel you have to be less than exactly who you are with ANYBODY because you don’t think they will love you otherwise; that whoever they are is worth the compromise—THAT is the biggest lie and the greatest infidelity.* The infidelity to the Self. To thine OWN Self be true, remember? Not to someone else’s truth—YOURS!!! The minute I decide your beliefs, feelings and rules are more important/valid than my own or the minute I decide to cut out a chunk of my heart because I think you may love me more if I am a way other than I really am—that is the beginning of the infidelity.
Budddha said, “There is no one else in the world more deserving of your love than YOU!!” And if I put your truth above my own, it will not be long before I start resenting you and want to leave.
And if I do that for you, I am certainly not loving mySelf or owning the truth of ME. I am being a fraction of mySelf—the piece I think you will deem acceptable, appropriate and lovable. I am being inauthentic, living a lie and deep down you know it. But you remain silent, pretending to believe because part of you thinks you have won.
If I am untrue to my own core truth, if I agree to live less than I truley am, so you can feel secure, and I can feel safe that you won’t leave me, at some point it will become too crushing to my soul to stifle that much of mySelf. And what started as something beautiful will soon be over.
This is how it often goes—we meet someone, we share our brightest Light, we share our heart, our truth and ideals. We fall in love with all of that yumminess. Then fear of loss sets in, conditions arise and the parameters and rules are carefully put in place. You are now not allowed to be as big, bright and beautiful with anybody else. The compromise begins. You start to suffocate. The death of the relationship (DTR) may begin at the very moment we try to Define The Relationship (DTR)—coincidence? I don’t think so).
To tell this story more accurately and accountably, the person I am really resenting is MYSELF because I willingly agreed to give mySelf up. I agreed to things that were not my truth but yours. I agreed to play by your rules, because of my fear of losing you and my lack of love for mySelf. Now I am hating mySelf for the inauthenticity of the new self that I agreed to be. I am entirely to blame for this. There was no coercion—just a perceived loss on my part.
The real loss for both of us, is that I pretty much shut down. I can barely speak, because, this new ‘false’ Self has no idea who she is. I am missing out on my own potential growth that comes from sharing with another who has different views and opinions, and you are missing out on the magnificence of me in my truth. It sucks all the way around.
So is it possible for two Souls with very differing views of the world and "relating" to have an amazing relationship? My answer is a resounding YES!! How? The answer is simple, “This above all: to thine own Self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Get clear about who you are, what is most important to you and be THAT!!. Realize that YOU are the love of your life. Without that, you got nothin’! If you don’t love you, you do not love the other. If you can’t be true to you, you won’t be true to anyone else. The first love affair we ever have should be with ourSelves.
So fall in love with yourSelf, every quirky inch! Value your hard earned philosophies, opinions and heart-felt ideas, but don’t be rigidly attached to them. Be open to listen and really hear. Give Billy Joel a run for his money singing, “Don’t go changing to try and please me, I love you just the way you are...” to your partner every morning. Seek to understand the other with no expectation or need for ‘change.‘ Take to heart what the great philosopher Nietzsche said, “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
Your way is not the ONLY way! Lose the thought: my way or the highway. Adopt the heart of compassion and understanding. Practice patience and tolerance. Keep asking the question, “What does it really mean to love UNconditionally?” How can you do it better? Accept, don’t judge, forgive, be true, be free, and laugh, play, and dance through your amazing love story. The love of you life is yourSelf—don't waste another second not being passionately and devotedly true to YOU!
Thanks for the inspiration WIlliam Shakespeare,Terri Plewa & Shiva Ji.
*Credit Terri Plewa’s poem to be added soon
