The Father I Never Had

My dad died last night. I never knew him very well. I saw him maybe a couple of handfuls of times in my life. I heard he had brain cancer just two weeks ago. Then yesterday that he was in a coma expecting to die, as I was returning home from a trip to Hawaii. I had a moment on the plane,—hoodie up, tears running down my cheeks, looking out the window, as to to hide them from the friend I was flying with.

I began the drive home, up my mountain in blizzard conditions only to turn onto my dirt road in treacherous conditions. At least 6 feet of snow had fallen since I left and things just looked different. I pulled into a drive-way I thought was mine, and after doing the 6 point turn to get into it, realized it was not my house. The safest thing for me to do was to back-up all the way to my house. When I arrived, seeing snow half way up my front door and 100 yards down to get to it, I just started laughing and laughing. I had an overweight 52 lb suitcase, heavy carry-on and 6 bags of groceries to get into the house. And lil me, all by myself. 

I laughed again at the absence of the masculine in my life. My father, never having fathered me, on his way out, and 4 months earlier a man I had moved half way across the country for, expecting to build a life with, having utterly dismissed me after a month with no real reason.  And about three months earlier, ending even a friendship with a long-time lover and friend. Not to mention, leaving my son to live with his dad when I moved. Major losses of the masculine presence for me. 

And there I was, in the middle of a blizzard, looking at my snow-engulfed house, just me, myself and I—oh, and the big snow, wind and darkness. I smiled. Proud of myself for even making it home, in a blizzard, backwards…getting stuck once and getting myself unstuck without even getting out of my Subaru. I thanked Archangels Michael, Gabriel and Raphael for the safe passage I had requested. And my lil heart expanded again in that moment. Feeling my utter physical aloneness, feeling my own courage and with an inner-depth of knowing that I am never really alone. That the unseen is as present with me as the seen, that my trees and mountain, which I’d already greeted hello, were as aware of me, as I was of them. My lil girl heart believes that they were also just as happy to see me again as I was to see them. 

I donned my metaphoric wonder-woman cape (sounds better than big-girl-pants), got my two smaller bags out of the car and maneuvered my way down the driveway to my front door. The snow was literally mid thigh and much higher in other places. I laughed the whole way down in disbelief at the sheer amount of the white stuff. I dare say, even growing up in Maine, I have never seen this much snow in my entire life. I devised a plan on the way down, (as we woman must do, without the proverbial man in close proximity)…and the laughter continued. I’m kind of a little person, and I’m not that physically strong, so short of taking all of my over-packed crap out of my suit-case in 10 trips, (which did not in the slightest appeal to me), that suitcase was not going to make it in. Then I saw the sled…and laughed some more. 

You HAVE to know, attitude is everything. I just accept and often laugh at it all. Not withstanding the broken-heart, btw. I just simply TRUST, that whatever is happening, is for my highest good. Then I SURRENDER to the moment and ACCEPT it just the way it is, with no complaints. A simple, “So this is what is happening now…” often goes through my head. And I say, “Ok, now what?” And wait for the answers to come as they always do. I also ALLOW my feelings  to be felt about whatever the situation has brought up without shaming, judging or criticizing mySelf. Sometimes it’s feeling alone, sad, broken-hearted, angry, or frustrated. I OBSERVE what my lil human-self is experiencing. I am also con-currently aware of the real truth of my Soul which is my big joy, gratitude, humility, and reverence for this sacred human experience. That's the feeling that has been so over-riding within me for some time now. It’s the BEST!!  Seriously. I am always just laughing at my life. Often when most would be crying and/or pissed. 

But I digress…I was going to write about the weird feelings that my virtually unknown, absentee father’s death has spawned within me. I think i was feeling a re-triggering of his abandonment from my childhood. I think the most painful part for me is that I felt so sad that he did not want to know me. His own biological creation. Why doesn’t he want to know about my good grades? Why doesn’t he want to know that I’m running half the clubs in school and president of my youth group? Why doesn’t he want to know why I’m majoring in Theology at Boston College? Why doesn’t he want to know that I’m married, have kids, divorced, married and had another kid? Why doesn’t he want to know if I'm ok…if I have what I need, if I have food and a roof over my head? Why doesn’t he want to know how awesome I turned out in spite of his absence? 

I may never have the answers to those questions. It is what it is and what it was. And…I’m here now. I may always feel that abandonment, that lack of interest, that feeling of something being missing in my life. And…I’m ok. And…I wouldn’t change a thing. I am who I am today because of his absence. It made me strong. It made me independent. It made me self-reliant. It made me seek outside of mySelf and then back in, to the only love I will ever truly need. My own. So my resourceful, “I can do it, mySelf.” attitude hiked that little purple sled up to my car and put my very large, red suitcase on its side on top of it as I laughed all the way down to my front door. 

I got a message that my dad had died at 2am, just a few hours after I’d arrived home safely. I like to think he’ll be one of my angels now and that what ever prevented him from being with me in this life, will no longer be an issue for him from the other side. I love you, Dad. Forever grateful for all that you were and all that you weren’t to me, for both have forged my Soul. 

New Beginnings & the Winter Solstice

New beginnings arise when the old is finished. Even though the Winter Solstice is the darkest point of the whole year, it is the birth of the Light that we celebrate. Take courage that when you are at your darkest hour, the Light is not far behind. Know that when you clear out the old— ineffective, worn-out, (ego-based) ways of being and behavior, relationships that are not feeding your soul, jobs that are not in alignment with your higher purpose, harmful addictions, etc (none of which are easy, and all of which may be concurrently terrifying), you are saying YES to you, and therefore yes to the Universe, and therefore yes to the Light to come. You are clearing sacred space on your sacred path, for a new road to arise. It is always the road less traveled by you. It is always unknown. Only brave souls dare tread in foreign lands as this. 

There are some pre-requisites to this undertaking. Clarity of heart, courage to trust, and a love of Self so big that nothing can shake. Blessings on your journey fellow travelers. May the Light we encounter be so bright, the likes of which we have never known. Arriving one step closer to the truth of us, standing a lil taller for giving ourSelves an extra vote, stronger in conviction and more deeply in love with ourSelves. Shine on. Shine on, beautiful warriors. It is your deep Light and fire within you that illuminates your path.

When I Am Among the Trees

When I Am Among the Trees

When I am among the trees, 

especially the willows and the honey locust,

equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,

they give off such hints of gladness.

I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,

in which I have goodness, and discernment,

and never hurry through the world

   but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves

and call out, "Stay awhile."

The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, "It's simple," they say,

"and you too have come

into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled

with light, and to shine. ~Mary Oliver

Certain poetry speaks to my Soul…this one did.  “I would say that they (the trees) save me, and daily.”  How that line speaks to me. When I read it first, in a bookstore yesterday, it brought tears to my eyes.  I think all my life, trees, bodies of water and sunshine have ‘saved me’…have been manna to me in my most challenging and heart-breaking moments.  They do give off  ‘hints of gladness’  no matter what dire situation I find myself—the mere sight of them brings comfort to my weary heart.  A feeling of gratitude rushes over me, for the beauty that I am always surrounded by.  

There is no need to ‘phone a friend’ …trees are my friends.  Sunshine is my salvation.  I am enveloped by grace. Held in the hands of a loving Universe.  

I may not always ‘walk slowly’ but I do ‘bow often’.  Each morning I am caught off guard by the beauty I get to open my eyes to. Lately, it’s the buzzing of the hummingbirds outside my window that act as my alarm.  Sometimes it’s the mama doe and her two lil cuties.  

It’s an interesting dichotomy to feel your heart-break open from sadness and beauty, almost in the same moment.  Lately, the two are becoming indistinguishable to me.  I am often so awestruck by a view in a moment, that my 5-year-old heart almost bursts and the tears stream down my tender cheeks.   Tears of gratitude that I get to be a witness of such astounding beauty, tears of ‘what if this is my last life on planet Earth’, tears that I have ‘eyes to see’ and not miss it. 

Then there’s the heartbreak, even with the acceptance of what is and what must be, for we all have our own path to walk, my mother’s heart weeps.  Weeps that I should have done something different, weeps for my child’s uncertain future weeps for his aching heart. 

My heart has been heavy and overflowing with gratitude at the same time.  I feel.  I am alive.  I love deeply.  My heart aches. I can’t breathe. I am a warrior.  I am a goddess.  I am a lil human.  I am Divine.  I am all that is.  Aham Brahmasmi. 

“And you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled with light, and to shine.”  See the light through your pain and your darkness.  Go easy. Allow.  Accept. Be. Breathe.  Love.  Shine.  Through it all.  

The Warrior Goddess

The Warrior Goddess

I just love the concept of Warrior Goddess.  I had to learn that it was more than me being tough like a man in a patriarchal society. It wasn’t me owning a successful construction business, a typically male-dominated field. It wasn’t me sticking both middle fingers up at the end of a relationship, saying with a cold, un-feeling heart, “... don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out—and by the way, don’t trip on the line of suitors waiting outside that door to replace you!” (harsh...I know) It wasn’t me climbing the corporate ladder, competing with men to show how much smarter or better closer/negotiator I was than them.  It wasn’t me displaying great fortitude not crying when my grandfather died.

No...that is not the energy/power of the warrior goddess of which I now know and speak.  Those are the false ways, the artifice, the fraud—the ways that will suck you in to some false pride and beliefs about yourself that are all based on a house of cards.  Lies of your true nature, lies about what is true power, lies about the truth of you.

A warrior goddess in NOT a bitch.  A warrior goddess stands firm in her own power. She does not allow herself to be taken advantage of or allow herself to feel inferior to anyone. Think "momma-bear".  She will protect and stand up for that which she loves and believes in whether it’s friends and children or ideals and beliefs. A warrior goddess knows who she is and stands firm in her convictions.  She is not swayed by the critiques and/or opinions of others. She is capable of defending her beliefs but feels no compulsion to do so.  

The strength and courage of a warrior goddess comes from deep journeys of self-discovery into the dark abyss.  It is in that darkness that she allows her heart to feel deep grief and sadness, to take on her own demons, to be completely accountable for herself and emerge time after time transmuted and transformed by life’s experience. To a warrior goddess, there is no challenge she can not meet, no shadow aspect of herSelf that she can not face, no intimacy she fears broaching.

She has a quiet strength about the way she carries herself.  She feels invincible, yet vulnerable.  Her ability to be vulnerable has come at a price.  That price was the demise of past relationships, that resulted from her fear of intimacy, a fear she felt could ‘protect’ her from potential heartache. The infant goddess grew up and found that her true strength comes from standing in her divine feminine nature of vulnerability with exposed, courageous heart.  Only in that space can one know and feel true love—only in that space of exposure can one be fully known.  And it is only in the “knowing” of another that we can truly love.  The warrior goddess knows herSelf—and in that ‘knowing’ she is able to share herSelf authentically with others. 

The warrior goddess has spent time in meditation and introspection to “Know HerSelf”.  She knows what her dharma is. She does not allow herself to be defined by what she has and owns, the position or status she has achieved in life, or the relationships she surrounds herself with.  She is more than Mrs. X or the VP of Sales with the killer shoes. She is purpose driven and has a sense of inner clarity and conviction that extends way beyond her participation in the PTA. 

Another aspect of the warrior goddess is drive and determination.  It’s having a goal, that is more than a goal—it’s a mission.  Something you feel so compelled to create that you will not rest until it is accomplished.  A life purpose, or dharma, if you will, that only you can fulfill. Something that you are so passionate about, that lights you up, that when you do it you lose all track of time.   That “thing” is what the warrior goddess champions.  She doesn’t allow the cares of the world, nor it’s frivolities and yumminess to come between it’s creation.

The true feminine nature of a warrior goddess is to be a confident, courageous, creative force for good, devoid of submission or feelings of inferiority.

The warrior goddess is a realist with courage, conviction and faith that all good things eventually come to her when she has taken on the only battle that ever really matters—that within the Self and the psyche. The goddess emerges a warrior when she has acknowledged and embraced her own demons, taken them on and either accepted, transmuted or transformed them consciously.The warrior goddess kicks ass—men respect her, women want to be her.

The perfect evidence that you are radiating Warrior Goddess energy is when your friends spontaneously assign you a new, albeit flippant, middle name. In my case it was: Laurie “Fucking” Frazier. In all likelihood it may be the same middle name for you. The addition of "Fucking" to any middle name says to all the world, "I am HERE. I am READY. I got this. Don't mess with me."  I’m just sayin’...

There are a myriad of ways 'Warrior Goddess' shows up...for some it's Momma Bear, for others its being an advocate for women and children...what does it look like for you?

~Resident BadAss Warrior Goddess, at your service ;)

Laurie "Fucking" Frazier

The pic of goddess Durga was done by Sreetama Ray https://plus.google.com/106189287736548108263/posts

***bottom two amazing pics by artist Luis Royo